Nine

Thomas's eyes widened "Of a truth?" Nathanael thought of his own impulsive reaction when Jesus had seemed to know what he was doing under the fig tree and how he was begging for help--and Jesus had said, just as he said to Thomas, that the sky would open up. He was certainly more than simply a learned man, and perhaps more than merely a man. How much more remained to be seen. And he could forgive sins, either on his own authority or by proxy, so to speak. At least, he claimed to be able to do so, and Nathanael fervently hoped, both for his sake and Thomas's, that the claim was valid.

"We were down in Judea when John started speaking of him," said John. Thomas looked confused, and Nathanael himself did not understand. John saw their bewilderment, and said, "John is a person that has been causing a tremendous amount of controversy, bathing people in the Jordan down there, telling them that he is the forerunner of the promised Prince, and that we should prepare ourselves. I happened to be there, though James stayed here to keep the business going--I was to enter into studies at the Temple, and my--at any rate, I was there with Andrew and Simon, who had decided to take a little holiday and see this preacher."

"And we were enthralled," said Andrew. "He had everyone convinced that we were about to enter a new age."

"And then he actually pointed out who it was that he was referring to," continued John, "one day that Jesus walked by. He said that he had bathed him also (he bathed us too, of course) and saw the Spirit come upon him like a dove, and that was how he knew who he was."

"And of course, as soon as we heard it, we went after Jesus," continued Andrew, "and spent the day with him. John may have been forceful, but he--well, of course, you have met him."

"We knew we were to be 'students' of his, as he called us, as if he were a rabbi," said John, "but he mentioned that he would not be available for a couple of months, and that we should resume what we had been doing. 'I will see you again, never fear,' he said."

"And sure enough," Andrew continued, "as we were in the boats not too long ago, mending our nets, he came by and told us to follow him--and we did, as did James and Simon, leaving poor Zebedee befuddled and, truth be told, a bit indignant. That is what Simon is trying to patch up at the moment."

Nathanael then stepped back in and said, "But let me introduce you to the others," hoping he remembered them all, and brought Thomas to birdlike "little James," who had the habit of clearing his throat constantly. "I am (hem) pleased to make your acquaintance. I had (ha) heard of your plight from Nathanael--or should I now say (hem) Bartholomew?"

"Call me whatever you like," answered Nathanael. His clearing of his throat was almost as annoying as Thomas's chopping nods of the head were at the beginning. But he supposed he would get used to them as time went on.

"So like you," said James. "It gratifies me," he said to Thomas, "to see that you are (ha) recovered." Thomas did not seem to take too kindly to him either, and smiled and turned back to Nathanael, who was bringing him to someone else.

"This is Judas," he said, relieved to have remembered the name just in time, "but he also has another name, Thaddeus, to distinguish him from the man over there we will meet in a moment, Judas from Kerioth, whom we call 'Iscariot' for that reason. The two greeted one another and made the appropriate noises, and then Nathanael went over to a strikingly handsome, supremely self-assured man, and said, "Judas, Thomas is by now quite bewildered at how we all seem to be named in pairs." Not to mention himself. But he was rather proud of the fact that he had kept them all straight after so short an acquaintance. Thank God there were not forty of them!

As Judas greeted Thomas cordially enough he said, "We will sort ourselves out in a short time. We are in one sense a rather rag-tag group, but the Master knows what he is doing; you will see."

And this was the last one. "But there is another Simon also, besides the brother of Andrew," said Nathanael, and led him to a man of middle height, with a fierce black beard and black eyes. "We call him 'Simon the Revolutionary."

"In truth?" said Thomas, surprised that a revolutionary would be associated with Jesus.

"Well, I used to belong to the Zealot party that, you know, has been trying to find a way to free us of Rome." Ah, thought Nathanael, that was the source of the name, and not simply his appearance. He was a revolutionary. "And if Jesus is the Prince who had been prophesied, then he will be able to accomplish it--he will be sure to do so--and so I joined him."

"The rest of us," broke in John, "are not quite so sure that that is what Jesus has in mind."

"I would not rule it out, youngster," said Simon.

"Oh, please! Do we look like the makings of an army?" Nathanael was ready to laugh. He had no illusions about himself, and was convinced that he would run for cover as soon as the arrows started flying. And Jesus certainly had no illusions about him. It was one thing to confront a drunk, and quite another to be faced with being slashed with a sword.

"You never know," answered Simon. "I imagine those who followed Judas Maccabeus did not look like much at the beginning. We will see, we will see."

"We will never see that, I am certain."

"Yes, well, many are certain of many things."

"But I did not have a chance to tell you--Didymus--" said John, to end what evidently was an ongoing controversy among them, "how very happy--how very happy--I am to see you here." He sounded a little extra happy, for some reason.

"Why thank you--John, is it? The names are running by me so quickly I lose them as soon as I hear them. But I fear I am no great addition to anything."

"Fear not. You will do great things. We all will do great things; I am convinced of it."

"By the way," said Andrew, "did you know that Jesus' mother has been invited to a wedding in Cana tomorrow? And that it looks as if we will be going also?" Nathanael saw Thomas flinch at this. It would be his first test at whether he would be able to avoid drinking wine in a situation where it was expected that he do it. Jesus did not seem behindhand in testing his followers.

"Indeed?" said John.

"I believe so," answered Andrew. "That is why Jesus is at Simon's house now. He is speaking to his wife and her mother about the arrangements; it is her sister who is about to be married, and he is trying to see if we will be a burden on the couple."

"I can see why," said Thomas. "Probably whoever invited her and Jesus had no idea that it would involve eight or ten more people." He sounded to Nathanael rather eager that it might prove impossible.

"Exactly. And I do not think they are especially well off. So perhaps Jesus will go alone; I would suspect that that would be the most sensible thing. But Simon gave me the impression that he (I mean Jesus) would like to bring us along, if it were possible. Perhaps Jesus will subtly supply some financial help, somehow."

"He wishes to make a sort of public display of us as a group, I suspect," said Nathanael. "We are presumably the core--or part of it--of whatever it is that he is planning." We would have to be. But what a core! Four--no, five, including Thomas--fishermen, a political radical, who looked the part, a little owl of a man who cleared his throat at every third word, a priest-scholar, a--Philip--and a coward, among others equally unsuited to anything significant.

Nathanael supposed that his reputation for laziness had spread among them; it would not have surprised him, since reputations of character flaws were quickly diffused in any group. But he wondered if anyone knew that it was fear that incapacitated him. Did Ezra even know, or did he interpret his hesitation at the shore as distaste at engaging in violent action? His contempt up until today made Nathanael think he suspected the truth.

As the conversation among the group became general, Nathanael, who never had much to say, drifted off to the side, thoughtful. Cowardice was the one vice that was not tolerated in a man. Women could be "timid," but a man was a complete disgrace as a coward. Other vices were even extolled; men bragged of their sexual conquests and others looked up to them with envy, men amassed great heaps of wealth--like his father--and were looked up to--like his father--as pillars of the community, men who were hot-headed and always ready for a fight were thought of as manly and self-assertive, men who consumed great quantities of food and drink were not despised, unless they went as far as Thomas, the envious were "champions of justice," and pride was even called a supreme virtue by no less than the philosopher Aristotle.

But a man had to be courageous. If not, he was, to quote David, "a worm, not a man." That was why Nathanael, who even despised himself, had so cultivated the vice of laziness as a disguise; lazy people were not exactly praised, as the greedy were, but they were not actively hated--except by those who expected things from them, as his father did. But even his father, who could have seen that Nathanael was idle out of fear that he would fail, was blind to the real reason behind it. Nathanael laughed to himself. He was a "real Israelite," but it was not quite so simple that "there was nothing devious about him." Well, perhaps not intentionally devious; he did not set out to look lazy to delude people into thinking he was not a coward; the laziness was just the outward sign of his refusing to do what he was afraid to do. Or perhaps he was busy deluding himself he simply hated work. But he knew better--now, at least. He had never, until that terrible accident, really thought about why he never did anything. But the fact was that at any challenge, his heart beat wildly, now that he thought back on his life.

Nathanael noticed with a certain amusement that Thomas and Ezra were off by themselves also, engaged in what seemed to be earnest and serious conversation. He felt a bit of a sting at this, that he was not part of their tête à tête, but what could he do about it? And, if truth be completely revealed, he was not all that anxious to join them. He felt an instinctive revulsion (which he fought against) at Thomas. It was perhaps due to his long-standing feeling against his mother--which he was also beginning to learn to fight against. He half expected Thomas to go back to drinking once the novelty of being sober and no longer needing drink wore off; the wineskin he had kept did not seem promising. But he was trying hard--now.

And as to Ezra, Nathanael could not rid himself of the idea that Ezra knew he was at heart a coward and thought of him as less human even than a slave. It is one thing to be held in contempt; it is another to be contemned by one's own slave--especially after he has been freed. All in all, Nathanael realized, he had a long road to travel before he could be a real friend of either of them, much as he loved them both. Life was complicated; he suddenly felt very alone.

At one point, Thomas laughed aloud, calling attention to the two of them. "If ever I need lessons in how to be a successful slave, I know who to come to for instruction," he said. Ezra laughed with him. Nathanael cringed. Were they discussing how Ezra manipulated his fears? The others looked over in some surprise.

John, who had been talking to the giant Andrew, came over to them. "What was this you found so amusing?"

Ezra gave Thomas a knowing look. What was that about? Thomas said to John, "Oh, Ezra was telling me how slaves manage to manipulate their masters, and I said I knew who to go to if I needed lessons in how to be a slave." So it was how Ezra managed to get his way with Nathanael.

"How does it feel, Ezra," said John, "to be a free man?"

"At the moment, John," (as he said the name without any "Master" preceding it, John reacted for an instant, but recovered himself) "it is not so very different. I find it somewhat frightening, however, because my decisions now have consequences. When I merely did what my master ordered, the consequences were his."

"Yes, I have heard people who leave the army say much the same thing," said John.

"But I will learn. We all have a great deal to learn, I think." Nathanael knew that Ezra was aware that he was listening, and he wondered if this were directed at him. He could easily learn to hate that man. But perhaps he had been misinterpreting what he had overheard; he hoped so.

"True. And we have found the perfect rabbi and master. And here he comes--with his mother and Simon."

Jesus and what must have been Simon were engaged in earnest conversation when they approached, with his mother contributing a remark here and there.

So this was the mother. Yes, she could easily have been the mother of Jesus, somehow. She was one of those ageless women, though in her case, it was obviously nature rather than art that made her so; and she had the poise and grace of a queen, though none of the air of one who thought of herself as a queen, or as anything special. She was not strikingly pretty: "handsome" would rather describe her, as she walked beside her rather handsome son, whose face was the masculine version of her own. She barely reached his broad shoulders.

Had he been engaged in physical labor before he became a rabbi? Nathanael wondered. He might have been an oarsman in a fishing boat--which might, of course, explain why he chose fishermen. But they did not treat him as a colleague. Nathanael could not imagine anyone treating him as a colleague, or as anything but a master; it was somehow clear that he was a higher being than everyone else, even though he did not act with princely pomp. How those two could be so ordinary and yet be so obviously extraordinary was something of a mystery.

John ran up as they came near, and told them that they had met Thomas, and Jesus said, "Yes, we are nearly complete now. There is one more, but I think that it will be some time before he joins us." So, Nathanael thought, I was right; we are the core group for whatever it is that Jesus is planning. How will I ever be able to do whatever must be done? He trembled inwardly. Well, he must trust, he supposed.

"--we going to the wedding-feast?" John was saying. "Or will you go by yourself?".

Jesus's mother answered, "You were never slow, John, in getting to the point. Give us a moment to breathe. Who is this new member you have?" John took her arm and all but dragged her to meet Thomas, who bowed. Jesus went off to the side, letting his mother be the center of attention. He seemed interested in what his "students'" conversation would be, rather than dominating it.

"I am very happy to make your acquaintance, Thomas," she said. "My son speaks highly of you?"

"He does?" said Thomas in amazement. "I cannot think on what grounds." He blushed in embarrassment.

"Oh, he sees what is inside a person," she answered. "I imagine you were a bit--shall we say taken aback?--by some of the rest of the group. Their outside in some cases is not prepossessing."

"He told me that I must trust him," he replied. "I personally have no choice, but as Judas, I think it was, said, he seems to know what he is doing." He had better, thought Nathanael.

"Have no fear on that score," she said, "though of course, I would say such a thing, being his mother. But precisely because I am his mother, I can claim to know him better than anyone else; and I assure you, he is eminently worthy of your trust."

"I hope so, my Lady," So Thomas too had caught her regal air. "I myself am the person I am afraid to trust. I fear I have no capacity to do 'great things,' as people seem to be predicting of me."

She laughed. "Fear not. If he thinks you will do them, then you will do them. You will see. Fear not. Consider what you have done already."

Evidently Jesus had told her much, Nathanael thought. No doubt also much about him also. "I find it not full of accomplishments, I am afraid," he finally answered.

"But you are only looking at it from a certain point of view. He looks from all points of view. You will see. Fear not."

"I will try, my Lady."

"He asks no more." She turned from him to say something to John and then turned back, "Not even success."

Nathanael hoped fervently that that was the case. If he had been "successful" with Thomas, this was by no means a guarantee that he would be able to actually accomplish anything else.

John then came over and said, "But have you met Nathanael?" as Thomas lapsed into a kind of reverie, pondering what she said. She came over, and said, "Are you the one Philip found under the fig-tree? He told me about it." Nathanael hoped that Jesus had not told her too much; he could not bear that she would think of him as a coward.

"I am," he said. "I am quite as bewildered as Thomas over what possible role I could have in--whatever it is I am apparently to have a role in. I am completely in the dark."

"Fear not," she said. "It will come out, and you will find that you can do whatever needs to be done--you will perhaps amaze yourself at what you can do."

"I am already amazed, truth be told, my Lady. But it is all his doing. I was just thinking that I fit David's notion of himself as a 'worm, not a man.'"

She laughed. "Ah, but look at what David made of himself, with the Lord's help."

"Oh, but I am no David! Far from it!"

"Trust him. He knows what he is about." Everyone seemed convinced of this, though of course one could expect it of his mother.

"In my case, I have no alternative. To trust in myself is to trust a worm, and that is despair."

She laughed again. "Fear not."

"He will have to bring that about, I suspect. But I will try. I am gratified to hear you say that I need but try, not necessarily succeed."

"I meant that. You will see. The success is secondary. He could do it all himself, but he wishes that we join him."

"If I can."

"Of yourself, you cannot. None of us can. But trust him."

"Well, as I said, I will try--or at any rate, I will try to try." She laughed once more.

John, who was standing by a bit impatiently, asked, "But then are we all going to the wedding on the day after tomorrow? If so, we must prepare, you know." Simon, who had joined them seemed to think that there would be no difficulty with there being such an increase in the guests, but Mary was not quite so sure. "I will keep my eyes open," she said. "It would not be just if we turned a happy day into an embarrassment."