Eleven

Andrew then exclaimed, 'I must fetch Simon!" and dashed off, leaving John and Jesus alone together. Jesus looked at John, and laughed at the dumbfounded expression, and then said, "Fear not; you will become accustomed to me. I am truly a man like you. I am the Son of Man."

John was silent. But the thunder and John had said that he was the Son of God. "Touch me," said Jesus. "You will see that I am not a vision; I have flesh and bones like anyone else."

John reached over and felt Jesus's arm; it was indeed a real arm, well-muscled from his work in the carpentry shop. So a carpenter and a few fishermen were going to change the world.

Jesus, as though reading his thoughts said, "You think it cannot be done--and there is a strong possibility that it cannot be done in the way it should be done. But God, as Daniel said, does nothing in vain."

"When did you talk to Daniel?"

"Let us just say that I know what he said, because you know what he said."

"You can read my thoughts?"

"It is of no consequence." It was certainly of consequence to John. Who was this person?

"But--but in that case--" He could not finish the sentence.

"You passed your test well with Daniel. I am pleased."

"My test?"

"God does nothing in vain."

"Then my stay with Annas was a test?"

"Do not misunderstand. God was not testing you; you were testing yourself. Put it this way: an opportunity was presented, and you rejected it. Did you not feel relieved afterward?"

John thought a moment. "I did, I remember. I had been worried that I was not--not normal, and it seemed that I was normal after all. But--"

"It would have been more difficult, would it not, if the man who made the advance was like--say, Andrew?"

John considered this. "I know not what I would have done in that case."

"So you were tested with something not so difficult."

"Well, but Daniel became my friend, you know."

"And what is wrong with that? Andrew is your friend."

"Yes, but Andrew is not--and--well, I--well, I--I then began to wonder whether--"

"And you remembered what Scripture said, did you not? But it does not say that you must hate those who are a temptation to you; only that you must resist the temptation itself. And because Daniel is what he is, that was not so difficult for you. You passed the test. You did very well, in fact; I am proud of you."

John reddened again, and then said, "But--but I almost did not. Because I wondered how Daniel could--could not have a problem, when I--when I saw one."

"Ah. That is why you spent no more than a week there. You do not plan to return, do you?"

"I suppose not. In fact, I am sure I will not--especially with Daniel there."

"So you see the danger--or at least part of it. Daniel is a good man, but the kind of study engaged in in that school encourages finding plausible arguments for things that are the direct opposite of the obvious--as well as finding ten thousand complications in the obvious, making a command that was supposed to be liberating something burdensome in the extreme. Daniel and some others there have convinced themselves that the command in Leviticus refers to, shall I say only certain types of activity that they are interested in, leaving them, they think, free to engage in other acts that do not fit their strict definition. Do you see what I am saying?"

"You mean that the kind of analysis they do leads to interpreting simple commands as if they were very complex ones, such as how many steps one may take on the Sabbath, and at the same time, these complications allow them to see ways to avoid the obvious command."

"Exactly. Such as that an oath taken by the altar is not binding, but it is binding if taken by the gift on the altar, or one can break an oath taken by the Temple with impunity, but not one taken by the gold in the Temple."

"It was just that sort of thing that bothered me."

"And rightly so. My Father was giving guidelines on how to live peaceably and contentedly; he was not creating a swamp where one needed a map to avoid stepping into quicksand. I thought you should see this in practice. But too much exposure to it can be fatal."

He thought John should see this. It sounded as if he had arranged everything. John was having severe difficulty embracing the idea of "my Father" and the idea that what had happened to him was thought out beforehand and planned--and somehow planned by the carpenter he was looking at.

"Then is Daniel doomed?" he asked. "You said he was a good man, and he is so in many ways."

"He is in severe danger, but there is hope for him. Especially now that you are his friend. You see, my Father is looking not only to you but to those you have contact with. He looks to everyone, in fact. Not a sparrow falls to the ground without his knowing it and arranging it."

John had heard something like this before, but it did not have quite the impact of what Jesus was saying. It was overwhelming; John felt as if he were drowning in the idea. "Then I, too, have been 'arranged,' as you say."

"Well, you are not a puppet manipulated by the Father--and certainly not by me. The Father gave you certain traits: the obvious ones that we trace to your blood, such as your curly hair, the shape of your nose, and so on, which give signs as to who your parents are; and there are also spiritual traits you were given: you and James, for instance have spirits of thunder, do you not?"

"We do tend to become angry easily. You have seen that for yourself."

"I have indeed. Though you are learning to control them; otherwise Daniel would have had a bloody nose, I suspect."

"He himself was afraid of that," John laughed.

"And you have a very inquisitive mind; you do not simply accept what is told you and move on. Remember when you were learning the letters, and you wondered why there were many letters that said the same thing."

"I remember." But how did he know of this?

"But the point is that you are free. What you do with the traits given you is your own choice. My Father does not make you chose this or that."

"He does not?"

"Well, it is more complex than that. But the point I am trying to make is that it is you who determine your life by your choices, and these are not forced upon you. Your impulses are given you beforehand, so to speak, such as your tendency to anger; but though these may influence you, your choice is what you make it, and need not follow these influences. Thus it was with Daniel, even when you found him, let us say, not unattractive."

"But why was I given this particular--what you called 'influence'? I certainly do not want it, and you seem to agree that what it leads to is sin, do you not?"

"I do."

"Then why do I have it? And why can I not rid myself of it?"

"Ah, here you have touched on one of the great mysteries of life. You know that some men are born blind, through no fault of their own--or no fault of their parents either--and they must struggle through life without being able to see. Some are born crippled; others become crippled because of some accident that was no fault of anyone's. So there is nothing to blame yourself for if you have this tendency. The problem is that with tendencies such as this, it can be fatal to act upon them. For instance, some, like Thomas, have, or acquire, a desire to become drunk, and must struggle to prevent themselves from destroying themselves. Each person has aspects of himself that he perhaps wishes he did not have, but which in the end he simply must accept, and learn to live with. Because if there are to be many human beings, each one must be limited in his humanity in a way different from anyone else. And so some necessarily will be much more limited than most. And some limitations create serious problems if one acts upon them."

"It does not seem fair."

"It is not fair, if by 'fair' one means 'equal.' No two human beings are 'equal' in that sense, or they would be the same person. Not even Thomas and Samuel were 'equal,' though they were the same in many ways."

"Is there any hope for Thomas? Your mother seemed to think there was."

"Oh, yes. When we return to Galilee, this will be seen to, I think. But it is very complex, and involves several people and their choices. Thomas is in great danger, but it is possible--and I think likely--that the right people will make the right choice, and that he will be saved. If he is, he will join us--if he chooses to; and I think he will. It does not mean that he will be free of struggle; he will have severe, and I think sometimes overpowering struggles; but all will be well, finally, and he will be a great man because of his struggles. As will you. A very great man, or I miss my guess. And I miss very few guesses. Daniel was very perceptive."

"You speak as if you do not know, and yet you know."

"That is another of life's great mysteries. Events depend on men's free choices; but my Father is very--you might say 'clever,' and can arrange things even though people do not make the choices one might expect them to make. He controls the universe, including our lives and everything about our lives; and yet we control our lives also, without interference from him--even though under a control he exercises without exercising, so to speak. It is, as I say, a mystery."

"Every word you utter is a mystery."

He laughed. "Well, we are speaking of the essential mysteries of human life and freedom. Philosophers have racked their brains over these matters for thousands of years, and will do so for thousands of years to come. Small wonder if what I say now sounds enigmatic. But I say it because you need to hear it, and because, though you cannot understand it--I am aware of that--you can begin to accept it. Trust me."

"But is there some special reason why I--why--I mean, with Andrew and Daniel, even--"

"Actually, there is. This tendency you have, in your case, is the negative side of a tremendous potential you possess, John; and to develop the positive side, you need it and the struggles against it. Your life will be in many ways quite difficult, but you will see in the end how it is all worth while, and how it all makes sense. You will not regret it.

"Of course, it is always possible for you to throw everything away, and become like what Daniel may become unless he is rescued. And there will be others you will meet, and some--but well, let us leave that. For I--and my mother--will be here, helping you. Fear not. All will be well, even those things that seem anything but well. You wondered two nights ago whether anything would ever be well again. You will see."

Again, how did he know?

"Then somehow what I did to Samuel, and--and Thomas?"

"You wish, I know, to be forgiven for what you did to Samuel and Thomas, and you suspect that John's bath did not accomplish this."

John nodded, hope rising within him.

"The sin, what there was of it, is gone. The acts remain, however, and we must, as I said, do something about the consequences of what you and others have done. But all will be well even there. You will not fully see this until the worst day of your whole life." he looked over the landscape with infinite sorrow, and a certain--what was it? Fear? "But even the tears and agony of that day will be erased, if it happens thus. All will be well, because my Father loves you--all of you, even the worst of you--and he does nothing in vain; and he does not allow your evil to overcome his love."

John did not know what to say.

Jesus laughed, and then said, "Fear not. The lamb redeems his sheep. You will see. And you will be the great John. You and the other John will be two of the greatest in the new Kingdom. Trust me."

"You realize how hard all this is. I must trust in a carpenter that he is--is divine, somehow,--and yet I know that there is but one God, and He is a spirit, not a man."

"I know. I am speaking to you now much more frankly than I will speak to anyone else for a very long time, because you have a mind which can, if not absorb, accept it. I will tell you now what I will tell others only years from now. The Father and I are one and the same thing. One spiritual thing. Yet I--the same I--am truly the Son of Man. Trust me."

John's mind was reeling. Finally, he said, "It seems I must. What else can I do?"

"Oh, you could reject me; you could say that what John said is a delusion based on some kind of hold I have on him, and the thunder was either a coincidence or a mass delusion also, based on expectations raised by him. He is a forceful speaker, is he not?"

"He is that."

"He has glimpsed the light. In fact, he saw it before anyone else--except my mother. He has an idea of what the light is that has entered this world in shadow, but he does not fully understand it. And he will not do so, while he is living on this earth. He has a mission: to prepare people for me; and when that mission is accomplished, he will leave. Like Moses, he is leading others into the Promised Land--the land that was promised to Adam, as it happens--but he will not cross over himself."

John did not understand even this. It sounded as if John was going to be killed fairly soon--or perhaps would sicken and die.

"And your mother? Your mother knows everything about you?"

"Oh, yes. From the beginning. From just before the beginning, in fact. And you are quite right that she is different. She is as different from the rest of you--and even from me, in that sense--as Eve was before and after she ate the fruit. She is the one human person who is as human beings were originally meant to be. Of course, not even she understands fully; but she accepts perfectly. It will cause her immense pain, and you will be a help to her there, just as she will help you--but all will be well even there.

"But we will have to talk further later. I think I hear Andrew returning."

"I have enough just in these few moments to occupy myself for months!" exclaimed John.

Jesus laughed again. "If you stay with me, you will have enough to occupy yourself for five lifetimes! But fear not."

At this point, the two men came in sight, and Jesus looked at Simon, stroked his beard, and said, "You are Simon, son of John. You will be called Kepha."

All three looked at him, astonished. "You will be called 'Rock'?" What could that possibly mean?

"I seem to be making everyone speechless today," said Jesus. "It is that I am so happy to have at last started on the path that is laid out for me, and found those who will wish to travel it in my company. You do wish to join me, do you not?"

All said, "Yes, Rabbi," and Simon added, "Of course!"

"It is well," said Jesus. "You have concluded your negotiations here?" he asked Simon.

"Yes, finally!" he exclaimed. "That is, unless they find some further complication. How they can make something so simple into a--a twisted net of words!"

Jesus laughed. "Then perhaps it would be a good idea to escape before they can think of something else. The irony is that if you choose to follow me, all of this is, as they would say, moot."

They looked at each other.

"And I must tell you," Jesus went on, not expecting a reply, "that I myself have something that I must do for the next forty days, after which I can join you in Galilee. And John, you yourself must take a month to decide what kind of life you wish to live--and the two of you would be wise to do the same. If you follow me, your lives will be very, very different."

"I am certain, Master, that we will follow you, whatever comes," said Simon.

"You have no idea what you are saying, Simon. You will follow me, but it will be nothing like what you think."

"It matters not. I am ready for anything."

"You will remember what you just said on the day you find that you are ready for nothing. But even that will be well. But all of you need a good night's sleep in preparation for your journey, and I myself must prepare myself. Peace."

"Peace," they answered, and he turned and left.

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