Six

The place Ezra led Nathanael to was not very far from the fig-tree, perhaps an hour's walk away, toward Capernaum, and fairly close to the shore. "He is around here somewhere," said Ezra; "I have seen him every now and then, I suppose when he left his place to go to Philip to buy wine. I would guess he would be in one of those caves up there." And he climbed a small rise, with Nathanael following.

"Someone lives here; it must be Thomas," said Ezra looking in at the entrance, and drawing back for Nathanael to go in first.

He could not do it. What could be in there? "I cannot," he said, and caught another look of contempt from Ezra, and thought, "Jesus, you said you would be with me. Please! Help me!"

Unable to enter, he put his head into the cave, and almost fainted at the stench, but managed to say."Thomas!" It was almost a squeak. "Are you in there?"

"Nother?" screamed a voice from within--that same horrible, low-pitched animal sound Nathanael remembered so well from his mother. "Ill die! Theylkill me!"

"You are in there!" cried Nathanael, and somehow found the strength to enter, plunging the cave into night for an instant. He caught one look at Thomas, flickering in the firelight at the entrance, and both simultaneously shrieked in horror. He would have turned and run, but he was unable to move.

"My God!" he said, appalled, after he found his voice. The figure he saw in the dim light looked as if it had been rolling in a dunghill. "Is that truly you?"

"Real, or are nother one come tormnt me? Cnnot be Nthanel; never comere!" He was covered with vomit and excrement, and was shaking like an aspen. Nathanael fought not to vomit looking at him, his hand over his mouth. He said, in a shaking voice, "Thomas, how--I cannot believe it! How came you this way?" He could not come closer.

"Touch me not!" screamed Thomas, lifting a quaking hand. That was the last thing Nathanael wanted to do. He stood there inside the entrance to the cave, with all four fingers of his right hand inside his mouth, as if he would bite them off.

Finally, he took his hand out and managed to say, "It is truly I, Thomas. Truly. I have come seeking you--and (half under his breath) now I know why. My God!" He had been warned, but this was far, far worse than anything he could have imagined. His mother was nothing compared to this--this apparition. He looked back out of the cave, and said, "Ezra, I need--Where is he? Ezra!"

"Seekme? YounEzra? Thelp me, peraps?" Thomas broke into hysterical laughter, and when he recovered, he said in a sepulchral voice, "Fyou wouldelp me, send Saml away!"

"Samuel? Did you say Samuel?"

"Dyou not seeim? Hestands righside you!" Nathanael jumped and looked at the empty wall where Thomas, his eyes huge with dread, pointed. Oh, God, it was even worse. His mother over again! His mother copied in dung!

"Thomas," he said, ready to scream in panic and run, but fighting with might and main to keep his voice calm, "there is no one there." He looked again outside the cave, and said to himself, "Where could he have gone?" Had he run away to enjoy his freedom? No, he could not have; he loved Thomas. Where was he, then? Nathanael could not face this alone.

But he was alone, and what else was there to do?

"None ere! Hes nt gone! Heright there, sreal syou! --or sunreals you! I cnnot bear it!" He seemed to realize he was not speaking clearly, and, enunciating every syllable, very slowly said, "Truly, you cannot see him? How can you not?"

"I cannot indeed, Thomas. There is no one. Believe me, I know."

"Blieve you! Why shd I blieve youn not blieve mown eyes?"

Nathanael looked from the empty wall, at which he had been staring, back to Thomas, wallowing in filth, hair matted with it, his nose running, eyes all but popping out of his head, and his drooling mouth distorted in a way not to be described. Even his body seemed to have collapsed upon itself, and the muscular youth had become a skeleton with skin.

It was too much. Nathanael even turned to escape--and thought of Samuel. He could not. He could not! "Jesus, help me!" he breathed. And he actually began to approach Thomas, who now looked at him with the same face of anguish and horror that he had worn in looking over at the invisible Samuel, and shook uncontrollably.

"You are sick, Thomas. Very, very sick. I wish to help you."

"--Nhe smilestill, and still says nothn. Least you speak! Isat how one cnknow wheth one seesreal? Thatspeaks? O letm not speak, or I wll die!"

Then he broke into pathetic supplication, if anything more repulsive than his terror. Again, very slowly, "Can you remove him?" he pleaded. "Can you please remove him? Wll drive mmad!"

"There is no one to remove, Thomas," said Nathanael, "Truly."

"Noone there!" Thomas looked down at the ground for a time, in thought. "Mus right. Know youright, I had knownt. How could be there? I killedm. But seeim still!" Once more, an attempt at clear speech, "Did you know I killed him, Nathanael?"

"It was an accident, Thomas. Accidents happen. You did not kill him. You would not kill your own brother."

"Oh, you knownt, Nthanl! You know slittle fme, how loathsome Im! I wishd n wished tbe freefim! I knew nt wat was wishn, but I wishd had no twin, sotht cd be mself." Deliberate, slow enunciation again, wide-eyed with terror, very quietly, "And now I have no twin, and I have lost myself also! And he is dead, and he stands! there bside me tmake me know tht killed! him and that I will nev be freefim, and he will drive me MAD!" His voice rose to a scream that broke into racking sobs, making him collapse back on his filthy bed. "Takm away! Takem away! Or fhes not there, make me not seeim! Please!"

"I cannot do it, God help me!" said Nathanael. "But--but I think I bring hope. I know I do. I cannot help you myself, Thomas, but I now know who can. If he cannot, no one can; but he can; I am sure he can. He rescued me, and when he rescued me, he sent me here. So he can help."

"Rscued you? Frmwhat?"

Nathanael's face flamed; he had said too much. "No. I cannot tell you--at least, not now. Perhaps some day. I know not. Perhaps I will one day be able to bear to tell you."

"You cnnot be Nthanel! Hes rich! Heas no need for anyone trescuem from nything!"

"Oh, Thomas, if you only knew! --I cannot say it, Thomas! I cannot! But he has saved me from it--" and he added under his breath--"I hope."

Slow speech again. "You do sound real. Perhaps you are not another Samuel. See, he stands there still, smiling now at both of us. Will you be haunted also? If you help me?"

Nathanael flinched at the thought, but recovered himself. "Will you come with me? I will bring you to him, and he will help you. I am sure of it. Why else would he have sent me to you?" Thomas made an effort to rise, shaking in weakness and dread, and nearly collapsed. Nathanael approached closer still, trying desperately to keep from vomiting at the thought of touching him, and striving with all his might to speak kindly and gently. "Here. Let me hold you. We will walk together, slowly." He closed his eyes as he put his arm underneath him and lifted him up steadying him against himself, trying not to think what he was doing.

Thomas looked over to the side. "And Saml follows, smilng nsayng nothing!" And as they reached the entrance of the cave, "Nhe comes through thwall! Run!" He made a pathetic attempt to run, and only stumbled into Nathanael's arms, covering him with the filth on his body.

Nathanael almost dropped him, but held on. "We cannot run, Thomas. He will do nothing." He put Thomas beside himself, and, with his hand about his waist, supporting him, took two tentative steps in the direction of Capernaum.

"Ycnnot knowat!" said Thomas, trying to struggle, "M sure he wishes destroy! me!"

Nathanael held him tight and looked at him, the revulsion finally beginning to be overcome by pity. "He almost did, Thomas, he almost did. But it will be over soon. You will see."

"Whos person you bringing me tsee?"

"He is called Jesus of Nazareth."

"Cn anyth good com frm Nazareth?" said Thomas.

'Ezra! EZRAH!" screamed Nathanael, as he hugged Thomas to himself to keep him from falling. Where was he? He needed help; he could barely hold Thomas.

A faint voice answered breathlessly from up the hill, "Here, Master! A moment!"

Nathanael turned, turning Thomas with him, and saw Ezra carrying a large basin, apparently filled with clothes. He was hurrying down the hill, but had to stop for a moment to catch his breath. Finally, after what seemed hours, he came up.

"I came as--quickly as I--could, Master, I--"

"I am not your master any longer. I told you that."

"I am sorry. I for--forgot."

"You forgot? That you are now a free man?"

"Well, not--really." He paused to take a deep breath. "But when I saw Master Thomas there--" he caught Nathanael's eye, and said, "I cannot help it! When I saw how he was, I knew he would have to be cleaned and have clothes, and so I went back and took some clothes of your father, which I thought would fit him--and a clean cloak for you just in case--and I see you need it--and a basin, for he is shaking so that we cannot take him down to the sea to bathe him--"

"Sea! No! Tdrown me!" screamed Thomas. "Saml drowme!"

"Fear not,Thomas," said Nathanael, soothingly. We will not take you to the sea."

"Zra?" pleaded Thomas. "Cn you make Saml goway?"

"Samuel?" said Ezra.

"He sees Samuel standing here," said Nathanael.

"Dyou not seeim? There!" said wide-eyed Thomas, pointing a quivering hand.

"My God!" said Ezra. "Master Thomas, we must make you clean and bring you to see Jesus. He will save you. He set me free. He can do anything! Here, let me go to the sea and put some water in the basin. I brought a towel to wash and another to dry him, and some of the mixture of fat and lye you mother uses for her delicate clothes; it is very mild, and should not harm him." And he dumped the clothes on the grass, and ran off with the basin to the shore, where he quickly scooped up about a half-basin of water, and struggled back with it.

"It should be heated," he said. "I think there was a fire, was there not? Yes. But it would take too long. Let me put the basin by the fire and heat the cloth after I dip it in the water and the soap."

They were still just outside the entrance to the cave, which was quite secluded, and Ezra stripped off his own clothes and laid them carefully on the grass, and then, naked, put the basin inside next to the fire, dipped the cloth in it, and rubbed it on the top of the small jar he had taken earlier from the basin. He held the wet cloth by the fire until it lost its chill and then came up to Thomas, whom he took gently away from Nathanael, and brought him back close to the basin, when he stripped Thomas of the filth he was wearing, throwing it into the cave, and began to wash his hair, face, and beard.

Thomas at first made as if to struggle, but the soft touch of Ezra quieted him somewhat, and he merely trembled with the basic ague that was upon him and made little grunting noises. When Ezra started on his face, he said, "Close your eyes, Master Thomas, lest they sting. This mixture is very hard on open eyes." Thomas closed them as tight as a young child being washed, and Ezra soaped and then rinsed his face and beard as gently as a mother.

Nathanael stood by, not knowing what to do, watching this black, black man make the light-brown Thomas, who seemed almost snow-white in contrast, appear from his squalid covering. The air, especially where it hit his wet body, made him quake violently, and Ezra dried him off as quickly as he could, working down from his head toward his feet. He took a new washing-towel and drying-towel several times as the ones he was using became too filthy to do any good.

"Master?" said Ezra.

"I told you, call me not Master," said Nathanael. "Call me simply Nathanael."

"I am sorry. Nath--no, I cannot do it! Forgive me, but it--it feels to me so like an insult!"

Nathanael thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, then, call me Bartholomew. It is time that I acknowledged who my father is. Even if I am a new man--perhaps, he is still my father."

"Then--Bartholomew, do you not think that it would be wise to change your cloak? I suspect that that one will have to be burned."

Nathanael looked down and saw what a horror had been made of his cloak from Thomas's rubbing up against it, and tore it off, washing off in the basin his arms where they had been touching Thomas, then running over to the pile of clothes, picking up his clean cloak and donning it.

By this time, Ezra had almost finished with Thomas, who was close to being gleamingly clean. Nathanael had never seen him so pristine, since Thomas had never before bathed in anything but water, and he stood there--or rather shook there, still making moaning noises--somewhat closer to his former self. Ezra rubbed some scented oil on his body and put on the underclothes, the tunic, and the cloak, which fit quite well, except that they were a bit tight in the shoulders. Then he took a comb and began to straighten out the hair and beard, an operation which consumed considerable time. Thomas cried out softly every now and then as Ezra, apologizing, fought with a tangle.

Finally Ezra pronounced him finished, and Nathanael once again came over, putting his arm round the now sweet-smelling Thomas, and said, "Now then, let us go to see Jesus. Fortunately, he is in Capernaum, I believe at Simon's house, which is not very far."

"I will clean up here a bit," said Ezra, "and take the things back to the house, and meet you there soon."

"Can you walk?" said Nathanael to Thomas.

"I think so," answered Thomas. His speech was still slurred, but more distinct. Being washed does make one feel more confident of oneself. He was still trembling fiercely, but beginning to regain some control over his movements.

"Is he still there?" asked Nathanael.

"O yes!" said Thomas. "And still he smiles!" he looked over at Nathanael and stumbled, but caught himself, "Do you think...smiles because we goto this Jesus, whover he is?"

"If Samuel has anything to do with it, Thomas, I am sure that he smiles for that reason. You will be saved."

"But will I be saved from him? He will not follow me! O say he will not!"

"Fear nothing, Thomas. All will be well," and he added under his breath, "somehow."

They trudged along, slowly, Thomas still trembling violently, but making what progress he could. At one point, he looked over at Nathanael, who had him round the waist, supporting him (and who, it must be confessed, was rather awkward about it), and said with astonishment, "You are working!"