Twenty-Eight

Thomas saw little of Matthew in the days immediately following. When they were not on a mission together, and busy preaching, Matthew was involved in classifying the copious notes he had been taking about what Jesus was saying.

Once he saw him in earnest conversation with Judas, and would have joined them, but--he could not help it, but Judas's being "too perfect" annoyed him. He suspected Ezra and had poisoned his mind, and the accident with the wine canteen began to have quotation marks around it, as it seemed to have in Ezra's mind. But there was something about Judas that seemed not quite . . .

A day later, he asked Ezra, who said, "You remember, I originally had my misgivings about Judas myself, for no really definable reason--except that he has never condescended to notice that I exist." Thomas could feel the resentment he was trying to suppress. "So I undertook to keep an eye on him, and just yesterday, I noticed him in the woods, and he came up the path right behind Mary--whom he seemed, up to this point, to detest--and brushed against her as if accidentally, going on as if he were unaware of it. She reacted in shock, and almost went after him to ask him what he meant--she is strongly attracted to him, and doubtless would be overjoyed if it was deliberate--but mastered herself and went away. And poor Matthew saw it, but said nothing to her. What could he say?"

"Do you think it was deliberate?"

"I think that that man does nothing indeliberate. And as it happens, I have a kind of proof. Within the time it takes to recite 'Hear O Israel,' he did exactly the same thing to young John!"

"John?" It was Thomas's turn to be shocked. Mary, the former--and conceivably present, if approached skillfully--prostitute was one thing, but John! "What did he do?"

"He spun around and made a fist, but Judas had again walked by as if so concentrated in thought that he did not realize he had touched him, and it was a narrow path, and, for once, John's temper did not get the better of him. But twice in the same day? No one can be that distracted."

Thomas did not quite know what to say. This lent a possible new meaning to Judas's "mistaking" the wine-canteen for the water. What was the man trying to do? And Ezra had made some remark about it, had he not? Thomas and Ezra mused in silence for a while.

But Thomas decided that anything they had against Judas was so nebulous that it would be folly to report it, and so he merely told Ezra to keep watch, because something serious might be going on.

Two days later, Ezra came back and said, "As to what we were discussing a while ago, I have another, rather intriguing, proof. It seems that Judas tried something a bit more explicit with David as well--he told me about it--and received a farm-boy's punch that knocked the wind completely out of him. It may have taught him a lesson. He was lucky, I think. If John had actually believed that he meant something, he would not have been able to walk for weeks. John is a very strong young man."

"I wonder that he dared."

"Oh, he seems to dare much. You remember I said that he probably did not take too kindly to Jesus's not following his suggestions. And he has this theory, you know, that Jesus is full of some kind of spiritual 'force' that he calls 'the Father,' and as Jesus comes closer and closer to calling himself God, he thinks he is becoming more and more deluded into misinterpreting his power."

"It seems to me that it is a little hard to 'misinterpret' a power that allows one to cure at a distance and to raise the dead, as we have seen with our own eyes."

"But it does not fit Judas's rational scheme. I also suspect strongly that his misgivings have affected his duties as treasurer in a group that cares nothing at all for money. He can get away with anything in that regard. Who watches him? Well, Ezra, for one, has been noticing a few things, and now I will have David for an ally, so we can take turns. Matthew has even asked David to watch him, and so Matthew also suspects things. Of course, he would if he saw what happened with Mary, feeling as he does about her."

"I imagine that his mistake will make him more careful now, though," said Thomas.

"You are doubtless right; the watching will have to be very discreet if we are going to discover anything. He is not unintelligent."

"If there is something to discover."

"There is, there is; I am convinced of it."

"Well, do not be so convinced that you begin to see what is not there."

"Fear not. When I have proof, it will be proof."

Shortly afterward, Jesus and the other eleven emissaries had gone into a lonely spot, after crossing the "sea" of Galilee in a boat, because Jesus had been so--one might say "pestered"--by the crowds that he decided that they should have a little time by themselves; they would return on the morrow. But it turned out that a positively enormous throng of people had divined where they were going, and had walked around the lake from Capernaum and all the surrounding area and caught sight of them; and Jesus, unwilling to simply send them away, had gone up a hill (it was not very far from the mountain where he had delivered his initial sermon), and he spoke to them at great length, sitting there, with the people ranged below him down toward the lake.

Finally, he said to the Twelve, who were gathered round him, "It is late, and the place is deserted." He turned to Philip, who happened to be beside him. "Where will we buy enough bread to feed all these people?" He had a twinkle in his eye as he said this.

"Half a year's salary," Philip answered, "would not buy enough bread so that everyone could have even a little!" He gazed out at the crowd in dismay. Jesus wore a little smile. He looked around as if for suggestions.

Andrew said, "There is a boy here with five barley loaves and a couple of fish. But" he added as he cast a glance out at the crowd, "what good would that do with all of them?" He waved his arm indicating the multitude.

"Have the people lie down to eat," said Jesus. The place was quite grassy, and so they milled about and reclined on it, spreading themselves on the field halfway down the hill.

Jesus then took the loaves of bread from the boy, raised his eyes to the sky and thanked his Father for supplying them with food. And then he tore the loaves apart and handed the pieces to the Emissaries to distribute; and did the same with the two cooked fishes. And each of the Emissaries managed to get a piece either of bread or fish or both. Thomas was surprised to find how large his piece was, considering it was a mere fragment of one of the small loaves.

And then when he tore apart this piece of bread and gave one piece of it to one person, he found he had enough to give a piece to someone else; and when he did this, he still had enough to continue doing so. It was incredible. He could not see the little part of a loaf in his hand grow; it was just that there was always enough, somehow. It fascinated him, and he tried to follow it as he was distributing the bread, but somehow he never could see what happened.

Mary, who had been wandering by herself, emerged from the path into the field, in front of Simon the Revolutionary, who came up and said, "Have you received any as yet?" and when she answered No, he took a piece of barley bread he had, broke some off, and handed it to her.

"Is that enough?" he asked. "Take another." And he tore off another rather larger chunk of bread from the piece he had and gave it to her. "Have some fish also," he said, and took a piece of cooked fish he was carrying with the bread, broke it in two, and gave her half. "Is it not amazing?" he said, half to her and half to some people seated nearby.

"Is what amazing?" asked Mary.

"Look!" he said. "I gave you two large pieces of bread, and half of my fish, and see what I have left! What I started with! I have been trying to see when it grew back, and I cannot! It is just there when I want more! Is it not astonishing?"

Mary was about to make some remark, but Simon passed along to the group, asking everyone he met whether they wanted more, and saying, "You see? Your King is feeding you! With five loaves of bread and two little fish! And there are thousands of you! I have been counting. You must be five thousand men or more, not even counting the women and children! And all of you are being fed on these five loaves by your King! Or is Caesar your King? Or who is?"

And as he passed from group to group in the throng, the word "King" began to swell from the crowd like a chorus, and when finally the students came around with baskets to collect the leftovers and eventually filled twelve with what people no longer wanted, the cry of "King!" became a roar, as the people stood up, evidently to go up to Jesus and lift him on their shoulders and take him--to Jerusalem, to anywhere, they knew not; they were simply inflamed with enthusiasm.

But quickly the swell of hosannas turned into a confused, "Where is he?" and Simon began running among them, from one student to the next, asking who had seen Jesus last. The most that could be gleaned was that he had been there, but had slipped away while everyone was distracted with collecting the marvelous harvest from the five loaves. "But he cannot have gone!" screamed Simon in anguish. "It is the perfect moment! Where is he?"

Nathanael put a long hand on his shoulder and turned him around. "Obviously," he said, "he does not want to be King."

"What do you mean, 'does not want to be'? He is our King."

"Then where is he?"

"That is what I want to know!" he shouted, and broke free. He ran off into the woods at the top of the hill, where Jesus must have gone; and after a short while came back, protesting and sputtering for people to help him look for the Master. But the others said that the Master knew what he was doing, and that if he wanted to be made King, he would appear and allow himself to be proclaimed King; but if he did not, everyone here could search the whole hill, and he would be nowhere to be found.

Simon would not calm down for a considerable time, well after the crowd had thinned out a great deal, and night had begun to fall; and even then, all he did was hang sulking about the periphery of the little band of students.

They, on the other hand, were ebullient. "Did you see Philip's face," laughed John's brother James, "when the Master asked him how we were to buy bread to feed all these people?"

"Well how was I to know what he planned to do?" said Philip, evoking a roar of laughter in everyone, who continued teasing him unmercifully in their joy, while some related anecdotes about the people in the crowd, how everyone tried to find out how the bread multiplied itself--and no one, not even the students, could fathom it; there simply always was more. Like everything Jesus did, it was perfectly simple, and perfectly impossible to understand.

But night was falling apace, and Jesus was still somewhere on the hill--or nowhere, or perhaps already in Capernaum. "What shall we do?" they asked each other. "He told us we were to be in Capernaum tomorrow. Shall we wait, or get into the boat now?"

"There is only the one boat," said Simon Rock, "and"--looking at Mary--"there are more of us now than when we came over. Will we all fit in?"

"Do not concern yourself," said Thomas. "It is a fine night, though it looks as if there might be a wind later. You go ahead in the boat if you think you want to risk it, in case he has somehow gone ahead of us. I will walk, and see you there probably around noon." He asked if anyone wanted to accompany him, and Simon the Revolutionary, who was not very interested in chitchat, volunteered, as did Mary and a few others, including women who were driving donkeys with bundles of the group's nomadic provisions.

It was not a very cheerful band they made, with Thomas, who naturally tended toward cynicism, and Simon, whose hopes were shattered, not making above three or four remarks the whole night of the walk. Thomas was pondering the implications of the day. Clearly, Jesus did not want to be named King as yet, and probably because it was not yet clear that if he were King, then God was King. It was far, far too early for that connection to be made, despite all the miracles. He had somehow to make the claim more explicit, to shock the people into realizing that the unthinkable was the simple truth, and then to accept it. The incomprehensible convincing the unthinkable to the unintelligent. Could even God accomplish this?

Mary, beset, it seemed, from all sides, was not inclined to do anything but chew the cud of her own various problems, even if one of the men had deigned to notice her.

Around midnight, the squall that Thomas had predicted arose; the wind suddenly picked up, followed by flashes of lightning and a drenching rain, which left them all cold and miserable. Thomas looked up at the sky, and over at the churning lake, and said, "I hope they are all all right out there." Nothing could be seen through the rain.

"I suppose the Master knows of it," said Simon, "and if he does, he will take care of them. You remember how he scolded us that night we woke him when a storm came up." Thomas looked back out at the angry water, and shook his head.

After about an hour, the wind and the rain dropped as suddenly as they had begun, and the students decided to stop and dry off and rest. There was plenty of time to have a short sleep and to arrive in Capernaum around noon. The women opened their bundles and removed some dry clothing, and they found a cave with a dry floor, where they built a small fire and slept until the sun came through the entrance, about an hour after dawn.

At noon the next day, as they entered Capernaum, with Thomas at Mary's side, they found Jesus already in the synagogue, preaching. He was saying, "--you, Moses did not give you bread from heaven. But my Father will give you bread that really does come from heaven. God's bread is the one who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world."

"Then give us this bread, Master, all the time," said someone in the congregation.

"I am the bread that gives life," said Jesus. "A person who comes to me will never be hungry, and anyone who believes in me will never feel thirst. I told you: you saw the evidence just now, and you still do not believe it. But everyone the Father has given me comes to me, and I will not turn my back on anyone who comes to me, because I came to do my Father's will, not what I please.

"And this is my Father's will: for me not to lose anything he has given me, and for me to bring it to life on the last day. It is the will of my Father that anyone who sees the Son and believes in him will have eternal life; and I will bring him to life on the last day."

So what he was offering was not simply rescue from this sordid world of pain and suffering, and even more, rescue from the shambles one made of one's life by his sins, but everlasting life--presumably, an everlasting life of peace and joy. Well, if he were God, he could do it; and Thomas supposed it was connected with the restoration of the state before Adam sinned. Death came from that sin, did it not?

But there were grumblings from the congregation which had packed the little synagogue; in the main, complaints that he was claiming to be bread that came down from heaven--evidently, from what they said, some of them were those who had eaten the magic bread on the other side of the lake; they must have found boats and followed him here. "Is this not the Jesus that is Joseph's son?" asked a man beside Mary to his companion on the other side. "We know his father and mother. How can he claim that he 'came down from heaven'?"

"What are you complaining about?" said Jesus. "No one can come to me unless he is drawn by the Father who sent me--and then I will bring him to life on the last day. There is a prophesy, 'They will all be instructed by God.' Everyone who has listened to the Father and learned from--"

"Do you know what happened last night?" said Matthew, suddenly at Mary's side. He had apparently been looking for her. "He came to us during the storm, walking on top of the water! And he got Simon Rock to do it also, but Simon became--"

"Be still! We cannot hear!" hissed several people.

Jesus was saying "--except the one who is at God's side. He has seen the Father."

There it was. It was becoming clearer and clearer. He was implying that he was with God before he was born, and was still with God somehow. Thomas felt his heart beat with fear that the people would turn against him.

"--has eternal life." he was saying. "I am bread for life. Your ancestors ate manna in the desert and died; but this is bread that comes down from heaven for people to eat and not die. I am living bread that comes down from heaven, and if anyone eats this bread, he will live forever." He paused, seemed to be inspired by an idea, stroking his beard in his characteristic way, and then continued, "And the bread I am to give you is the meat of my body, for the life of the world."

Thomas gasped, as did the whole congregation in unison.. "How can this man give us the meat of his body to eat?" said the people to each other. Thomas saw Mary cover her eyes with her hands.

Jesus evidently heard them, but instead of explaining himself, he went on, "Amen amen I tell you that if you do not eat the meat which is the Son of Man's body--and drink his blood!--" The congregation gasped once again, "--you will not have life in you!" Jesus seemed more intense than Thomas had ever seen him. He meant something by this, something vitally important, but Thomas could not imagine what. And Jesus almost sounded as if he knew that people would not understand him, and that most would not accept what he said, and if they did not, he was sealing his doom, but he could not help himself and must make sure that everyone understood. This was something vital to the Reign of God, and it had to be brought out at some time; and apparently the context of the miraculous multiplication of the loaves was the occasion for introducing it.

God grant that they would understand it later! And that Judas was not correct in thinking that Jesus was deluded by his power!

"--out of the grave on the last day, because the meat which is my body is real food, and my blood is real drink. Anyone who eats the meat of my body and drinks my blood lives in me and I in him. Just as my living Father sent me and I live through the Father, anyone who eats me will live through me. This is the bread that comes down from heaven. Not what your ancestors ate. They died. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever!"

There was consternation. Mary and Matthew again looked at each other. Matthew took her hand and held it as both contemplated Jesus in horror. People were saying, "That is disgusting! How can anyone listen to it?"

Jesus looked around at all of them, as they murmured to one another in their outrage. "You find that difficult to accept, do you not? What if you were to see the Son of Man rise up to where he was before?"

To where he was before. There it was again. I am God, I existed On High somewhere before I came down here. What I say makes sense, and you must accept it. Accept it, and then you will understand it. If, thought Thomas, it was at all possible to accept it! Drink his blood!

"--spirit and life, and there are some of you who do not believe it!"

Some of them? There was not one of them who believed it. How could anyone? What was he to do? Break off his arm and give it to them to cook? It was not merely disgusting, it was totally unthinkable. Thomas looked over at Matthew, who was shaking his head in sorrow.

"--why I said that no one can come to me unless he is given the power to do it by my Father."

But Jesus was now talking to the backs of the congregation, who were streaming out the doors saying that he might be able to cure the sick, but he was mad, and anyone who listened to him was as mad as he.

Finally, there were left merely the Twelve and one or two others. Jesus looked at them, as they gazed expectantly at him, hoping--praying--for an explanation, such as those he would give them privately about his stories. But Jesus said, with infinite sorrow, "Do you wish to go away too?"

There was a dead silence, and a few shuffled their feet. Judas was among them; he had had his eyes fixed on the mosaic at his feet from the first moment.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity, Simon Rock spoke up, with tears in his voice. "Master, to whom would we go? We know that what you say is eternal life, and--and we have believed that you are the Holy One of God. We--we know this."

Jesus smiled poignantly at the masterful effort. "Did I not choose you twelve?" he said. Then his eyes lifted themselves to the mountains on the other side of the lake and beyond them to the infinity he thought he had come from, and he added, "And one of you is a devil!"