Fourteen

'And then I underwent my first--I suppose you could call it--great temptation. I was in my room praying, and I was somehow told--not with words, but I knew that I was being told, and I knew exactly what it was--that the Lord wished me to remain a virgin, and never to have relations with a man."

"In truth?" said Thomas. "Did you not suspect that this was a delusion? Something perhaps from the devil?"

"If you had had the experience, you could not have doubted it. I knew it was a request from the Lord. And I knew it was a request, not a command. For some reason, he would prefer that I remain a virgin, even though my parents had decided who I was to marry, and even though I was rapidly approaching the age to marry.

"But, you are right, and this was the temptation. Given what the Lord had commanded, it did seem unreasonable. And given what I had thought my mission in life was, it seemed doubly unreasonable. What it meant was that I would have to give up completely my idea of myself as the mother of the Messiah, and be content with being merely a peasant girl--a peasant woman--of no consequence, who happened to have a peculiar gift of not being able to be harmed, and of being in complete control of herself. For what?

"I thought about it, and in the course of my reflections, it occurred to me that the Lord did not have to have grandiose purposes for a person when he gave her a special favor. Perhaps he simply wished to bestow favors upon her. Who was I to try to fathom the mind of the Almighty? And how was I 'lowering' myself by consenting to what he wished? I was merely lowering the desire I had formed of what I could be if he gave me greater favors, but I was nothing before him no matter what favors he did or did not bestow on me.

"The resentment I felt at first then vanished. That was no merit of mine, it was simply my constitution. I had concluded, rightly, that I was nothing. If he wanted something of me, he had but to ask. So I vowed to him that I would remain a virgin, and I prayed that he would find some way to make Joseph understand and accept my decision."

"So you had your own struggle," remarked Thomas.

"Oh yes, and I must say that in spite of what I called my 'constitution,' iit was a severe one, because it was a struggle, not with my emotions, but with my idea of myself. What I thought would be 'the real Mary.' It is never easy to give up oneself and abandon one's ambitions, even when the ambitions were so--nebulous. I suppose there was merit there, but because of my 'constitution,' nothing approaching the merit you had in turning your life back to where it should have been. Once I had made the choice, there was no longing afterward, no regret, no remorse. Having made my decision, I was completely at peace, because of my 'constitution.' The only difficulty I had, as I said, was with Joseph.

"One evening, we were seated on a bench in front of his house, watching the day turn into twilight, before I had to return home to help my mother. He looked at me with some surprise, and I realized that he had just discovered that I was now a woman. He reached over and took my hand--and I knew that I would have to tell him now. I looked over at him, and he saw the tears in my eyes. I felt so sorry for him!

"'Joseph,' I said, 'I know not how to say this. I realize you wish me for your wife, but there is something I must tell you. I have--how shall I put it?--I have been asked by the Master--not in words, exactly, but I know what I am to do, and I am certain that I am not mistaken--I have been asked never to have--marital--you understand?--with a man."

"He looked dumbfounded, and was unable to speak for a while. He looked down at his hands--he always looked at his hands when he thought, as if they held the answer he sought, somehow. He finally said, 'You are quite certain?' and I, of course, answered, 'I have never been more certain of anything. I am so sorry for your sake.'

"'But he told us to increase and multiply!' he blurted.

"He was so--brave. I never loved him more than at that moment. I replied, 'I know. I know not why he wishes this of me--it seems to go against everything I expected--' and I looked at him as if to plead with him. I wanted him to know how much I loved him. '--but I know just as surely that he does wish it, and I cannot refuse him.'

"There was another pause, another search of his hands, after which he said, 'Of course, if that is the case, though it is difficult for me to believe.'

"I could only answer, 'I have prayed much and much over this, Joseph, not only for me but for you. I would dearly love to have a husband, and had always thought that when the time came, I would have one; and of course, if I were to have a husband, it could be no one but you. But . . .' And I sighed and turned away. I could not look at his face, with its agony.

"There was nothing further to say, really. We sat there, watching the darkness fall--I could feel it fall also inside me--and finally, he told me that he understood, which was the only lie I ever heard him tell, and after a short time, we parted.

"Well, the next day he appeared as early in the morning as was polite, and, full of eagerness, told me, 'You said you must not touch a man. But who will protect you and see that it does not happen? Your parents are old.

"'Consider this:' he said. 'We could marry, and I would agree never to touch you, and our marriage would keep anyone else from seeking to do so. As long as you stay unmarried, someone might ask for your hand, and you might not be in a position to refuse.'

"I had never thought of that. But it seemed correct. Perhaps that was why I was to be engaged to Joseph: to be married to him in a marriage-that-was-not-quite-a-marriage, precisely so that I could remain a virgin. It was upside down, but then everything seemed upside down ever since the request from the Lord. There was no question of whether I could trust Joseph, and, of course, based on my 'constitution,' that I could trust myself to keep the agreement. It was, then, only a question of whether it was what the Lord wished, or whether for some reason I was ignoring something because it seemed like such an ideal solution under the circumstances.

"I finally told Joseph that I would have to pray over it, and we parted once more.

"Well, I prayed the rest of that day, as I am sure Joseph did, and could find nothing against becoming his 'almost-wife,' so to speak; and I was at peace--which for me has always been one sign that I was following the Lord's will. And so, a few days later, we became engaged to marry. In one sense, it was extremely sudden, but we had had what one might call a courtship for years, and there was no reason not to commit ourselves.

"My father, who did not know of our arrangement, told Joseph what all fathers tell prospective husbands, but it had a special ring for us. 'Are you certain' he said, 'you are ready for this? You know, among us, the engagement might as well be a wedding, except that you must not come together. But you cannot simply leave. If you want to separate once you have been engaged, you must divorce her;' and Joseph replied that he realized that, but added that he could conceive of no reason why he would want to--he said 'how I could bring myself to'--separate from her, and so my father consented and blessed our commitment."

"But then what happened that you became a mother?" asked Thomas. He could understand that Mary had received what she at least believed was some kind of revelation, but it seemed inconsistent to break it, once made--and she seemed anything but inconsistent.

Mary looked at him. "I expect that you are now thinking that I also was in need of rescue from the very son that I conceived, and that is why I spoke to you. That is not it at all, and I am not surprised if you cannot divine it. It was, in fact, the second great temptation of my life."

"Another temptation? How?"

"The night after we made our formal promise to each other--the usual one, but secretly meaning what we had agreed on--I was alone in my room after the evening meal, and someone came to me, someone immense, terrifyingly great, and greeted me. I nearly fainted. He told me I was God's favorite, and that the Lord was with me. This was not like the request I had that I be a virgin. Here was a messenger I could see, even though he also was speaking to me with words that somehow were not words but ideas in my own mind.

"I was stunned, and did not know what to make of this, and then he told He told me that he was Gabriel, one of those who stand before the Lord, and that I had been chosen, if I consented, to conceive and give birth to a son, whom I would call 'Jesus.'"

"And then he said--"the recollection seemed to overwhelm her, "--he said that my son would be great and would be called--called the Son of the Supreme Being, and the Lord God would give him the throne of his ancestor David," She paused a moment to calm herself."And he would be king over the house of Jacob forever, with a reign that would never end."

Thomas looked at her, unable to speak. There was a pause. Finally, he whispered, "The Son of the Supreme Being? He said that? Those words?"

"Those very words--well, not words, exactly, but if they were put into words, those would be the words. It is very confusing, I admit, but I understood what he was saying as if he were using ordinary words." She paused for a moment, and then went on,. "You may imagine that I could not understand it. I could not take it in. Especially after what I had just promised. Could the Lord ask one to do opposite things? Because I knew that he had asked me to remain a virgin.

"I said it was a temptation, and it was. The alternatives seemed to be either this visitation was from the devil, or the earlier request I had was from the devil; but it was impossible to believe that of either of them. But then, was the Lord playing games with me? Making me refuse what he was to give me? Here I had just given up all hope of being the mother of the Messiah, and he was telling me that I would indeed become the mother of the Messiah.

"For an instant, the thought came to me to reply, 'I do not enjoy being trifled with! If I was to be a mother, why was I asked to reject just such a thing? And if I was to reject motherhood, how dare you present me with it! Begone!

"But thank God for my mother's training, keeping me from prideful thoughts. I reflected once again that I was nothing, and if the Lord wished to test me, who was I to complain that he was testing me in a way I did not expect? If he chose to trifle with me, was I something that deserved, somehow, not to be trifled with? By the Lord himself? I remembered what Isaiah, I think it was, said about the clay and the potter. And after all, he was 'testing' me by offering me something I had so longed for!

"Perhaps the Lord, in giving us what we want, makes us show that we love him more than his gifts, and so he seems to withhold them, and only then gives them to us.

"But of course, there was the dilemma of my being a virgin and a mother. Why would he have asked me to remain a virgin, and had me agree with Joseph to marry and remain a virgin, if I were simply to go to Joseph as I normally would? No, there was something more here. I was to remain a virgin, somehow, yet be a mother. And after all, the Lord is omnipotent, and so there would be some way.

"All this flashed through my mind in an instant. But still I felt I had to ask, 'How can this be, since I am not to have relations with a man?' And the angel answered--" She could not go on for a short time. Finally, she resumed, "He said, 'The Holy Spirit will come--'" her voice broke again for a moment-- "'upon you and the power of the Supreme Being will cover you in its shade; and that is why the holy offspring to be born from you will be called the Son of God.' From me! And who was I? Who am I? But it is true."

"The Son of the Supreme Being," Thomas said again, and realized that, if she was telling the truth, he was looking at the literal wife of the Supreme Being. It was impossible, unthinkable.

"Then," she went on, "he told me that my cousin Elizabeth was already in her sixth month, in spite of her old age; he said it as a sign that what he was telling me was true. But he had answered my problem. I was to be a virgin, so that the Lord Himself could be my bridegroom. How can one say it? How could anyone even think it? I almost cannot believe it myself, even after it has happened! And Joseph was to marry me so that it would not seem as if I had been--as if everything was normal."

How indeed could anyone think it, thought Thomas. The very idea was so foreign to any descendant of Abraham--so repugnant, in a way, almost making the Lord someone like Jupiter, wandering the world looking out for pretty women. What had he involved himself with?

"What could I do? I finally told the angel that I was merely the Lord's slave, and that what he had said should be done to me. And he left." She was silent for some moments.

"And then I realized that I simply could not tell Joseph. Or anyone, or my parents. Who would believe me? I see that you do not really believe me, in spite of what you have seen this day and in spite of the transformation within you. How could you? I understand. But I am telling you in part because I wish you to have your eyes open about what you are involving yourself in, and in part so that when even more amazing things happen, you will see a bit more clearly the meaning behind them. Nothing he does is random. Think of who he is. Is it not incredible?"

"It is indeed." How could anyone believe it?

"Yet it is true. I almost cannot believe it myself, and I have lived it! Every day I tell myself, 'It is true! It is really true!'

"And of course I had to tell someone at least something, or I would burst, and I had the idea that I might tell Elizabeth, since she had been pointed out as a sign to me, and had had a wonder happen to her. Besides, I realized that Elizabeth would need help, and so I left, thinking that the Lord would inform Joseph also, but he did not.

"But Elizabeth greeted me and asked how the mother of her Master should come to her, and I knew that she knew. I was so relieved, I fairly sang for joy! Someone I could speak to who would understand!

"She knew?" said Thomas. "How?"

"Well," she answered, "it was not quite so simple. It seems that Zechariah, the father, who was a priest, had had something of a revelation about his son, who was to be the forerunner, somehow, of the Messiah; and--at least she said--her son leaped in her womb when she saw me, and she realized that I was carrying him. So she knew I was the mother of the Prince, but she did not really know who or what the Prince really was, I quickly found out.

"And so I could only, I felt, confide partially in her. The thought occurred to me that perhaps Joseph was to be the only one who was to know the whole truth; and of course as soon as I concluded this, I was eager to return to him--I was certain he would have had some revelation to explain everything. I had, in my anxiety to get away, told him nothing--I merely left word, because I could not bring myself to face him--that I was leaving to help Elizabeth, and that I would return in perhaps three months. The angel had said that she was six months into her time.

"And she did need help, the more so because she wished to keep everything secret until John was actually born. And so--"

"John? That would not be the John who is bathing people in the Jordan, would it?"

"Yes, that John."

"Most of the students have been talking about him; it seems they were there not too long ago, and heard him. They were very impressed."

"I know. He is a great man in his own right." She left unsaid that the one he was announcing was far greater. "At any rate," she went on, "I stayed for three months and finally was able to return to Nazareth. Naturally, I expected Joseph to have been told about me if Elizabeth had, and was startled when he simply stared at me for several moments, and then asked me, "What has happened? Where have you been?"

I said, in some bewilderment, "Then he did not tell you?"

"Who?" he said.

"I did not know what to say. Finally I told him that my cousin, an older woman, was going to have a baby and wished to keep it secret, and I thought I had to go and help her.

"He looked at me with a face that was almost scornful, and said, "Is that all?" and I was about to tell him everything, but something in his expression warned me that I had better break the news gently. I was fully expecting him to react as Elizabeth had when she saw me, but something told me it might be a great shock to him, and so I said, 'No, Joseph, it is not all, and I must prepare you for this. I am sure that you will come to understand it and accept it, but you must--you must ready yourself.'

"He seemed terribly concerned, as if I was going to tell him of some terrible trouble. 'What is it?' he asked.

"'You see,' I said, 'it was not merely that Elizabeth had a son, but I myself am going to have a son--in six months.'

"His mouth dropped open, and he simply stared at me, speechless.