Thirty

Thomas noticed that Jesus had taken Matthew and Mary and gone off with them somewhere. The rest of the group went to the Gethsemani garden on the Mount of Olives, because it was evening; and, interestingly, Matthew returned alone. Thomas wondered what had happened to Mary, but he could not ask Matthew, since David had come up to him and was in earnest conversation, evidently private.

Thomas suspected that it might be about Judas, and sure enough, Ezra took him aside, and said, "Young David and I, you know, have been keeping watch on Judas, and David discovered that he has a house here in Jerusalem--and such a house! Matthew's mansion did not compare with it!"

"Hm," answered Thomas. "But of course, he could have owned it before he became one of us."

"True, but in that case, he is a little remiss in 'selling what he has and giving to the poor and then following Jesus', would you not think? Besides, David says that he saw him take a donation from a woman and bring it to the house, and then leave without it."

"Well, but again, that does not prove that he kept it for himself. He might have a safe place there where he stores our money."

"Granted. It satisfies me, but it might not stand up in a court of law. But we will continue to keep watch. But Judas has been approaching certain people, now that Jesus as much as said that he is a devil, and these people are not kindly disposed toward us."

"Well, the Master knows what he is doing."

"We keep saying. But does he know everything that everyone else is doing?"

"Come now, Ezra. You have been with him all this time and you doubt it?"

"No, not really, I suppose. But I do not understand it. Of course, in that case, he knows what we are doing, and so far has not put a stop to it. So I will continue." And he left, disappearing into the darkness of the night in the olive grove. He certainly was impossible to see at night.

Thomas could not fathom why Jesus would not repudiate Judas, since he had to know who he was if he knew there was a "devil" among the Twelve. Who else could it be? And if he did not repudiate Judas, then according to his own prediction, he faced crucifixion! Thomas had caught a glimpse of one and quickly turned away his sickened eyes. It must not be. How could Jesus allow himself to undergo such torment and disgrace? How could he make a disgusting spectacle of himself hanging naked before everyone, fouling himself with his own excrement? How could this accomplish anything?

And Judas might bring it about! He had never liked Judas, but if he was going to conspire against Jesus, he must be stopped! His life was worth less than a cockroach, if he would do such a thing! How could Jesus not see this? How could he tolerate him in the midst of all his students? Judas would destroy Jesus, and if it was a question of which one would be destroyed, Judas must be eliminated; he was not worthy of life!

He did not sleep much that night, thinking that Judas was placidly lying there among them; and during the day his mind was full of loathing and hatred for the man, and fear for what would become of them if he succeeded in betraying Jesus. He did not know what to do, but began to think that if no one else would do anything, he would have to take matters into his own hands. True, he had no proof, but matters were too dire not to act.

And they were trying to trap Jesus, he could see. As they were there in the Temple, a Pharisee oiled his way up to him and said, "Rabbi, we know that you are truthful, and that you pay no attention to what others think, because you care nothing for public opinion, but teach honestly the path to God. So--is it permitted to pay taxes to Caesar, or not? Which is it?"

The crowd was all anticipation of how Jesus would escape from the horns of this dilemma. If he said, "Yes," he as much as admitted that Rome's occupation was legitimate; but if he said No, he would be able to be charged with treason. And there was Judas, with a small, complacent smile on his face, either because he foresaw some way Jesus could solve the problem, or because he knew that the great confrontation was about to occur. Thomas wanted to go up to him and shake him until that smile became a plea for mercy.

Jesus answered, "Show me the coin you use to pay taxes."

The one who had asked the question, fumbled in the folds of his robe and brought out what must have been a denarius. "Whose image is this," asked Jesus, "and whose inscription is on it?"

"Caesar's" was the answer. And there was Mary, with Lazarus, of all people! Could it be that the long-lost sister of Lazarus and Martha was Mary of Magdala?

"Then give back to Caesar what is Caesar's, and return to God what is God's," he said. There was laughter and cries of "Brilliant!" "Excellent!"

Jesus sat down on the steps leading up to the courtyard of the Judeans, as his questioner withdrew in chagrin. He seemed to be preparing to preach again.

But at that moment, some others dragged a woman forward, her hair askew and robes rumpled, struggling to free herself from their grasp. They stood her in front of Jesus.

"Rabbi, this woman has been arrested in the very act of adultery; and Moses in the Law has commanded us to stone her sort. What do you have to say about it?"

The crowd fell silent once again; this trap was not one he could extricate himself from by clever wordplay. If he dismissed her, he was violating the Law; but how could a man who claimed to be able to forgive sins stone a sinner? Thomas looked over at Mary and saw the consternation on her face. It could have been she standing there.

Jesus seemed to be nonplused by the difficulty also, though he kept a calm face. He sat there on the step, tracing his finger in the dust beside him, then erasing the patterns he made. "Should she be stoned or not, according to your view of God's Law?" said the accuser. Then he added with a sneer, "Do you find the answer there in the dust?"

At this, Jesus straightened up and looked him directly in the eyes. "Have some sinless one among you," he said, "be the first to throw a stone." And again he bent over and resumed writing in the dust.

But now he seemed to be writing something legible, and as he glanced up, ostensibly to see if anyone had picked up a stone, he looked at his questioner and gave the slightest nod toward what he had written--at which the man's face flamed, and he turned away. Jesus erased what was there, wrote something else, and looked up again. By this time, several people had already left, and the one whose eyes he now met did not bother to glance down at the writing, but quietly pretended that he had not even seen Jesus, and moved away also.

It did not require many glances up from what he had been doing for the crowd to become remarkably sparse; and then Jesus wrote in the ground and looked straight at Thomas.

"I?" he breathed, shock running through him and fixing him to the spot. His hand instinctively went to the bladder at his side.

What had he been doing? Despising Judas for cheating the group of their money, when he still had his "insurance" just in case Jesus was not what he claimed to be. The drunk who had killed his brother! Oh, yes, he in his virtue, his sinlessness, could throw the first stone! And even after his sins had been forgiven, he cherished the reminder of them, the opportunity to resume them, whenever he felt in trouble, feeling warm that the means were there in case he needed them. Oh, yes, he was virtuous enough of a certainty to throw the first stone!

He was completely devastated. He could barely breathe. He was not fit to live, let alone to throw stones! And Jesus knew, did he not? Of course he knew! He knew everything!

Oh, yes, he knew. He had said once to someone, "If a bird wishes to fly, and the merest thread ties it to the ground, it cannot fly until it breaks the thread." He knew. And Thomas had never broken the thread of that bladder--he could not, to this day--to this moment, even as he "repented." Oh, Jesus was aware of the effect of what he said on everyone. And what of having Ezra and David spy on Judas? What kind of trust was that? Did he not know that Jesus knew what he was doing? What right had he, in his self-righteousness, to try to indict another? He thought, "I will throw that cursed bladder away!" and immediately knew that he would not. He could not. He was doomed; the thread would never be broken!

Finally, after he knew not how long, he actually reached a decision. He would throw himself off the pinnacle of the Temple into the Gehenna where he deserved to die! He turned toward it, when he heard Jesus's voice, "You will die in your sins!" He stood, rooted to the spot. Was this directed at him? Did he know his thoughts? Of course he did!

"If you do not believe that I AM," Jesus continued,"you will die in your sins!" Thomas broke into uncontrollable shaking. He had nearly killed himself--in his sins, and added the sin of suicide to all the rest! He did not deserve to live, and Jesus was telling him that he had no right to die!

He then could almost hear the conversation he would have had if he had denounced Judas to Jesus. Jesus would have answered, "I did not come into this world, Thomas, to repudiate and condemn; I came to rescue. I rescued you when you had nothing to commend yourself but the desire to be rescued. And I will rescue Judas, if it is at all possible. No matter what he does, if he repents, I will rescue him. Even if it is at the very last instant, even in the midst of a final sin, as he is about to take his last breath, if he asks me, 'Please forgive me,' I will save him, as I will save anyone who asks. Anyone. You also. Anyone. And if it means that I must die because the people reject me, and die horribly, so be it. That is why I came. To restore the world if possible, but to save it certainly."

Thomas knew he had no right to die. He must go on. But what had Jesus been saying just now? Had he not said, "If you do not believe that I AM, you will die in your sins"? He had all but called himself "I AM," the divine name.

"If you keep what I say," Jesus was continuing, "then you will be real students of mine. You will recognize what the truth is, and the truth will set you free." Thomas joined the group of listeners. It was forgiveness again, was it not? It was his task to "keep what he said," not to despair because of the past. But could he?

"--children of Abraham," said someone in the crowd. "We have never been slaves. How can you tell us we will be set free?"

"Amen amen I tell you," said Jesus, "anyone who commits a sin is a slave." How true that was! "--does not stay in the family forever. The Son stays in it forever. And if the Son frees you, you really will be free." It was forgiveness again!

He had brought him back to tell him this. True, he was speaking to all of them; but he spoke to each as well as to all. Perhaps others needed just those words also, for other reasons; but he knew that they were for him. And he had believed; he had believed that he had forgiven him, but he had begun relying on himself, and all it had led to was being overwhelmed by his own evil, and not only that, but into the sin of trying to destroy himself. And he was telling him that he would really be free, that all was not lost, if he renewed his faith in him, and lost his trust in himself.

"--Abraham did not do this sort of thing. No, you are doing what your real father wishes!"

"We are not bastards!" shouted the crowd. "We have the one God for our father!"

"If God were your father, you would love me," said Jesus, "because I came from God. And I did not come of myself; he sent me. Then why can you not understand what I say? Because you cannot hear my words!" Had he ever really heard them? To some extent. But he still doubted. He doubted even now.

"--when he tells lies, he does what is natural to himself, because he is a liar and the father of liars. And when I tell you what the truth is, you do not believe it!"

The people were making outraged cries that he was the one who had a devil. Jesus looked out over them with anger and said, "Can any one of you name one sin that I have committed? Then if I tell you what the truth is, why do you not believe it? Anyone who belongs to God can hear what God says; and so you cannot hear, because you do not belong to God!" Could Judas hear? He must be closing his ears. But how easy that was! He himself barely could hear. How did one learn to hear?

"--men I tell you," said Jesus, "Anyone who keeps what I say will never see death!" What was that?

"Now we know you are out of your mind!" shouted someone in the crowd. "Abraham died, and so did the prophets! And you say"--he repeated Jesus's words with bitter sarcasm--"that if anyone 'keeps what you say' he will not taste death forever! Are you greater than our ancestor Abraham? Who died! Or the prophets? Who died! Just who are you making yourself out to be?" The crowd roared assent.

Jesus looked out at them and let them calm down somewhat. Then he raised his hand for silence, and said calmly, "If I were to tell you how great I am, my greatness would be nothing. But there is my Father," he pointed to the sanctuary of the Temple, "who is showing how great I am. He is the one you call your God--but you do not recognize him. But I know him. If I said I did not know him, I would be a liar like you. I do know him, because I came from him, and he sent me!"

Still clearer, Thomas thought: "I came from God, who sent me!"

Then Jesus looked over them once again, and said, "And your ancestor Abraham was glad to see that my day was coming; and when he saw it come, it filled him with joy!"

"You are not even fifty years old," shouted the man who had spoken earlier, and you have 'seen Abraham!'" Everyone laughed, and Jesus, stung, broke into their cacophony with the angry retort, "Amen amen I tell you, before Abraham came into existence, I AM!"

One could hear the intake of breath as the whole crowd reacted in stunned horror. Jesus stood there in front of them for a silent moment, and then cries of "Blasphemy!" "He has blasphemed on the very steps of the Temple!" as people scurried about to find stones to throw at him.

--To throw at no one. He was no longer there.

Thomas saw Matthew looking around for Mary, who was leaving with Lazarus and Martha and an older man. When he saw them, he gazed after her wistfully, and then sighed--and was greeted by that soldier who had been guarding him in Galilee, and who now had the uniform of a centurion. The two went off together.

Good heavens! It could not be Matthew who was the "devil," could it? But he did not seem to go willingly. Perhaps Pontius Pilate was the "friend" the soldier had mentioned, and Matthew had had some connection with him. Perhaps he was going to use his influence to keep the Romans out of any dispute that Jesus would have with the Judeans. Thomas fervently prayed, if this were the case, that he would succeed; only the Romans could crucify a person.

Thomas went back with the others, since Jesus did not reappear among them, and Ezra came up and said, "Before Abraham was, I AM. Difficult to interpret that in anything but one way, think you not?"

"Ezra, I am in such a muddle, I know not what to think!"

"You are not alone. Things are beginning to move very fast. And Mary of Magdala turns out to be Mary of Bethany!"

"I saw them together. Do they know?"

"I suspect not--as yet, anyway. Lazarus would never be seen with her if he knew."

"But she cannot hope to hide it from them!"

"I imagine she is postponing the horrible moment. I would. But it will be known. Certainly if Lazarus speaks to Chuza's Joanna--and he certainly will do so, if I know anything about her."

"How horrible! To learn something like that, and in that way!"

"Well, this has to be the Master's doing; and he knows what he is doing, does he not?"

Thomas sighed. "He does. But no one else does."

"How true that is!"