Fourteen

Nathanael, approaching, stopped and gaped at Jesus. "Where do you know me from?" he asked.

"Before Philip called you," replied Jesus, "I saw you--under the fig tree."

This obviously gave him a fresh shock. John realized that something had happened to him under the tree, something involving being seen. When he found his voice, he exclaimed, "Rabbi, you are the Son of God! You are the King of Israel!"

Jesus laughed. "You believe just because I told you I saw you under the fig tree? You will see more marvelous things than that." He looked up to heaven. "Amen amen I tell you, you will see the sky open up and God's angels going up and coming down upon the Son of Man!" As he said this he raised and lowered his arms over his chest as if he were following them there.

Apparently there was to be no explanation of this little exchange, because Jesus then turned to the astonished group and said, "But if you others would excuse the two of us for some moments, I would speak to Nathanael privately. Then, if he wishes, I will introduce him to you."

He drew apart, and what was obviously his slave began to follow them. "In a moment, Ezra," he said. John now noticed Ezra for the first time (even one who has not had much experience with slaves learns the trick of seeing them and then not noticing them--because, of course, one does not speak to a slave except to give him orders--any more than one notices the furniture in a room).

But this one was different. He had heard of black people, but had imagined that they were simply rather darker brown than most (the fierce sun had, of course tanned anyone who spent any time there). But this man was black! Almost the color of ebony, except for the palms of his hands, and, from what John could see, the soles of his feet, which were about the color of a normal person who had been in the sun for a while. His nails were also light, and made little jewels at the ends of his fingers and toes. One could see, however, that his skin was not really black because his hair, which was kinky rather than curly like John's, was black as ink, and made one realize that his skin was merely very, very dark brown.

John was fascinated. Here was a magic that he had never even imagined. One could not compare him with Judas, because it would be like comparing pears with pomegranates, but he was extremely handsome in his own way, with very defined muscles--he had no fat on his body at all. And he was big, almost as big as Andrew, though without quite so huge a chest and arms, though his were quite muscular--as befitted a slave, thought John. He kept staring at him, not knowing what he was doing, and suddenly Ezra he smiled a smile that lit up the whole landscape with his white teeth, and then his pink tongue came out and wet his lips. John's heart leaped. It was like his visit to the drapers as a child, when he was enthralled by the variety of colors.

He could not decide if the smile was meant for him, or for the people in general, or simply because of some thought that had occurred to Ezra, because he made no indication that he had seen John looking at him, and his gaze tranquilly and slowly went around the group, John supposed after the manner of a slave, who needed to see (and remember) everything while giving the impression that he observed nothing, that he was simply there.

It occurred to John for the first time that it must have been infuriating, acting as if one were merely a donkey waiting to have some burden put on one's back. But of course, he was a slave, and perhaps slaves were little more than donkeys that could talk--that was what he had been told, but something in him refused to believe this.

Nathanael and Jesus were talking in low tones, but Nathanael suddenly blurted, loud enough to hear, "Master, I am nothing but fear! I can do nothing! It was from fear that I did nothing and let Samuel die." He let Samuel die? How? Was he there? Was he the man John saw occasionally as he went by where Samuel and Thomas and their father anchored their boat--sitting beneath a fig tree, was it not? with a scroll or a codex in his hands. Was Jesus trying to use him to rescue Thomas? Perhaps because he was responsible in some way, as John was?

They had lapsed back into inaudibility until again Nathanael said aloud, "I? It is impossible!" But Jesus did not seem to agree, and they resumed their discussion. The next thing that one could hear was Nathanael saying, "Oh, I will free him now! This instant!" Interestingly, he looked relieved at this, as if he were thankful to be free of Ezra, for some reason.

"Ezra!" Jesus called, and beckoned to him. "Thomas has something to say to you."

"You are a free man from this moment, Ezra," said Nathanael.

Ezra stared at him in disbelief. "Do you mean what you just said?"

"I mean every syllable."

"Oh, thank you, Master! And thank you!" to Jesus, who simply smiled. "I cannot believe it!"

"Not Master any longer. Simply Nathanael."

"I cannot believe it! Free!"

"But if you would, Ezra," said Nathanael, "I would ask the favor of you to accompany me for a while. I am to go to Thomas and try to bring him here--"

"Well, not here." said Jesus. "I must go to the house of Simon Barjona. I will meet you there. I will introduce you to the others now, and they will tell you where to go."

"Of course, I will join you," said Ezra. "Free! I cannot believe it! Thank you so much--"he evidently wanted to add "Master" and could not, and then he looked as if he would call him "Nathanael," but found he could not do that either.

Jesus brought Nathanael, almost reeling with bewilderment, and Ezra, whose face was almost white because he was smiling so broadly that all one could see was his teeth, to the little group that had been around him. Nathanael looked surprised that he had heard of so many of them:

They talked for a considerable while as people just becoming acquainted do, about inconsequential matters, Nathanael learning who was who, everyone a bit embarrassed at suddenly being thrown together, as well as being part of something far beyond what they could have imagined.

Finally Jesus said, "I think, however, that Nathanael has a task before him that is rather pressing. And I myself have something that needs to be done with Simon Barjona. Fear not, Nathanael, all will be well." He turned and rather hurriedly went off in the direction of Simon's house.

Nathanael stood there, nonplused. "Does anyone know where Thomas is? The one who--who had the accident?"

"I know, Mas--" said Ezra, and stopped, embarrassed. Nathanael did not seem surprised that he knew, for some reason.

"Then you can bring me to him."

"Well, I know more or less where he is. But we will find him."

"Lead on, then," and they left the group.

Philip, who had evidently met the others, said, "Did you know what happened to James's fath--oh, there you are, John. You must have told them."

"I did. And they saw him for themselves, even Andrew and Simon. Simon is off with Zebedee, in fact, trying to persuade him to give up both of his sons to Jesus. I suspect it will be difficult for Zebedee to refuse, after what has happened. I understand that they are trying to see if Malachi--Thomas's father, you know--might join Zebedee to fill up some of what is now lacking."

"So you are going to join us and give up your studies as a rabbi."

"Well, I--I found I was not suited to it."

"Not intelligent enough?"

"Really, Philip!" interjected James.

"Well, I know nothing about John, except that he catches fish. How was I to know whether he was smart enough to be a rabbi?"

James simply shook his head.

"Do you think (hem)" said the other James to anyone who wanted to hear, "that Nathanael will be able to (hem, hem) rescue Thomas, as one supposes he has been sent to do?"

"I would think," answered Andrew, "that if the Master sent him, it is about as certain as that the sun will rise tomorrow."

"It will require a miracle!" exclaimed Philip. " More than what happened with Zebedee! He was all but a falling-down drunk when last I saw him, and he must have gotten worse since! He was a disgusting sight! All covered with filth! He stank, and not simply of fish any longer!"

"I wonder that you did not refuse him the wine." said John.

"What could I do? He would only have found someone else. I remonstrated with him, of course, but he ignored me." The usual excuse, thought John. But then, would he have done anything different if he were the merchant? Wine is a dangerous substance, and if one is going to sell it at all, one cannot be overly solicitous about what one's customers are going to do with it.

The conversation became general, most wanting to avoid considering a clearly unpleasant topic, but unable to keep it entirely out of discussion, because after all they were waiting for Thomas and Nathanael to appear. John dropped off to the side by himself, as was his wont--he always felt uncomfortable in a crowd--and wondered if Thomas would have been cleansed when they saw him, and then thought that if Ezra were with Nathanael, he would be charged with the cleansing. But then, Ezra was a free man now, and perhaps he might refuse. John thought, "If I had been a slave and were just freed, I certainly would refuse, if only to assert that I was now a free man." But who knew? Perhaps Ezra had some kind of affection for Thomas, since John thought that he had sometimes seen Thomas there with Nathanael in the afternoon after work, and of course that meant that Ezra was also there, no doubt taking everything in.

It occurred to him to wonder what it would be like seeing and talking to what to all appearances was Samuel, knowing all the while that he was the one who had killed Samuel. He could almost sympathize with Malachi, who doubtless could not stand what he regarded as the murderer of the one he loved, looking exactly like the one he loved. Would John be able to do so, even though he was but a friend of Samuel, and was somehow complicit in Samuel's death? It was as much his fault as Thomas's, after all; all Thomas did was jump into the lake after Samuel--on his advice--had thrown in the wine. But still, he prepared himself for a shock.

Toward evening, finally they saw Nathanael, Ezra, and an emaciated Thomas walking rather slowly toward them. Thomas looked like a Samuel who had not eaten for weeks. He all but tottered--but evidently out of weakness, not as a drunk, John noted with relief.

"As you see," said Nathanael to them when they drew up, "I have brought Thomas, who wishes--he thinks, just as I suspect we all do--to become one of us and follow the Master."

Philip dashed over. "Then you have seen him! Thank God! The last time you came to the shop, I could hardly recognize you, you were so drunk!"

Nathanael recoiled in horror (like everyone else), as Thomas made a fist and looked as if he might hit him in the face. But then Thomas bit his lips and took a deep breath and said, "When they found me, I was even worse, half dead and seeing things that were not there. But I have been saved--I think--I hope. No, I know." But he added another "I hope" under his breath.

"I never knew it was you, before you came to me yourself, after you k--" at this point, even Philip realized what he was about to say, and caught himself. "After the accident. Before, I thought it was Nathanael."

Nathanael was obviously considering what reply to make, when Thomas took another deep breath, and answered, "Well, that was part of the deception that I was practicing. I find, though, that I was deceiving myself even more than anyone else. Samuel--and my poor father--knew all about me, though I thought I was being so clever."

"You had me completely fooled," blurted Philip

John laughed along with a number of others, an embarrassed laugh. "Not completely," said Thomas, who had evidently decided that the way to deal with Philip was to take him seriously and ignore his gaucherie. "I remember once you told me I looked as if I was drunk."

Philip flinched. "I was merely joking."

"No doubt I did look as if I was drunk, because I was. I did not realize how drunk I was, and was convinced no one would notice, but you made me drink less, as I remember, for a while. But it caught up with me again. It is insidious."

Philip looked thoughtful. "How is it that most people can drink and nothing happens, but others become drunks? You would think they would see what was happening and stop before it became too serious."

"It is not that simple, Philip. I told you it is insidious. At first, I suppose, one can stop, but at that point there is no reason to stop. Everyone else drinks wine, and one thinks that one is not drinking any more than anyone else. But one does not notice that one drinks more and more as time goes on, and still believes that perhaps it is a bit more than others, but not unusual--and one believes that he can stop any time he chooses. But he finds no occasion to choose, even as life becomes more and more difficult. And then when the crisis comes, he cannot stop, and he even fights when--" he could not go on, and doubled over in sobs.

As everyone looked on in horror and pity, Philip ran up to him and placed his hand on his back, while the others stood round in embarrassment, "I am so sorry, Thomas! I know you could not help it! But the Master has saved you from it, has he not? It is over!"

Thomas gradually recovered control of himself. He straightened up and looked Philip in the eye, and said, "Oh, no, Philip, it is not 'over.' I suppose it never will be 'over.'

John thought, "And it never will be 'over' for me either. Thank God it was Thomas talking with Philip, and not I. He would have a bloody nose--or worse--by this time!" And then he thought of the other problem that probably never would be 'over' for him, "And," he said silently to himself, "my reaction to Judas proved it, did it not?--though he is an interesting person in his own right. I must watch myself. I never even noticed why I was acting so friendly."

Thomas was continuing, "But it is past, and the Master has made it possible to begin again--he says."

"Fear not, Thomas," said Philip apologetically. "Trust the Master. He can do anything." John said under his breath, "I do trust you, Master--I think."

"It does seem so," Thomas answered. "At least I no longer see things that are not there." He looked around. "You all are here, are you not?" The others laughed another embarrassed laugh.

"Do not fear that you must not mention what happened," said Nathanael to everyone at large, who began to take this very lesson from what they saw, "Thomas told me that he would like to have you call him 'Didymus,' Greek for 'Twin,' precisely so that the memory of Samuel can be kept alive. And by the way," he added as an afterthought, "you might call me Bartholomew."

Son of Talmai, the rich man up in Cana, thought John. There must have been something between him and his father, he opined, as he saw the nod of comprehension in a few of the group.

Nathanael then went over to Thomas and began to introduce him to those standing about, and saw that Thomas was as surprised as he had been at how many of them he knew of, and perhaps had met at one time or another. Andrew took his hand in a very friendly manner, and said, "I have heard of you and your brother. My own brother Simon is not here at the moment. He is negotiating with Zebedee to combine our fishing businesses into one--and I think with your father, if I am not mistaken--"

Thomas's face flamed, and Andrew realized that he also had stepped into quicksand. Malachi had disowned Thomas, after all. He tried to recover himself by saying quickly, "Since not only Simon and I, but both of Zebedee's sons have decided to follow Jesus. He has but the hired hands at the moment."

James came up behind Andrew and took his hand, "I am James, Bar-Zebedee. We are here because, though my father rather expected John here," he nodded at John beside him, "to leave us and do things religious, he is not quite reconciled to the fact that Jesus seems to have stolen both of us from him." John nodded, and took his hand also.

"What is this 'following' that we are supposed to be doing?" asked Thomas.

"Know you not?"

"I know nothing except that I was a drunk and now I seem not to be. Nathanael told me that he could rescue me; beyond that I know nothing of him--except that he told me that he would like me to 'follow' him, for some reason. And he seems to know things."

James laughed. "It is difficult not to do follow him if he calls you, is it not?" and John added, "He is the Prince; I am convinced of it. We are to be his retinue. That is what it is."

"Now John," said James. "You do not know this."

"Nonsense! I do not know the sun will rise tomorrow--or rather," he said, looking up at the western sky--"that it will be overcast. But facts are still facts. Of course he is the Prince."

"Prince?" asked Thomas.

"Know you not?" said John. "The one the prophesies have written of. The Son of David, who is to be King."

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