Thirty-Five

Where would he have gone? He would have found the closest wine-shop. Nathanael wandered the streets, and then remembered there was one but a turning away. He tried that. No one had come there in the past two days.

Perhaps in the other direction. And suddenly, there was the young Thomas, walking beside him. He jumped.

"I am Samuel," he said. "Jesus allowed me to come back to tell you--" and when Nathanael reacted with terror, he laughed and said, "Fear not, I have not returned permanently! I heard you when you considered the possibility of my being younger than my twin. And I would not return and resume the life I had for all the fish in the Sea of Galilee, much as I love fishing! No, I am here briefly only to allay your doubts."

"Have you seen Thomas?" Samuel seemed happy. He seemed happy!

"I have. And I am to take you to him. He needs you."

"But why are you here? What have you to do with me? I killed you."

"That is exactly why I am here. And you did not 'kill' me, as you so poetically put it. As you told Thomas once, it was an accident. You see, I have been watching you."

Nathanael stared at him. He certainly seemed real. He reached out and touched him. He was solid.

"Oh yes, it is really I, not some apparition, just as it was really Jesus."

"I cannot believe it."

"You need not believe it. You are seeing it. Jesus asked me to explain to you why I am happy that I died as I did. I had told John before I died that I loved Thomas--I had known John, partly out of spite, because Thomas had made you a friend, and I wanted one of my own, and I met him--well, that is of no consequence. But I saw how Thomas was not only trapped in his desire for wine, but trapped in our life as fishermen."

"What do you mean, 'trapped'?"

"You see, it was as clear to me as that he was being dragged into degradation by wine--or that 'magic liquid' of his. You had created in him a longing for something beyond our life; when he learned to read, I could see that the world opened itself up to him from the books you gave him."

"He told me once you despised him for it!"

"He could read books, but he was not good at reading people. I admired him, and after all, he was--is--my other self, and I was a little jealous, I admit; but I loved him and wanted him to fulfill that self that was beyond me.

"I was perfectly content to be a fisherman all my life--it is a good life, after all, and useful--but I knew he could not be happy doing what we were doing. I told John about it, and said I would do anything to help him--that I would give my life if it could lead to his finding his true self."

"You actually said that?"

"I did indeed, and I meant every syllable. Of course, I had no plans to die, but yes, I was not merely willing, I was eager to do so, if it was the only way."

"And was it the only way? Do you know that now?"

"Yes. And I have come briefly to tell you that this is so. And so I am not only glad that it happened; I am overjoyed!"

"You are actually happy that you were killed?"

"I could not be happier. It was but a momentary pain, a bump on the head, and then I understood everything. I saw Thomas pull my body from under the boat and then drink himself into unconsciousness, and I rejoiced, because I knew all then--I knew his whole life, even the life he will live after you have once again saved him--and my whole life, and what I had done for him!"

"What you had done for him?"

"If I had not died, he would have been but an embittered fisherman for the rest of his life, making himself miserable and everyone around him--as he was doing. And it would not be a long life; the drink was destroying him. And if I had not died, you would still be sitting under the fig tree, watching the world go by, and afraid of everything, and John would be studying to be a rabbi, and would never have gone to the other John to be bathed from his sins, and would not have met Jesus at the crucial moment. And what a calamity that would have been for the world!"

"So you are saying that it was all arranged."

"In a sense. The Master loves us, and he manages to see that what we do turns out to be just what we should have done so that we can rejoice forever. Now that I see everything clearly, I would not change a single moment of my life, especially the last one."

"You say you saw his father? Did you tell him this?"

"I told him what I just told you. He was not drunk, but he doubts nonetheless that I am real. He told me that somehow Thomas sent me, and I had to tell him No, that I was also sent to him, to explain the same thing. I do not think he is convinced as yet, but our mother will help. It will take time. But he does nothing in vain."

"It is too good to be true! It is too good to be true! It does make sense!" And a voice within him said, "Even the horror of the crucifixion? How can that make sense?"

"No, Nathanael, it is too good not to be true. God created the world out of infinite love; and God is the very source of reason. How could it not make sense? And God redeemed the world in the only way the world could be redeemed, because we are so hateful. But hateful as we are, he loves us and brings our happiness out of our very hatefulness! You will see.

"But I have fulfilled my mission to you. And here we are. Thomas is within." And he vanished.

Nathanael, dazed, entered the wine shop, and there was Thomas, staring unseeingly out the window, barely conscious, and, except that he was not filthy, the same as Nathanael had seen him in the cave.

He placed his hands on that head that was really unconscious, and said, "In the name of Jesus of Nazareth, now living again, may you be freed from this curse.

"Thomas?"

Suddenly, he was completely sober. "What, another one?"

"Thank God! I finally found you!" It was the Thomas of three days ago again.

"Found me? You see what you found, Nathanael, though not in a cave this time. The real Thomas!"

Oh, no, it was not. Thank God! Thank Jesus. "Nonsense. Thomas, he has come back to life! Come see!"

"Come back to life? You mean Jesus?"

"He has, Thomas. Philip was right."

"You are all deluded! You are all having hallucination, as I am! I saw Samuel just now, and he told me a pretty story."

"I know, Thomas. He came to me also."

"Samuel did?"

"He did. But you must thank Ezra also that I am here. I also failed. Before Samuel came, Ezra told me that I must come to find you, and bring you back once again. And I could not. I stayed. But Ezra insisted. 'Do you want to be responsible for both of them?' he said, so I had to come; but--"

"What did he mean? 'Responsible for both of them?'"

"I was as afraid as I used to be before I met the Master, and I was sure I could not succeed, but he kept insisting and I--I finally began looking for you. So we all failed, Thomas, but we are forgiven. All of us. And while I was looking, I met Samuel, and he explained about himself."

"What did Ezra mean?"

He hesitated, and took a deep breath. "I never told you this, Thomas; I never had the courage. I never had any courage. Thomas, I--Thomas, I was sitting under the fig tree by the bank of the lake when you and Samuel fought for that bladder of yours, and I saw you jump overboard, and the gunwale hit Samuel and knock him under the boat, and I--but I--and Ezra pleaded with me, screamed at me to jump in and save him, because Ezra could not swim. And I could have done it, I could have saved him, but I was afraid; I did not think I could, and while I stood there, vacillating, you started coming back, and I was afraid that you would see me there hesitating while poor Samuel died, and I fled up the hill to my house!

"But after a long time, days and days--weeks--I went back and sat under the fig tree again and begged God, if he could see me, to forgive my sin and make me a person who could act. Because I wanted to act, but I was always afraid, and then while I was saying this to the Lord, Philip came and told me about Jesus, and I went and he forgave me, and then I came to you--and found I could actually do something, and something good and useful, for a change."

Thomas had been looking at him with loathing, which gradually changed. He said, "And you saved my life, Nathanael."

"But I failed to save your brother's. And how that haunted me all this time! Forgiveness is all very fine, but to know that one has ruined another person's life is something else. But now Samuel has told me himself that I would have done him the greatest disservice of his whole life if I had saved him. He told me he had to die, so that you could live! It does not make my guilt any less, but I know now that even with my guilt, especially since Jesus forgave it, what I did happened to be the best thing that could have been done. Because you will be famous, Thomas!"

He laughed. "Oh yes? Look at me."

"I see a great man, who has had a great shock, and who will recover greatly. Come back with me and see."

"Go! I do not want to come back. I do not want to be sober! Leave me and let me drink myself to death! That I will succeed in this time!"

"No, Thomas. You must come. Jesus is alive. One can even see the holes in his hands and feet and side. But he lives!"

"Well, what I see are two deluded fools, who see visions and have hallucinations because they have had a great shock and still want to believe, because they must believe to survive, and so they make up things and see things so that they can believe!"

"It is no hallucination; it is true. I saw Jesus. And I saw Samuel. The real people."

"Samuel is dead!"

"Yes, but he told me he was permitted to come for this one day to tell us what the real truth is."

"Real truth! I do not believe it! I do not believe it precisely because I must believe it in order to survive! Let me die! Even if you did take me back there to Jesus and I too saw him, I still would not believe it! I know that my mind creates hallucinations; I had one this very day! I will not believe unless I feel his flesh--unless I put my fingers into the holes in his hands, and thrust my hand into his side!"

But it came to pass that, after much more persuasion on Nathanael's part, Thomas went back with him, and two days later Jesus came in, though the doors were locked, and said, "Peace to you," as if he were simply greeting them as Hebrews always did. Thomas stood aghast.

Jesus looked at him and said, "Take your finger and probe my hands, and put your hand into my side, and" with a twinkle in his voice, "then you will be a believer instead of a skeptic."

And it was real flesh, and the hole in his once dead and living hand, now healed, went right through from the heel to the back of the wrist. Thomas cringed from putting his finger in, but Jesus motioned for him to go ahead, and the hand was there, as real as life, and the hole was there, the badge of honor that Jesus wore.

He fell to his knees. "My Master," he said, "and my God!"

"You believe because you saw me, Thomas. Admire those who believe without seeing."

And on the next day, he appeared again to Nathanael, when he had gone out, alone, to ponder what had happened. He still could not quite believe it.

"I wanted to clear up a few things," he said, as if he had been there walking beside him all the while, "because you were so concerned with having everything make sense."

"Master!" And he hung his head, "It still does not seem--" he let the rest drift away in the twilight.

"I understand. That is why I am here. First of all, you thought that if you killed Judas, I would have been able to be made King."

"I did have some such thought, Master. I knew it was wrong, but I--" What excuse could he give?

"I know. But you did not know what actually would have happened. If Judas had been killed--and it was difficult to persuade Ezra and David and John as well as yourself not to kill him--the authorities would have thought that we were about to stage a revolt, since he had already made overtures to them so capture me secretly."

"That was what we had found out."

"Ezra was very diligent. And so was David. But as soon as they heard that Judas was dead, they would have made a move against us, and it would have been public; and there would have been a riot, with hundreds of people killed, and all of you captured. And in the end, there would have been fourteen crosses instead of three. And, though good would have been brought out of it--my Father does nothing in vain--I did not wish anyone else I loved to have to undergo what I was to undergo. You saw me there in the garden. It was not something that even I could face."

"So it was to save us from what I feared was our fate."

"Also, if you had killed Judas then, he would have been damned. I love Judas, just as I love all sinners, and I wished him to have every chance to repent and be saved. And he did repent of his sin against me; he returned the money he had taken to betray me."

"But then he killed himself. Did he repent from that sin?"

"That is not for you or anyone to know in this life. Whether, in dying, he asked for forgiveness, depends on the prayers made in his behalf by the members of my body throughout time."

Nathanael hung his head. "I could not pray for him."

"The time may come when you can. He also is a creature of God, like you. And all of you are sinners; if you wish forgiveness, you must learn to forgive."

"Well, I will try--or try to try."

"Well said. And I wish to tell you that in fact you were very brave, Nathanael, in staying with me when you thought crucifixion might be your fate."

"Very brave!" Nathanael laughed. "I did not believe I could go through with it. And afterwards, I almost could not go to Thomas."

"But you went. Bravery does not mean having no fear. I was brave, though I was so frightened, I sweat blood."

"Is that why your face was full of blood when you woke us?"

"It was terror. But I had conquered the world through it."

"--I know not what to say."

"Well, the point is that, though it was possible that the people would rally to my side, and then the Reign of God, with lions lying beside lambs, would begin, it was better that all this be postponed, and the Age of Faith intervene, because, though the evils of the future that really exists are God's punishment for mankind's second rejection of his love--a sort of second Original Sin--the result would be that instead of being with the Father and me, you would be the Father and I, just as the Father and I are one and the same thing. And instead of rejoicing that God is infinitely happy, you will, when you die--and now, you will have to die--you will be infinitely happy with the very happiness of God himself. And when all is complete, the Kingdom will be established here on earth, and it will be an eternal Kingdom."

Nathanael stood there, awestruck. "And that was why Samuel said he would not come back for any price."

"Yes. Samuel knows. You do not know, and must believe--and it will be thus for everyone, now that I have been crucified. Salvation now comes from faith and from sharing in my crucifixion so that you can share in my glory. But after you die, you will know. And before you die, you will be great--which, I am sorry to say, will not be an easy death for you. But fear not. The world must make up for my suffering, and share it, and your death will help it to do so."

"I am--I am overwhelmed."

"Well, I too have finished my mission, for now. Peace. My peace. You remember I said you will have agony in the world. It is not over. But you will be at peace. Fear not. And you will not fear--at least not so much." And Nathanael was alone.

And Nathanael did go on, as various traditions have it, to Persia, Armenia, and even India, and was martyred, possibly by beheading.

There are two things that still remain to be told in this narrative. First, it happened that some time during the forty days after the resurrection, the group went to Galilee, and Ezra made an excursion to the mansion, returning to tell Nathanael, "It seems that you will be visiting your parents after all, Bartholomew; but you will have to put up with someone else among you when you do."

"What are you talking about?"

"You--and I, of course--are going to be invited in the next couple of months to meet your new brother or sister."

"My new bro--I cannot believe it!"

Ezra broke into a roar of laughter. "And you should see your father! He told me, 'I will call him Benjamin, if he is a boy!' His smile was even more brilliant than mine!" And Ezra's smile lit up the whole room. Nathanael was speechless.

The second thing is this: Some weeks after the crucifixion, as the students were in Galilee, the Rock declared that he was going fishing. Nathanael and Thomas happened to be there, and Thomas said he would go with him, and then looked at Nathanael, knowing how he hated being in a boat. Nathanael nodded, however, and they all got in, and Nathanael was not afraid. He rejoiced because now he was not afraid.

And they caught nothing. Nathanael sat, as he had before, at the side of the boat next to the stern, to keep out of the way, when he saw a man on the shore, who shouted, "Lads! Have you caught anything?"

"No!" shouted the Rock, angrily.

"Throw the net out on the other side; you will find something," was the reply.

They looked at each other. "Well, why not?" said John, and the Rock threw the net, which suddenly was choked with fish.

"It is the Master!" cried John, and the Rock grabbed his cloak and dove in and swam to shore. The others followed, painfully dragging the net.

But Nathanael did not pay much attention to this, because a huge tarantula had crawled out from one of the stern cushions, barely a cubit from where Nathanael was sitting.

He started--and then discovered to his delight that he did not collapse in panic or jump into the now shallow water to escape. He looked at the thing, marveling at how loathsome it was. And it stayed motionless, looking up at him, as if to say, "You know, I, even I, am a creature of God, like you."

As the boat reached the shore, he moved to climb out, taking care not to get closer to the thing, and said to it, "You and I will never be friends, perhaps, but I wish you well. Go in peace."