Eleven

The next day dawned overcast, as John had predicted--though for a fisherman, this was no great feat--but it did not appear that it was actually going to rain. Thomas awoke and for what seemed a considerable time did not know where he was, when of a sudden, the whole of the previous day seemed to tumble at once into his consciousness. He smelled something cooking, and realized that the food he had had at Simon's house was woefully inadequate. His mouth watered uncontrollably, and he threw on his clothes and went outside to meet Ezra, who was cooking fish over a fire.

"Did you have a pleasant night?" said Ezra. "It seems to have been a rather long one. Even Bartholomew is already up. He is at the stream in back of the house, bathing."

"To be perfectly frank," said Thomas, "I know not whether it was pleasant or not. I doubt I even dreamed at all; it seems as if I just now fell asleep."

"Ah. One cannot have a night more pleasant than that. There is a psalm that says that for the Lord, a thousand years are like a night that has just passed. The psalmist must have been thinking of that kind of night, which seems to take but an instant."

"But I think it might be wise if I bathed also," said Thomas, taking the hint that Ezra had given him. And there is a place where--?"

"In the woods behind the stream. There is a bit of a path," he answered. Thomas went off behind the house, and met Nathanael coming back from his bath. They greeted each other, but it was clear that Thomas needed rather urgently to visit the woods behind the stream, and so the encounter was brief.

After he had relieved himself and bathed (rather hurriedly, because the stream was cold), he dressed again and returned to the fire, where Ezra and Nathanael were eating.

"Take some fish and bread," said Ezra, anticipating Nathanael, who nodded, his mouth full. "And water." Nathanael and Ezra, of course, were drinking wine. Thomas took the cup of water and looked rather wistfully at the wineskin, and found his hand once again stroking the bladder (which he had carefully put back where it belonged as soon as he rose). He sighed and took a bite of the bread, washing it down with the bland liquid.

"Thank you, Ezra," he said, when he had eaten a couple of mouthfuls.

"Yes, thank you," echoed Nathanael, somewhat embarrassed. Ezra smiled. Nathanael had not yet got used to the fact that cooking for him was no longer something that was expected of Ezra as a matter of course.

They began discussing what they were to do that day, and decided that they should go back to Capernaum and probably meet the rest--and receive, no doubt, instructions from Jesus about the feast on the morrow. "It is coming close to Passover, and I expect that Jesus--and we--will make the journey to Jerusalem to celebrate it. Now that we are a reasonably sized group, plans will have to be made, I think."

"Oh!" said Ezra suddenly. "Speaking of plans, I must not forget the clothes for Andrew! Do you think the white cloak would be best, or the light brown one, Bartholomew?"

"Well," answered Nathanael, "the white looks more festive, I suppose, but the tan one is rather big on you, am I right?"

"I was thinking that very thing. It would still be a little snug on him, I expect, but it should fit him better. Besides," he added, "I would prefer the white for me." He smiled again.

"Then I would say the tan. It will do."

"That was what I thought also. It will be interesting to see how someone else looks in my clothes."

"They will not be able to look as striking, that is certain," said Nathanael. "Certainly not as striking as I in the white," Ezra grinned.

"I can clean up here," volunteered Thomas, "if you want to prepare things, so that we will not be delayed."

Ezra looked a little surprised, and then said, "Would you? I would appreciate it." He turned to go back into the house, and when he reached the door, he turned back and added, "Very much."

Nathanael said, "He really enjoys being treated as if he were not a slave."

"He does indeed. You might find an occasion, at some time, to thank him for cleaning me yesterday. He told me it was the most disagreeable thing he ever did."

Nathanael's eyes widened. "That is right; I never did thank him! I--I simply expected him to do it, and I had no right to do so!"

"He said it was one of the first things he did 'as a person.'"

Nathanael shook his head, wonderingly. "There is so much we assume that we have no right to assume. I must learn to see things from others' point of view. I have not insulted you, have I, without realizing it?"

Thomas, who was burying the fire and the remains of the breakfast, looked up. "No never, that I recall. You were always gentlemanly with me. I never felt uncomfortable with you, even when you gave me a gentle reproach at my buying so much wine."

"I knew it was doing damage to you, and that toward the end, the damage was becoming serious. But I was too--but I could not bring myself to create a fuss. I apologize. I should have done something to stop you while it was still possible."

"I doubt if you could. God grant that I not go back to it! But--" He paused and looked around him with wonder--"I actually have lived a whole day without drinking anything but water!"

"I expect you will be counting the days for quite a while."

"May they mount up to the hundreds! But when I think thus, I quake! I know I cannot do it."

"Well, trust the Master, and just do it today."

"And today. And today."

"There is a psalm that says, 'Today is the day that you should hear his voice,' and I think that means every day when it is 'today.'"

"I--I am inclined to think that I must just concentrate on the morning. The day seems frighteningly long."

"Fear not. We will be here."

"Actually, today is not what concerns me, as much as tomorrow. Should I take the wine so as not to insult the bride and groom? I cannot drink it."

"If I were you, I would stay apart from the people, if you can, and only take the wine if you must."

"That was what I had planned. But--" He bowed and shook his head.

"Fear not. The Master will be there. He thinks you will be able to manage, I am sure, and if he thinks so, then you will be able to manage."

By this time Ezra had joined them, with an armful of clothes. "I brought a few other things, so that Andrew could choose," he said.

"But we had best be going." said Nathanael. "Even if it is downhill all the way, it is a long walk."

Thomas, who had not really recovered from the previous day--and the weeks and months before that--trudged after the other two rather painfully, marveling at the damage that he had done to himself since the accident. Before that, he could have run down the hill almost the whole way, but now, he discovered that walking downhill was almost as bad as walking up, having to check oneself at every step.

There was no conversation. Nathanael was not used to walking briskly, and was breathing rather heavily, Thomas noticed to his satisfaction, and Ezra had the bundle of clothes that weighed him down.

Finally, they reached level ground, and there was the group, on the lake shore as on the previous day. Ezra went up to Andrew and showed him the clothes, and Andrew tried on the cloak, which was the most important of the garments, and, to his joy, it almost fit him. "I had no idea you were that big, Ezra," he said.

"Actually, we selected this one because it is a little large for me; I used to use it when I had some task that would require moving around a great deal. But if you do not try fishing in it, it seems as if it will serve very nicely."

"And you have a tunic also. That is well. My tunic looks rather--forlorn--inside it."

"I expect you will be able to get into that also, though you might have a bit more trouble moving once you put it on. But it is only for the wedding and the reception, where you have nothing to do, except congratulate the bride and groom and drink wine."

At this, Andrew cast a glance in Thomas's direction, which Thomas pretended not to notice. He would face the issue when it had to be faced.

Conversation in the group up to that time had centered around asking Jesus when they would begin the announcement of the start of what Jesus called the "reign of God," and how they would go about it.

Jesus answered that it would not happen until after they had attended the Passover the next week, and that he had in mind some events that would prepare for it. "I plan to give a speech somewhere around here stating what the new reign of God is going to be like--probably up the mountain over there, where there is that plateau halfway up where people could gather and hear well. But we will see how things develop. I expect it would be unwise to begin in Judea."

This caused some discussion, since Judea seemed to some the logical place to begin, while others thought that it would be better to have the movement established before confronting the Judeans, who might not like the idea of their authority being, if not trampled on, diminished. Jesus held himself aloof from actually joining in the conversation, but seemed to be listening intently, gauging the readiness of his followers to accept his lead.

Judas Iscariot figured heavily in this discussion, since, as a priest himself, he had a fairly good finger on the pulse of the establishment in Judea. His opinion seemed to coincide with that of Jesus, since he said that if one were to try to make the Judean priesthood change their way of thinking, one would have to do it gradually and very diplomatically, somehow convincing them that they were the authors of the change, rather than that a Galilean upstart was telling them that he was right and they were wrong.

"What is wrong with being a Galilean?" asked John, and some others murmured agreement.

"Nothing at all. You are as good Judeans in the generic sense as the people living in Judea. But you know that they do not think so. The idea of a prophet coming from Galilee is laughable to them."

"Well, they will have to become used to it!"

"Granted. But since they think that they are the only true Judeans, it will take considerable diplomacy to make them give up the idea."

"Either that," broke in Simon the Revolutionary, "or a movement so strong that they will have no power against it, especially if here in Galilee we show how we can shake off the Roman chains."

Several of them opined that that would be a miracle beyond anything they had so far seen, to which Simon responded, "Exactly. But who can say if it will not happen?" Jesus looked a bit bemused. Thomas thought that Jesus might be pleased at the confidence in himself this showed, but that he gave no impression that he would be pushed into anything--or that he would be deterred from anything by difficulties in accomplishing it.

It looked as if it was going to be an exciting future, if not positively a dangerous one.

And so the day passed, without anyone's actually becoming enraged at anyone else, though there were a few instances in which James and especially his young brother John made some remarks that could be construed as intemperate. But their flushed faces quickly cooled down, especially when others agreed with their main point, and only added caveats and qualifications.

The trouble was that no one really knew what Jesus was up to; they only had, each of them, some experience of his remarkable powers, basically over people's minds, it seemed, but what this Reign of God would mean was a complete mystery. Would he try to reinstate the Judges of old, without a king, letting the Master be king, speaking though prophets, or would Jesus be a kind of spokesman himself for the Master--which Thomas thought far more likely. But then what? There was Rome to deal with.

He looked over at Jesus, who had a somewhat amused expression on his face as people speculated in his presence about what he was planning to do. He let them talk, without--at the moment at least--enlightening them. He did not give the impression that he would have trouble using them for his purposes, whatever they were, though from Thomas's viewpoint, they were the last people he should select as starting a movement that involved a radical shift in attitude.

What were they? Five people who knew practically nothing except how to fish--though of course, Simon must have had some experience in running the business side of it, and probably James as well. But what was that, in a movement that would necessarily involve politics? And then there was the little owl, the other James, who did not look as if he could ever do anything decisive, and Philip, who was naive enough to border on being foolish--and Nathanael, who was certainly intelligent enough to do great things, perhaps, if he could learn how to do something except sit and read and watch people go by. Politics, of course, was much on the mind of Simon the Revolutionary, but it looked like the kind of politics that would quickly land them in a Roman prison. The other Judas--who was it? Oh, yes, Thaddeus--was an enigma to Thomas at the moment. Perhaps he would do. And Judas Iscariot certainly would do for any great enterprise.

Well, presumably Jesus knew what he was doing, as everyone kept saying. The discussion did not seem to dismay him in the least, as it did Thomas. Perhaps he was a true miracle-worker who could take the most unpromising material and make something magnificent out of it. If so, the Judeans would be no real obstacle.

Perhaps something would even happen during the Passover to at least give a boost to this group of "followers" who had no idea of what and precious little idea of whom they were following. The next few weeks would be very informative, Thomas expected.

But it again drew toward evening, and John invited Thomas and Nathanael and Ezra to stay at his house there in Capernaum, so that they would not have to face the trek they had made the previous night and morning. There was only one room for the three of them, John said, but it was large enough so that they could share it without much discomfort. "We can put some straw on the floor to make temporary beds, and it should be comfortable enough."

The others agreed, and they went off after John and James.

It turned out that Simon and Andrew had the house next door (where Jesus and his mother were staying): the one Nathanael took Thomas to, though, John said, walking by Thomas's side, they had only recently come here, in order to team up with Zebedee and his family; "They are originally from Bethsaida, and it was becoming a nuisance to come here from there or for us to go there from here, so they moved. Jesus himself, you know, is not from here, but from Nazareth, up not far from Cana." Thomas nodded. He recalled Nathanael's saying something to that effect.

"Tell me, I have been wondering," he said. "What was his occupation up to now? Something physical, I expect; he does not look much like my idea of a rabbi."

"Oh, he is not--that is, he was not. He was a carpenter until just last year. Had you not heard of him and his father Joseph? I thought everyone knew them."

"Joseph. Oh, yes, I seem to have heard the name. We never had much of any need for a carpenter, and so would not have sought him."

"The whole area will have to find a new one," said John. "The Master has clearly begun a different career, and Joseph, poor man, has some kind of a heart condition that prevents his working any longer."

"That is sad."

"Well, Jesus's mother says that he is not in any pain, but is exhausted most of the time, if he tries to do anything strenuous. And from what I have been able to gather, working with wood is a good deal more strenuous than fishing, unless you are plying the oars."

"I wonder that Jesus cannot do something for him." said Thomas. He thought of how he had cured him of his curse by simply putting his hand on his head.

"I asked his mother that very thing, and she said that he had his reasons--of which I have no doubt."

She would say that, thought Thomas. Perhaps the powers of Jesus extended only to the mind; he had transformed Nathanael, if not into a dynamo of activity, at least into someone who could act when action was imperative, and he had cleared up Thomas's mind. Of course, Ezra's freedom was simply a question of putting the idea into Nathanael's head. But could he cure actual physical ills?

Thomas began to be impatient to find out just what this Reign of God entailed--not to mention what his role in it would be, and whether he could accomplish it. But Jesus said to trust him. Well, what else could he do?

--And as he lay down that night, beside Ezra and Nathanael, he realized that he had now gone two days drinking only water. "Only thousands to go," he told himself, "but the first days must be the hardest," and drifted off to sleep.

He woke in the middle of the night, his whole being crying out for a drink. He reached over where the bladder lay beside him under his cloak, only half realizing what he was doing, and pulled it toward him. At this, he woke more fully, and managed to say, "Jesus, help me! I cannot stop myself! Help me!"

--And found himself able to put it back; and with a brief "Thank you" to Jesus, as if he had heard him, he lay there, crushed with agony by his success in resisting the temptation, and finally managed to cry himself to sleep once again.