Thirty-Six

After Judas had left, Jesus continued speaking to them throughout the dinner, but Matthew mainly heard mere sounds. His mind was completely occupied in following Judas, and in wondering whether David had seen him leave, and whether suddenly the High Priest's retinue would break into the room and capture them all.

Phrases floated into his consciousness from time to time: "New commandment . . . Same love for each other that I have for you . . . Many rooms in my Father's house . . .If I do go, then I will come back and take you with me. . . I have been with you all this time, Philip, and you still do not know who I am? Anyone who looks at me is seeing the Father! . . . Patron, the Holy Spirit . . . make you understand everything. . . My peace is what I give you . . . I am telling you before it happens, so that when it does happen, you will be able to trust me . . ."

His mind was brought back into focus at the end of the dinner, however, when Jesus took some of the bread, called for their attention, tore the bread apart and said, "Take this and eat it. This is my body," and handed pieces to each one, just as he had handed pieces of the bread that had miraculously multiplied. Matthew was immediately reminded of what he had said in Capernaum afterwards, and of Matthew's speculation that he might transform his body into what appeared to be bread in order for them to be able to eat it. Apparently, it was more complicated than that. He took what was bread, and if he meant what he had said and was saying now, he then made it somehow his body.

Matthew ate his piece, wondering if the others caught what was happening. If this is what Jesus had just done, then he had now consumed the body of his Master! And Jesus had insisted that it must be done to gain eternal life.

And then Jesus took the cup he had been drinking from, filled it with wine, said a blessing over it, and said, "Take this and drink from it. This is the cup of my blood, which will be spilled for you and for many, many others, so that their sins will be forgiven."

As Matthew drank the liquid, which tasted exactly like wine, but which, if he was right in interpreting what Jesus was doing, was the blood of the man-God standing there, he thought, "So he is not going to succeed. They have won. But, as his mother mentioned when we spoke of this, he has found another way. The spilling of his blood is to be the sacrifice which wipes away our sins, just as the death of Lazarus was the means of bringing Lazarus to realize the truth.

"But in that case, he must come back to life on the third day. He must! If he does not, all this is a delusion, and our sins remain with us!"

And Jesus had said on this very night, had he not, that he was leaving and coming back? Matthew seemed to recall, through the haze of his worries, words to that effect.

Jesus then said that they should leave and go back to the garden. Matthew looked round about him, as did everyone else, wondering if there would be an ambush, but no one seemed to be there. Jesus was still speaking--something about a vine and branches--but Matthew at times could not hear him, and in any case, could not follow anything that was said to him, he was so frightened. It was certainly going to happen! And he would probably die with Jesus! Did he have the courage? He was terrified that he would be too afraid to go through with what he had to do.

"Amen amen I tell you," Jesus was saying, "you will have agony in the world. But be brave; I have won the battle with the world!"

And then they went through the gate into the garden. Jesus told them to wait and try to sleep while he went over farther with John, big James and the Rock, and prostrated himself on a large stone there, and prayed, obviously in agony himself.

Matthew could not sleep, and thought that none of them would be able to do so, but in their anguish, it turned out that most of them could stay awake. Twice Jesus came to the three, and asked them--pleaded with them--to keep him company, and they started shamefaced from their slumber, but then after a short time dozed again.

During the night sometime, David came up, threw aside his cloak and put a linen cloth over himself--he was hot from running--as he lay beside Matthew, whispering, "They are going to come, Master. I saw--him!--go out from your place alone, and instead of coming here, I followed him. And he went to the High Priest, and they began to collect a group and go for some Roman soldiers! Tell the Master."

"He knows, David." Matthew whispered back. "He is going to let it happen."

"Let it happen?" David almost spoke aloud.

"Shh! I do not understand it." Matthew whispered. "But I know that he knows. See him over there, praying. If you could see his face when he comes back to us!"

"But what shall we do?"

"I know not. Whatever he tells us."

"We can never conquer them."

"We will have to wait and see. He knows what he is doing."

"I wish I could believe that."

Just then Jesus came back and said, "Sleep, now, and try to rest." and then lifted his head as he heard a noise. "Rise, let us go forward. The traitor is here."

And through the gate came Judas with a contingent from the High Priest and some Roman soldiers, armed with torches, lanterns, clubs, and other weapons.

Judas then came up and kissed Jesus. Jesus said something to him that Matthew could not catch, except for the sorrow in his voice.

Then he stepped forward and said, "Who is it you are looking for?"

"Jesus of Nazareth," answered the soldier in charge.

"That is the one I AM," said Jesus, and the words "I AM" rang through the garden like the tolling of a huge bell, almost deafening everyone. The soldiers, along with Judas, stepped back, and fell prostrate in terror.

After a short while of dead silence, Jesus said again, "Who is it you are looking for?"

The attackers got to their feet, and the commander answered in a small voice, "Jesus of, ah, Nazareth."

"I told you that was the one I was," said Jesus. "And if I am the one you are looking for, then let these people go."

Then the Rock, who had for some unaccountable reason a sword, drew it and slashed at the head of one of the High Priest's slaves; but the slave dodged, and all he accomplished was to cut off his ear.

"Put your sword back in its sheath!" snapped Jesus, and the Rock, trembling, complied. "Am I not to drink the cup the Father has given me?"

"Allow me to do this much," he told the commander, and picked up the man's ear and reattached it. Everyone was dumbfounded, and simply stood there, while Jesus waved for his students to escape, and they all, Matthew included, ran off. Matthew saw that David did not even stop to pick up his cloak, and ran away naked.

They all scattered, Matthew running not far and then stopping to see what happened. The soldiers emerged, with Jesus tied up in their midst, marching him back across the Kidron brook, evidently to the High Priest's palace, which was near the Temple.

After they had gone out of sight, Matthew saw David return stealthily and retrieve his cloak, and then reemerge. Matthew stepped out of the shadows, and David came up and whispered,

"I know where they are going, and he is still with them. I will follow him and--"

"Do not kill him, David! You must not!"

"Why not? He has killed the Master!"

"No, the Master is doing this of his own free will. Did he not tell us there in the garden that he had twelve legions of angels to deliver him if he wished? But even so, Judas is not worth the sin of murder on your soul!"

"I care nothing for that!"

"But I care for it! I love you, David! I would not have you incur guilt because of that--that pig's dropping!"

David looked at him. "What did you say?"

"I love you. Did you not know? You have become like a son to me!"

David was silent for a moment, and then wailed, "Oh, Master, you know me not! I am not worthy of love! Least of all your love!"

"Promise me you will not kill him."

David was silent again for a long while, and then said, "Very well, I promise. I will not kill him. But I intend to follow him to see what he is going to do. I think I know where he is going." And he ran off before Matthew could say anything further.

Matthew stood there for a while, wondering what to do. It seemed useless to try to go after Jesus, since he obviously did not wish anyone to share his fate, and in any case, they would not be able to enter the High Priest's palace.

Then the thought occurred to him that he had heard some talk about their taking Lazarus also, since Jesus had so recently brought him back to life, and Lazarus was evidence of the truth of his claim to be the Son of God--and important people in Jerusalem had witnessed it.

He had to go to Bethany to warn everyone there. His heart told him, "Especially Mary," and his reason said that thiswas not merely an excuse to see her, but that Lazarus needed to be alerted to what had happened, whether Mary was there or not. So he set out as fast as he could.

After an eternity, he pounded on the door, and finally faced a Lazarus dazed with sleep with a breathless, "They have taken him! They have taken him!"

"Come in, come in," said Lazarus. "Taken whom?"

"The Master! And I thought you should know also, since there has been some talk that there is a price upon your head as well, because of all the people who knew you were dead and came back to life!" Lazarus turned white and nearly fainted, his hand still on the door. He gaped at Matthew as he entered.

"Who took him?" cried Martha, running up in her night clothes, her hair hastily tucked under a veil she had thrown on. "How? Where?"

Matthew had come in by this time, and entered the sitting-room, where Mary, Judith, and the two slave-girls had joined Lazarus and Martha. Lazarus was still in a state of half-conscious shock, saying "I?" "I?" to himself. Matthew did not sit.

"It was in that garden, Gethsemani, on the Mount of Olives, where we used to go to spend the night. You remember, it was Jehu's and he let us use it. We thought no one knew of it--and no one did, until this night," he added with rancor. He paused, his anger making him incapable of going on.

"Was it--?" Mary began, and stopped.

He looked over at her, but did not answer. He could not bear the thought that she loved him. Finally, he managed to say, "He knew what was to happen. He--he warned us during dinner--we could not understand why he would want to have the Passover dinner a night early, and--well, we found out. He took the Rock, James, and John with him to a remote corner to pray. I crept over, and--well, he was praying for it not to happen, if it were possible, and--I cannot describe how he looked! And then, he seemed to have received his answer, and he told us--and we had been asleep! Three times! How could we have slept while he was--! Well. He roused the three for the third time and came over to wake us, because the--traitor!--was due to arrive."

He stopped again.

"And there he was, with a couple of soldiers and some of the Temple police, with swords and clubs and things, as if we were criminals, and he--and he went to him and--and he kissed! him! He said, 'Good evening, Rabbi,' as if nothing was--and he kissed! him! Evidently, it was some kind of a signal, because one of the soldiers made a move forward, and--" He stopped again.

Mary said again in a tiny voice, "Was it--"

He nodded, with clenched teeth, his eyes closed in agony. He could not bring himself to say the name. Mary looked around. Martha clearly knew who it was. Judith and the slave were simply puzzled by the whole situation, and Lazarus was still lost in the idea that he might himself be in danger.

Matthew then found his voice again and told them the rest of what happened in the garden, and how the soldiers had led Jesus away to the High Priest's palace.

"But we could not enter, of course. And I thought of you and came here. It looks very bad; I heard that around dawn as soon as it becomes legal, they are going to try him."

"Try him?" said Lazarus. "On what charge?"

"I would imagine on the charge of blasphemy. He has made some statements that could be interpreted as blasphemous--though he has always been able to defend himself, when it came to that. You were there, were you not, when he quoted the psalm, 'I have said you are gods,' when they accused him of calling himself the Son of God. But if they can find two witnesses to something of the sort who misheard in the same way, they might be able to--they probably will, or they would not have run the risk of capturing him, in spite of--well." He took a deep breath and paused for a moment.

"Of course, the real reason they took him is that they are afraid that the people will proclaim him King during the festival, and the Romans will not be able to prevent it because of the crowd. I imagine that their hope is that if they can find him guilty this morning and bring him before the governor early enough, they can turn the crowd against him somehow. You know how mobs are."

"I knew I should never have had anything to do with that man!" said Lazarus.

"What are you saying?" cried Martha.

"Please!" said Matthew. "As far as I know, no one has thought of you up to now; but it may occur to them at any moment. You really must leave here immediately, not only for your sake, but his! And I must be back to Jerusalem--though I cannot conceive of what I could do. He said last night that if he wished, his Father would send twelve legions of angels to fight for him. Well, he clearly has not wished it; and without something like twelve legions of angels, he is doomed! But do not delay any longer; prepare something and leave for some relative they know not. I will see you off, and then I must go."

"How long do you suppose we will be staying?" asked Lazarus.

"I know not. I know nothing. Three days. Three weeks. Years. I know not. But leave!"

All disappeared into their rooms, frantically looking for clothing and supplies for an emergency visit to--they knew not whom. When they had all come together again, with bundles to be loaded onto the donkey, Lazarus said, "We should go to Nashon, think you not? No one would look for us there."

"And we would not inconvenience him greatly," answered Martha. "His house is large. I think your idea is better than the one I had had in mind." She said this with some surprise, but Matthew thought that fools were often very shrewd when it came to their own interest or safety. "Let us go, then." she said.

And with Matthew prodding and prompting, they made the rest of their preparations, and set off across the hills. Matthew went out into the road from Jerusalem first, and reported back to them as they started on their journey that no one was coming. "And now I will leave you. God keep you safe!"

"And you also, Matthew!" said Martha. "I cannot understand what he has planned, but it will all turn out for the best. He knows what he is doing," Mary was silent.

"I wish I could believe it," he answered. "I saw his face there in the garden. But--well, peace." He laughed at the irony of the conventional farewell, and looked a long, rather wistful look at Mary. "She cares nothing for me." he thought. "I am simply a messenger. And she is so beautiful."

"Peace," she said with the others, as he turned. He almost spoke, but what could he say? "I love you, Mary, and I wish you well. I love you even if you love Judas." She would not understand a word of it. He could not understand it; he could not understand his love for her any more than he could understand her love for that--abomination of desolation!

And so in the dark hours before dawn had begun to make the sky not inky, now that the full moon had set, he went back to Jerusalem. But instead of going--he knew not where--in search of one of the other students, for what purpose he knew not, now that the worst had begun, he realized suddenly that he knew where Judas must be, in that house of his, and decided that he would confront him, and--not kill him perhaps, but thrash him within an inch of his life--if David had not done so first!

He hurried through the night, and found the gate in Jerusalem's wall, and wound his way through the streets. Yes, there was the house. And it was open! He was not there.

He ran frantically around to the back--and then once again beheld the disfigured, ghastly face of his father swinging from a branch of the accursed terebinth tree. Or was it the father of the young boy who was going to kill him?

No, It was what once was the handsome face of Judas, now sickening to behold. He had hanged himself.

He staggered back, almost fainting, and sat on a bench for a few moments. But the face was there, taunting him, mingling with the face of his father and the other father, reminding him of the agony they must have gone through.

"Dear Lord," he said, "Please have mercy on my father! And on the father of that boy!"

And then he almost heard Jesus say, "Love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you." He looked over at Judas, with his purple tongue hanging out, and wanted to gloat that he richly deserved so much more, if indeed Jesus was going to be crucified, as he had said. He could not pray for him!

And if not, what had Jesus's life meant? Not praying for Judas would be as much a betrayal of Jesus as what Judas had done; it would mean that what he stood for counted as nothing!

"Dear Lord, please have mercy on Judas," he managed finally to say. And then he fled.