Twenty-Six

Just when everything was beginning to make sense! How could anyone make sense out of this? And yet, Jesus knew what he was doing--did he not? Either that, or Judas was right, and Jesus was mad--and then God was the impersonal Force of Plotinus, and the demons were not persons, and--no, that way was even more insane.

Somehow it made sense. Somehow. But how? And it was crucial, apparently. "If you do not eat the meat of the Son of Man's body, you will not have life in you." This was more than just believing that he was the Prince or even God the Son.

Nathanael began to realize just what "trust" meant. He had to wait until it made sense later.

Somehow.

And "one of you is a devil." It had to be Judas. Was Judas to be the catalyst by which Jesus was to be handed over to the Gentiles to be crucified? Certainly, he was now confirmed in his idea that Jesus was insane, and how could he put his trust in a madman?

Then why did he not leave? There was something keeping him here--and making him act strangely, to put the best construction on it. Was what he had been doing his showing of his contempt for the fools who actually believed Jesus and thought he was somehow God? Giving Thomas wine to--what? To show that he could drink it without ill effects? If so, he little knew what drunks were like; his own mother proved that. No matter how long a drunk stopped drinking, as she had done from time to time, if he took one drink, he resumed where he had left off, as his mother had done, several times, Nathanael hoping each time that it was permanent, only to have his hopes dashed a week later. And Jesus as much as said this to Thomas. Perhaps he did not know; because if he did, he might just as well have been trying to kill Thomas.

And Mary. Perhaps he wanted to bring her back to the drunkenness of her lust. He must have noticed that she was attracted to him--and was John also? Certainly, his reaction was not one of attraction, but perhaps he was fighting an attraction he had that he knew was evil.

All this began to make a kind of perverted sense. A self-righteous person who was about to rebel against the teaching of the holiest of holy men might want to drag others away from him also, to prove in some twisted way that everyone in his heart of hearts was as much of a hypocrite as he was.

In that case, Judas indeed had become a devil, and each of the Emissaries would have to brace himself against him and guard whatever weakness he had that Judas might "test" to see if it withstood attack. So far, at least, Thomas and Mary, and presumably John, had passed. Would Nathanael? If he played on his fears? What would he do?

But of course, all this could be nonsense. Perhaps everything he seemed to see was simply coincidence. But Jesus said that one of the group was a devil, and Judas certainly seemed to be a prime candidate.

Interestingly, many people still flocked to hear Jesus as he preached in the synagogues. Apparently, if they were told about eating the meat of his body, they interpreted it as the Emissaries seemed to be doing: that it was some kind of metaphor which they could ignore until the explanation was forthcoming. Or perhaps they merely wanted their diseases cured.

The students now were with him rather constantly, having apparently accomplished their mission of spreading the news about the advent of the Reign of God. And, as was obvious, Jesus was beginning to make his plan more explicit, if not more intelligible. He said nothing more about eating the meat of his body, to the relief of everyone.

One time, as he was preaching, someone came up to him and mentioned that his mother and relatives were outside wishing to speak to him. He said, "Who are my mother and my relatives?" and then waved his hand over the congregation. "Here are my mother and relatives. Anyone who listens to what God says and acts on it is my mother and my sister and my brother."

Nonetheless, he curtailed his discourse and went outside, where he found his mother and a number of people Nathanael had not met; obviously his "material" relatives.

"I would not disturb you," she said in calm voice, "but they insisted that they wished to speak with you as soon as possible--and finally, I told them I would see what I could do."

"They understood well the best approach," said Jesus. Then he turned to a group of two or three others who were with her. "But you knew that there was no necessity for this. I am still what I was; I have not changed from the time we played at castles and soldiers in these very streets. I am not some Caesar, who grants audiences."

"True," said a thin, pale man, half a head taller than Jesus. He was a little younger, it seemed, perhaps in his late twenties. He fingered his robe nervously, and temporized, "It was the crowd. We tried to get by them to see you, and could not force our way in--and we thought that if you knew we were outside, you would come out to meet us."

It was obvious that this was a half-truth, perhaps even a little less. At least in this man's case, the fact that his playmate had become a miracle-worker and a preacher of such intense power had intimidated him.

"Actually," said a very brown man whose beard was beginning to be grizzled, though his hair was still black. He had enormous eyebrows and a nose rather more sharp than most, "I was the one who wanted to see you before I left to go back to Alexandria. We are both too busy, are we not?"

"I do seem to be rather occupied at present, James," replied Jesus. "I am sorry I did not make more leisure to have a long chat. You leave soon?"

So he had relatives in Alexandria. This James seemed to be some kind of merchant.

"--morrow, I fear. Business. But I have heard much about you--in fact, there are a few stirrings as far away as Egypt, would you believe, and not simply among the relatives you have there, either. Not much, you understand, but your name begins to be mentioned now and again. And that was my real motive for speaking to you. You must leave this place for Judea so that you will have an audience for what you do. People do not do great deeds in secret, they want to be noticed. If you are a magician, you must go show yourself to the world."

The others nodded, and the first one said, "The Festival of the Booths is coming. You could come down with us. We would be delighted to have you."

Jesus smiled at them, and said, "Thank you for your concern, Joses--to all of you," with a special nod at James, "but the right time has not come for me yet. For you, any time would be a good time, because the world does not hate you. But the fact is that it hates me, because what I do proves to it that its deeds are evil."

James tried to make a demurrer, and Jesus answered his thought, "No, I am deadly serious. You go down to the festival; I cannot accompany you, I am afraid. It might be dangerous."

They made polite noises of insistence, but they were short-lived. The rumors of Jesus's wild statements had doubtless reached them, and these last remarks of his tended more than anything to confirm suspicions that he might indeed be mad.

"Well," said James, "I thought it a good idea to propose it; but I can see that it has already occurred to you, and doubtless you have good and sufficient reason for what you are doing. As to me, of course, I must go and make myself ready for the journey. Some one of these days, we must get together and talk. And if you ever do come down to Alexandria, my house, as always, is open; and you can be sure that I will put in a word in certain circles and see to it that you are well received. From what I have been hearing, if you continue as you have been doing, there will not be a sick person left in Galilee or any of the surrounding countryside."

The others murmured assent, and each found an excuse to leave. They clearly did not know what to make of this new person, for all of his protestations that he had not changed.

As it turned out, when Everyone had already been gone for two days to the celebration in Jerusalem, Jesus said that he had decided to go after all.

Nathanael began the slight preparations for the trip down, when Ezra came up to him, and said, "I have been to the house, and there are some things I think you should know."

"How is everyone? I think of them often."

"All is not well. It is . . . Your father has--I suppose you could call it 'exiled'--your mother to the cottage. He told me that he had given her an ultimatum: that she would stop drinking wine entirely, or that he did not want to have to look at her any longer. If she wanted to kill herself with drink, she could do it in the cottage; he would not be responsible."

Nathanael was silent for a while and then said, with a deep sigh, "How like him! Did you see her?"

"I did. She is--well on the road that Thomas traveled. She told me that she tried to stop, and simply could not."

"She is not alone, is she?"

"Oh, no! Your father is not a monster--not, if I may say so, a complete monster--forgive me, I should not have said that."

"Why not? It is the truth."

"Well, I feel rather strongly, having seen your mother."

"I can well believe it. But Rachel is attending her?"

"She is, and, of course, is trying diplomatically to persuade her not to drink, or at least to drink less. But what can a slave do? And you know how hopeless it is."

"How well I know it!"

"In any case, I talked to the Master, to see if there was anything he could do, and he told me that you should go to see them."

"I? Neither of them will listen to me! And my father told me never to let him see my face!"

"She will. And she needs someone to talk to. But Jesus said that you are to remove the curse from her, as he did from Thomas; and once you have done that, you can explain to your father that if he is gentle and loving with her, she will be saved."

"Gentle and loving! The only thing he has ever been 'gentle and loving' with has been his horse! You know that! His idea of 'helping' people is to berate them for not being as perfect as he thinks he is!"

"Nevertheless, that is what Jesus said. And if he said it, then you will be able to do it."

"As I exorcised the demon from that boy!"

"None of you students could have done it. He said that."

"I cannot, Ezra! I am completely. . . I could barely sit in the boat during the storm, or walk afterwards. My legs had no bones!"

"But you went into the boat; I saw you hesitate and almost go by land with Thomas. And you did sit through it. All of us were terrified."

"Terrified is not the word to describe me."

"I was proud of you."

"Proud?"

"Bartholomew--think of that name for a moment. It is your name--courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is doing what one is afraid to do."

Nathanael laughed. "Then I must be the most courageous person who ever lived!"

"You may be at that. I am serious. But you must go to see them. You know you must."

"Why do you not go?"

"I? If you think they will not listen to you, how will they listen to a slave? They think of me still as a slave, you know, and I call them 'Master' and 'Madame' as I used to, not to create a scene. But even if I went, I have not the power; I am not an Emissary, but merely an observer."

Nathanael was silent again, and then said, "I will fail again. I know I will."

"But even if you do, you know you must try."

"I know. He does not ask for success, but that we try."

"So you will go?"

"I must, as you say. How I hate this! But, he told me that even if I fail, the result will be better than if I had not tried. If I could only believe this!"

"I will pray for you."

"Very well, I will go, and then meet you in Jerusalem as soon as they drive me out of the house."

"Do you wish me to accompany you?"

"I think not, but thank you Ezra. I very much fear that I will fail, and I cannot bear the thought of having witnesses to my humiliation."

"Then I will wait here, and we can go to Jerusalem together. But I think you will succeed--Nathanael."

Nathanael smiled ruefully. I had best go now--Nehemiah. If I think about it, I will not be able to go."

Ezra smiled and waved farewell as Nathanael turned to go up the hill, feeling as if he were going down into Gehenna.

On the way, he decided that he would see his mother first and, if he could only do it, remove the curse from her. If he went first to his father, he would only be driven away and not allowed to see his mother. But if he could confront his father with the news that his wife was sober and, with proper treatment, would remain so, he might be able to speak to him.

--Well, he had brought Thomas to Jesus, and she would not be a mass of filth, as he was. So, as he approached the cottage, he took a deep breath and knocked.

"Yes?"

"Rachel, it is Nathanael. May I speak to my mother?"

She opened the door. "Master Nathanael! How good to see you! But are you sure--?"

"Oh, I know how she must be. Is she awake?"

"Well, you know how it is."

"Can one speak with her?"

"Well, she answers when I say things; but I know not how much she really understands. You know how it is."

"I know, I knowl. But I must try. I think I may be able to help her."

Rachel's eyes welled with tears. "I would hope so. I would if I could."

"Fear not, Rachel. This actually might just succeed. I come from Jesus."

Her eyes widened. "You mean the prophet that everyone is talking about?"

"Yes. I am one of his Emissaries."

"No!"

"Yes, Rachel. I am not the Nathanael you knew. Sometimes I can actually do things."

"Now, Master Nathanael, do not--"

"Come, come, Rachel. I know what I was. Everyone knows what I was. I am still not much better, but a little. Where is she?"

She led the way into the room that Nathanael had used for a bedroom. His mother was sitting on the bed, and Nathanael half expected her to point at the wall and shriek, "They are coming through the wall!" but she only looked rather stupidly at him.

"Nathanael! Is it really you?"

"Yes indeed, mother. I came to see you."

She broke down and cried. "No one ever comes to see me! Why should they? Look at me! I am a torn rag of humanity! I only wish I could die!"

"Mother, I have not come simply to see you. I am bringing hope."

At this she laughed. "Hope? What is that? It is a jewel I lost long ago."

"It has been found, mother. I come from Jesus of Nazareth."

"Jesus of--where have I heard that name?"

Rachel, who was standing beside Nathanael, said, "You remember, Madame. The prophet everyone says has performed miracles! Even brought a dead boy back to life!"

"Nonsense! It is all stories!"

"No, mother, it is not. I saw it myself."

"I do not believe it."

"I had a friend, mother, named Thomas, and he also was a prisoner of drink. And he also--"he almost choked--"saw things that were not there. He saw the brother he had killed by accident, and there was no one there. And I brought him to Jesus, and Jesus laid his hand on his head and said that the curse he was under was gone--and he was sober. And he has been sober for a year and a half now; he drinks nothing but water."

"In truth?"

"I see him nearly every day."

She cried again. "Oh, if only it could be true!"

"It can be, mother, if you but wish it."

"I would give anything! And not to want it any more?"

"Ah, well, it is not so simple."

"I knew it was not possible."

"No, listen to me. You cannot stop drinking as you are now. You and I both know that."

"Talmai does not."

"I know. I will have to see him and explain, once I--"

"Explain? To him?"

"Well, I must try. But first, let me explain to you. I can remove the curse so that you no longer have to drink. But you will still desire to do so; but you will be able to control the desire. It is possible. I have seen it happen. You cannot control it now; but you will be able to when I remove the curse."

"I do not believe it."

"The sign that you will be able to stop will be that when I remove the curse, at that instant, you will be completely sober."

She laughed again. "I no longer know what it is like to be completely sober."

"I know. Jesus told Thomas that he had been poisoned, and that his system needed the poison in order to function. Jesus made his system no longer need it. He restored the state in which his sober condition was his normal one."

"I still do not believe it."

"What do you have to lose? If I fail, you are no worse than you are now."

She thought silently for a while.

He continued, "But you must want me to do it for me to be able to do it."

"Do I want it? . . . I suppose I do. Of course I do! But I am . . . terrified."

"Fear not. It may be difficult, but as you are now, it is far, far worse."

She thought for a short time, and then said, "Very well. It does not hurt, does it?"

"Not at all."

"Then do it."

Nathanael went up to her and put his hands on her head. It was the first time he had touched her for years. "In the name of Jesus of Nazareth, may you be free of this curse."

And her eyes brightened, and then filled with tears. She clung to Nathanael, with her weeping head on his breast, and said, "I have not felt thus for I know not how long! I had forgotten what it was like! I cannot believe it!"

"Thank God!" exclaimed Nathanael. "Thank Jesus! Oh, thank you, Jesus, so terribly much!"

"Thank God!" cried Rachel. "Hallelujah! Madame, you look twenty years younger. You are as I remember you! Hallelujah!"

And they spent a good deal of time praising God and Jesus--and weeping for joy, all three of them.