Twenty-Five

Shortly afterward, Jesus and his Emissaries had gone into a lonely spot, after crossing the "sea" of Galilee in a boat, because Jesus had been so--one might say "pestered"--by the crowds that he decided that they should have a little time by themselves; they would return on the morrow. The boat trip still made Nathanael somewhat nervous, but with Jesus awake during the trip, he realized that it was silly. Jesus could simply command a calm when he wished. Of course, it was not so easy to tell his heart that there was nothing to worry about, and he still gripped the gunwale rather more firmly than anyone else.

When they arrived on the shore, however, instead of its being lonely, it turned out that a positively enormous throng of people had divined where they were going, and had walked around the lake from Capernaum and all the surrounding area and caught sight of them; and Jesus, unwilling to simply send them away, had gone up a hill (it was not very far from the mountain where he had delivered his initial sermon), and he spoke to them at great length, sitting there, with the people ranged below him down toward the lake.

Finally, he said to the Twelve, who were gathered round him, "It is late, and the place is deserted." He turned to Philip, who happened to be beside him. "Where will we buy enough bread to feed all these people?" He had a twinkle in his eye as he said this.

"Half a year's salary," Philip answered, "would not buy enough bread so that everyone could have even a little!" He gazed out at the crowd in dismay. Jesus wore a little smile. He looked around as if for suggestions.

Andrew said, "There is a boy here with five barley loaves and a couple of fish. But" he added as he cast a glance out at the crowd, "what good would that do with all of them?" He waved his arm indicating the multitude.

"Have the people lie down to eat," said Jesus. The place was quite grassy, and so they milled about and reclined on it, spreading themselves on the field halfway down the hill.

Jesus then took the loaves of bread from the boy, raised his eyes to the sky and thanked his Father for supplying them with food. And then he tore the loaves apart and handed the pieces to the Emissaries to distribute; and did the same with the two cooked fishes. And each of the Emissaries managed to get a piece either of bread or fish or both.

Nathanael had bread, quite a large piece, considering that at least nine of the Emissaries had bread. He tore off a small chunk and gave it to the person next to him, and was about to tear off another, when it seemed to him that the piece he had was the same size as before he had given part of it away. To test this, he tore the piece in half and gave half to the woman who reached for it, looking at the piece he had left to see if it would grow. And it did not seem to do so, but somehow, when he tore another chunk off it, it was as large as at first.

Fascinated, he kept tearing the little roll that he had, each time diminishing it, but each time having the same amount to tear, without his being able to see how or when it restored itself. One must blink, and it seemed to wait until he did so to grow back.

Simon the Revolutionary, he noticed, was in his heaven. He was passing among the crowd, asking everyone he met whether they wanted more, and saying, "You see? Your King is feeding you! With five loaves of bread and two little fish! And there are thousands of you! I have been counting. You must be five thousand men or more, not even counting the women and children! And all of you are being fed on these five loaves by your King! Or is Caesar your King? Or who is?"

And as he went from group to group in the throng, the word "King" began to swell from the crowd like a chorus, and when finally the students came around with baskets to collect the leftovers and eventually filled twelve with what people no longer wanted, the cry of "King!" became a roar, as the people stood up, evidently to go up to Jesus and lift him on their shoulders and take him--to Jerusalem, to anywhere, they knew not; they were simply inflamed with enthusiasm.

But quickly the swell of hosannas turned into a confused, "Where is he?" and Simon began running among them, from one student to the next, asking who had seen Jesus last. The most that could be gleaned was that he had been there, but had slipped away while everyone was distracted with collecting the marvelous harvest from the five loaves. "But he cannot have gone!" screamed Simon in anguish. "It is the perfect moment! Where is he?"

Nathanael put a long hand on his shoulder and turned him around. "Obviously," he said, "he does not want to be King."

"What do you mean, 'does not want to be'? He is our King."

"Then where is he?"

"That is what I want to know!" he shouted, and broke free. He ran off into the woods at the top of the hill, where Jesus must have gone; and after a short while came back, protesting and sputtering for people to help him look for the Master. But the others said that the Master knew what he was doing, and that if he wanted to be made King, he would appear and allow himself to be proclaimed King; but if he did not, everyone here could search the whole hill, and he would be nowhere to be found.

Simon would not calm down for a considerable time, well after the crowd had thinned out a great deal, and night had begun to fall; and even then, all he did was hang sulking about the periphery of the little band of students.

They, on the other hand, were ebullient. "Did you see Philip's face," laughed John's brother James, "when the Master asked him how we were to buy bread to feed all these people?"

"Well how was I to know what he planned to do?" said Philip, evoking a roar of laughter in everyone, who continued teasing him unmercifully in their joy, while some related anecdotes about the people in the crowd, how everyone tried to find out how the bread multiplied itself--and no one, not even the students, could fathom it; there simply always was more. Like everything Jesus did, it was perfectly simple, and perfectly impossible to understand.

But night was falling apace, and Jesus was still somewhere on the hill--or nowhere, or perhaps already in Capernaum. "What shall we do?" they asked each other. "He told us we were to be in Capernaum tomorrow. Shall we wait, or get into the boat now?"

"There is only the one boat," said Simon Rock, "and"--looking at Mary, who had joined them from somewhere--"there are more of us now than when we came over. Will we all fit in?"

"Do not concern yourself," said Thomas. "It is a fine night, though it looks as if there might be a wind later. You go ahead in the boat if you think you want to risk it, in case he has somehow gone ahead of us. I will walk, and see you there probably around noon." He asked if anyone wanted to accompany him, and Nathanael was about to respond, when he thought, "No. I must cure this fear I have of being in a boat. There will be no danger, even if Jesus is not with us. I should go in the boat"; and he got in, one or two of them raising an eyebrow that he had not joined Thomas, since they had heard his cry of panic that day when the storm came up.

Nothing happened for quite a while; the night was quite peaceful--except that the stars kept disappearing. Nathanael looked up, and then over to the Rock, who said, "It seems that there is going to be a blow. We had best get over there as fast as possible." And four men manned the oars, and they flew over the water.

But not fast enough. Nathanael felt a drop, and then another. And then the wind really rose; and it was a headwind, stopping them in their tracks--but more significantly for Nathanael, making the boat rock precariously. He gripped the gunwale behind him for dear life, and closed his eyes, as the rain pelted down, thoroughly soaking him and making every surface slippery.

They rowed desperately thus for what seemed to Nathanael a full week, Nathanael growing weak from gripping the gunwale so tightly, and fighting off, not only panic, but seasickness as the boat, which had previously seemed so large, rocked and pitched like a horse being broken in.

"Dear Jesus," muttered Nathanael, "you can see us. Please help us! I have faith in you--I am trying to have faith in you!" as the boat gave promise of tipping over.

Suddenly, the Rock said, "Behold!"

"What is it?" came from several voices. The oarsmen were too busy trying to hold the boat on course.

"It looks like the Master!"

"The Master? What boat could he be in? Ours was the only one."

"He is not in a boat! He is walking over the water!"

"What?" "Where?" "You are out of your mind!"

There was a silence, as the boat rocked and rocked, the rain pelted and pelted, and the wind blew and blew.

"Look there astern! See for yourselves!"

"It is the Master!" "It is a ghost!" At this, Nathanael screamed. He was not alone. Someone else shouted, "They have killed him!" Someone else, "Who is out of his mind now?" "How can anyone walk on top of the water? You are all seeing things!" Nathanael closed his eyes tight.

"You know who I AM," called Jesus. "Fear not!" That voice! Nathanael almost wept from relief. He still did not dare to open his eyes.

"No, it is truly the Master!" shouted the Rock over the roar of the storm. "Master, if it is you, tell me to come to you over the water!"

At this, Nathanael looked up in amazement, as Jesus said, "Come," and the Rock climbed out of the boat and actually began to walk toward the advancing figure.

--And then he looked down at the water and saw what he was doing, and promptly sank. "Master! Help!" he shouted as he was halfway down.

And Jesus was there beside him, holding his hand and lifting him up. "You skeptic!" he laughed. "Why did you doubt?"

The others then helped them into the boat--and suddenly, it was at the shore they had been trying to reach, and the rain stopped raining, the wind stopped blowing, and the boat, out of which they climbed, trembling, stopped rocking and pitching. Nathanael's legs almost could not carry him; it was as if the ground were pitching like the sea.

"We had best get some sleep," said Jesus, as they took shelter under some trees, astounded to find the ground dry, as were their clothes.

The next morning, Nathanael woke with a headache, which gradually went away as they ate and went to Capernaum, where Jesus again found himself surrounded with a crowd, many of whom had come round already by land from where they had been staying. (Thomas and his companions had not arrived as yet; they probably slept in a cave during the storm.) They informed the rest of the miraculous multiplication of the loaves and fishes, and the whole crowd was abuzz. Jesus, however, did not speak with anyone until they were in the synagogue, and everyone had settled down a bit because they were in a holy place.

Finally, he sat down and looked at them. "Rabbi, when did you get here?" someone asked before he could begin speaking. They had seen the students go alone into the boat, and there were no other boats there. Evidently, they had seen some boats passing and hailed them, thinking that they would at least be able to question the Twelve.

"Amen amen I tell you," said Jesus, an expression that indicated that he was about to say something of singular importance, "you are not looking for me because you saw evidence; you are here because you had a meal and filled yourselves with the bread. Do not be bothering about food that spoils; pay attention to food that stays fresh for eternal life: food that the Son of Man will give you, because this is the task the Father has assigned to him."

Nathanael thought that this was some new kind of food he was referring to--there was a spiritual sense here. There was to be an advance today in what Jesus was planning, now that they had seen this spectacular miracle. He listened intently.

But they ignored it. They were more interested, obviously, in how they could have Jesus repeat what he had done for them."But what are we supposed to do," they asked "if we are to concern ourselves with what God wants of us?"

"God's task for you," answered Jesus, "is for you to believe in the one he sent."

So the bread was evidence that Jesus was to be believed in. Merely as a miracle-worker, or as the Prince--or was he invoking the miracle as evidence that what he said was to be listened to as true?

"Very well," they answered, "but how do you go about proving that you are the one we are to believe in? What is this task God has given you? Our ancestors ate manna in the desert, after all, as it says in Scripture, 'He gave them bread from heaven to eat.'" The unspoken implication seemed to be, "but all you have done is multiplied ordinary bread."

Nathanael wondered if this was precisely the idea that Jesus had intended to convey.

"Amen amen I tell you," Jesus answered, "Moses did not give you bread from heaven." He emphasized the word as his questioner had done, "but my Father will give you bread that really does come from heaven. God's bread is the one who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world."

"Ah! Then give us this bread, Master, all the time!"

"I am the bread that comes down from heaven." said Jesus. Another metaphor? The hearers took it that way, Nathanael could see from the disgusted looks on their faces. But there was something more behind this. What? "A person who comes to me will never be hungry, and one who believes in me will never feel thirst."

He heard them say to each other, "You see? It was nothing but 'listen to me' all over again. Bread from heaven indeed! One could eat the manna!"

"I told you, you saw the evidence just now, and yet you still do not believe me. But everyone my Father gave me comes to me, and I will not turn my back on anyone who comes to me, because I came down from heaven to . . ." At this point, Nathanael saw that Matthew had noticed--of course--that Mary had come into the synagogue, and wove his way back through the crowd to be with her.

Jesus was saying, "--bring him back to life on the last day. This is the will of my Father, that everyone who sees the Son and believes in him will have eternal life, and I will bring him back to life on the last day."

At this, the people were grumbling to themselves more and more loudly, saying things like, "Is this not the Jesus that is Joseph's son?" Another answered, "It is. We know his father and mother. How can he claim that he 'came down from heaven'?"

"What are you complaining about?" said Jesus. "No one can come to me unless he is drawn by the Father who sent me--and then I will bring him to life on the last day. There is a prophesy, 'They will all be instructed by God.' Everyone who has listened to the Father and learned from him comes to me. No one has seen the Father except the one who comes from God; he has seen the Father."

So he has "seen" the Father because he "comes from God," in spite of the fact that they know his father and mother. He seemed to be implying that he "saw" the Father before he was even born. Well, if he was God, this would have to be true; and he was gradually approaching telling people just that.

Nathanael's musings lost a bit of what Jesus was saying, but his attention was called back when Jesus said, "I am bread for life. Your ancestors ate manna in the desert and died; but this is bread that comes down from heaven for people to eat and not die. I am living bread that comes down from heaven, and if anyone eats this bread, he will live forever." He paused, seemed to be inspired by an idea, stroking his beard in his characteristic way, and then continued, "And the bread I am to give you is the meat of my body, for the life of the world."

Nathanael gasped, as did everyone else. What could he possibly mean? Those around him were saying, "How can this man give us the meat of his body to eat?" He saw Mary cover her eyes with her hands, obviously thinking of what Judas had said. It seemed that something that would make this possible--and not nauseating--had occurred to him; the stroking of his beard seemed to indicate an inspiration. But certainly he could have said nothing more outrageous and mad, just as Judas had predicted he would.

And Jesus evidently heard the congregation, but again as Judas predicted, instead of explaining himself, he went on, "Amen amen I tell you that if you do not eat the meat which is the Son of Man's body--and drink his blood!--" The congregation gasped once again, "--you will not have life in you!" Jesus seemed more intense now than he had ever been. Nathanael was racking his brain trying to find some sense in which they could "eat the meat of his body." They would evidently, it seemed, have to eat something, because he was talking in the context of the magic bread, which was somehow not real food; and indeed, Jesus was saying, "--meat which is my body is real food, and my blood is real drink. Anyone who eats the meat of my body and drinks my blood lives in me and I in him. Just as my living Father sent me and I live through the Father, anyone who eats me will live through me. This is the bread that comes down from heaven. Not what your ancestors ate. They died. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever!"

There was consternation. Mary and Matthew looked at each other. Matthew took her hand and held it as both contemplated Jesus in horror. People were saying, "That is disgusting! How can anyone listen to it?" Indeed, it sounded worse than disgusting; it sounded like cannibalism. Would Jesus break off an arm, roast it and multiply it as he had multiplied the bread?

Jesus looked around at all of them, as they grumbled to one another in their outrage. "You find that difficult to accept, do you not? What if you were to see the Son of Man rise up to where he was before? Spirit is what gives life; matter is of no use at all; and what I have told you is spirit and life, and there are some of you who do not believe it!"

There was a spiritual sense to this, then. There had to be. Eating a roasted arm was not to be thought of. Nathanael said to himself, "Master, I am trying to believe! I am trying to try! Help my lack of belief!" He looked around at the other Emissaries, who were increasingly the only ones who had not turned away in disgust and left; and they all, every one of them, had looks of incredulity on their faces; and all but Judas were trying desperately to understand, hoping against hope that he would explain himself when everyone else was gone. Judas had a pained look on his face as he gazed down at the tiles on the floor, shaking his head.

As everyone was leaving, Jesus was saying, "That is why I said that no one can come to me unless he is given the power to do it by my Father."

Then they were alone with him, at last. But instead of explaining the "spiritual sense" of what he said, he looked sadly at each of them, and said, "Do you wish to go away too?"

There was a dead silence, and a few shuffled their feet. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, Simon Rock spoke up, with tears in his voice. "Master, to whom would we go? We know that what you say is eternal life, and--and we have believed that you are the Holy One of God. We--we know this."

Jesus smiled poignantly at the masterful effort. "Did I not choose you twelve?" he said. Then his eyes lifted themselves to the mountains on the other side of the lake and beyond them to the infinity he had just said he had come from, and added, "And one of you is a devil!"