Twenty-Eight

Ezra came up, dropped the water jar he was carrying, and ran to Nathanael crying, "Master! What happened?"

Nathanael looked up at him, tears streaming down his face. "Noth--nothing, actu--actually," he managed to say. "I got a sc--scare, that is all."

"What was it? Did he do something to you?"

"Judas? No." He was finding his voice. "No, it is just that I reached into my pouch for some bread, and--Ugh!--I put my hand on a spi--spider! That big! Ugh!" And he held up his clenched fist.

"In the pouch?"

"You know how I hate spiders! And this one! Ugh! It--Ugh!--crawled in during the night--I hate! them!--Ugh!--Judas said. He is gone, by the way; he had to hurry to Jerusalem."

Ezra looked up at the southern horizon. "Hurry to Jerusalem, did he? He had better have hurried before I returned! So that is why he deigned to talk to me and send me for water!"

"What do you mean?"

"We woke before you, and he asked me to go to the well to fetch some water. I wondered that he acknowledged my existence."

"Do you think he--?"

"Bartholomew, I saw him last night get up and go over there, presumably to relieve himself. When he came back, he had something in his hand, and went over to your pouch, and when he came away, his hand was empty."

"You think he put it in?"

"I know he put it in. He found it, and thought it would be fun to play a little joke. I have been watching him these many days. Thomas knows. He has played his little tricks on Thomas also."

"You mean that business with the wine was deliberate?"

"How could a man forget which of his canteens had wine and which had water? And there are other things--ah, yes, you were part of that ridiculous parade we made that night when he 'accidentally' went by Mary and John."

"You saw me?"

"Of course I saw you. The wonder is that you saw me."

"I would not have done, except that you walked through a bit of moonlight, and were a moving shadow."

"Ah. I will have to be more careful. I tend to think that I am actually invisible at night."

"But what is Judas up to?"

"I think he is trying to see if he can lure people away from Jesus. Or scare them away."

Nathanael remembered what he had speculated earlier, and then was angry with himself for not being prepared. He remarked, "He did tell me that a tarantula bite is less painful than the nails on a cross, and that Jesus would not be crucified alone."

"You see?"

Rage welled up in Nathanael, overcoming any residual fear he had. He would not allow this--devil!--to win! He said, "He has to be the one who is the 'devil.'"

"Who else could it be? And I can tell you this. He is, I am all but certain, doing quite well for himself on the money we receive in gifts."

"No!"

"You should see his mansion in Jerusalem! It makes your father's house--and Matthew's, for that matter--look like hovels."

"What can we do?"

"He is a menace. He must be removed before he betrays Jesus to the authorities."

Nathanael wondered how Judas had discovered his absolutely worst fear. Probably by accident; he just happened upon the tarantula, and guessed, based on what he had observed of Nathanael, that he would be afraid of it. "That man deserves to die!" he cried, "Especially if he is a threat to Jesus!"

"My sentiments exactly. We must see what we can do when we arrive in Jerusalem. This must not be allowed to continue!"

They drank some water and ate the bread and cheese hurriedly, and Nathanael, who at first almost could not bring himself to pick up his pouch, thought that this was exactly what Judas hoped, and so he gritted his teeth, and reached down and picked it up, saying to himself, "It is perfectly safe, and I will not let him win!" and they set off at a brisk pace for Jerusalem, full of purpose.

But as they walked silently the long day's journey, having no breath for speaking, Nathanael could not help thinking, "I cannot go on thus! I fail at everything I do, and I let a little spider absolutely incapacitate me! I am the one who does not deserve to live! Well, perhaps I might justify myself if I can rid the world of Judas. --But when it comes down to it, I will not be able to bring myself to do it! I will lose heart, as I always do! Well, Ezra will have the courage--and perhaps if we succeed, then Jesus will not be captured and crucified!"

He had the nagging feeling, however, that Jesus would not approve. Jesus knew that the group harbored a devil, and he had--so far--done nothing about it. But, his rage told him, perhaps he was waiting to see if one of his students would take the hint. Perhaps. It was laughably unlikely, but it was just possible. He would at least try. The Master would bring good out of it.

Perhaps.

He hoped.

--Or not.

By the time they reached Jerusalem, Nathanael had almost actually come to a resolution to at least attempt to go through with it, or to help Ezra. And it had to be done at the earliest opportunity. They began looking for Jesus, since Judas would doubtless be with him and the rest of the students. But it was toward evening, and he was not in the Temple area.

"In the Gethsemani garden," said Ezra, walking down toward the valley of the Kidron brook to the east.

"If he is there, and if Judas is there, we will not be able to do anything this night; everyone will be around us."

"We will find an occasion. He leaves us more and more frequently now, and I know where he goes." And indeed, they did find the group in the garden, getting ready to sleep.

Ezra took Thomas aside and spoke with him for a while, presumably keeping him up to date on what Judas had been doing. Nathanael realized how exhausted he was after all the walking and the excitement, and lay down on the grassy ground and, before he slept, Ezra lay down and whispered, "Fear not, I did not tell him about you and the tarantula."

The next day, he woke late, and found Ezra already gone. He hurried out of the garden to the Temple, where Jesus and the students were, surrounded by a huge crowd. It seemed the Pharisees were laying traps for him, based on how they were speaking. As Nathanael came up, one Pharisee oiled his way up to him and said, "Rabbi, we know that you are truthful, and that you pay no attention to what others think, because you care nothing for public opinion, but teach honestly the path to God. So--is it permitted to pay taxes to Caesar, or not? Which is it?"

The crowd was all anticipation of how Jesus would escape from the horns of this dilemma. If he said, "Yes," he as much as admitted that Rome's occupation was legitimate; but if he said No, he would be able to be charged with treason. And there was Judas, with a small, complacent smile on his face, either because he foresaw some way Jesus could solve the problem, or because he knew that the great confrontation was about to occur. Nathanael was surprised at the vehemence of his loathing of Judas.

Jesus answered, "Show me the coin you use to pay taxes."

The one who had asked the question fumbled in the folds of his robe and brought out what must have been a denarius. "Whose image is this," asked Jesus, "and whose inscription is on it?"

"Caesar's" was the answer. Was that Mary who came up, with Lazarus? Was she his long-lost sister? And did he know it? Of course not; he would not tolerate being seen in public with her.

"Then give back to Caesar what is Caesar's, and return to God what is God's," he said. There was laughter and cries of "Brilliant!" "Excellent!"

Jesus sat down on the steps leading up to the courtyard of the Judeans, as his questioner withdrew in chagrin. He seemed to be preparing to preach again. Ezra came up beside Nathanael. "We might be able to follow him after this. I will keep watch." The two of them stood there, attending to Jesus.

But at that moment, some others dragged a woman forward, her hair askew and robes rumpled, struggling to free herself from their grasp. They stood her in front of Jesus.

"Rabbi, this woman has been arrested in the very act of adultery; and Moses in the Law has commanded us to stone her sort. What do you have to say about it?"

The crowd fell silent once again; this trap was not one he could extricate himself from by clever wordplay. If he dismissed her, he was violating the Law; but how could a man who claimed to be able to forgive sins stone a sinner? Thomas looked over at Mary and saw the consternation on her face. It could have been she standing there.

Jesus seemed to be nonplused by the difficulty also, though he kept a calm face. He sat there on the step, tracing his finger in the dust beside him, then erasing the patterns he made. "Should she be stoned or not, according to your view of God's Law?" said the accuser. Then he added with a sneer, "Do you find the answer there in the dust?"

At this, Jesus straightened up and looked him directly in the eyes. "Have some sinless one among you," he said, "be the first to throw a stone." And again he bent over and resumed writing in the dust.

But now he seemed to be writing something legible, and as he glanced up, ostensibly to see if anyone had picked up a stone, he looked at his questioner and gave the slightest nod toward what he had written--at which the man's face flamed, and he turned away. Jesus erased what was there, wrote something else, and looked up again. By this time, several people had already left, and the one whose eyes he now met did not bother to glance down at the writing, but quietly pretended that he had not even seen Jesus, and moved away also.

It did not require many glances up from what he had been doing for the crowd to become remarkably sparse; and then Jesus wrote in the ground and looked straight at Nathanael and Ezra.

"What is that which he wrote?" asked Ezra. "I cannot read the script."

Despair filled Nathanael's soul, as he answered, "It is the ancient script, such as the one God used to give the Commandments to Moses. It says, 'Thou shalt not kill.'"

They looked at each other.

"He knew," said Ezra. "He knows."

"Of course he knows," answered Nathanael. "How could we have thought that he would not?"

"But--" and Ezra finished his thought with a sigh.

"Ezra, I am not your master and cannot command you--nor would I wish to--but as a friend, may I advise you not to do it? It tortures me to say this, but what else is there to say?"

"I cannot understand it!"

"Nor I. But he knows what he is doing."

"I am so tired of hearing that!"

"But everything says that it is true. Even this. Clearly, he knew what we had in mind."

"Well, I will think upon it."

"Thank you. Now, if you will excuse me, I must think myself." And they separated.

Nathanael wandered aimlessly. He was in the middle of a crowd, being jostled from every side, but he saw no one. He could only think, "So I failed even in this! And before I had a chance to sin!"--and then he remembered Jesus saying, "If a man looks at a woman with lust, he has already committed adultery in his heart." and realized that he had murdered Judas in his heart, even though in his impotent cowardice, he would undoubtedly never be able to accomplish the act! "What kind of student--what Kind of Emissary of Jesus am I? I cannot stand up to my own father without practically collapsing in front of him, let alone persuade him to be kind to my poor mother! And I let a little spider completely unman me! And Judas is probably right; they probably do not bite except in extreme cases--it felt my hand on it and did nothing!--and even then it only hurts! And I could not bear it! I still cannot! I cannot do anything! I am not fit to live!"

And in his wild self-hatred, he turned toward the parapet of the Temple, looking over the Valley of Hinnom--Gehenna--with its everlasting fires, and was about to run there while he still had the impetus and fling himself over to rid the world of Nathanael the Coward, when "You will die in your sins!" rang in his ears.

Jesus's voice.

"If you do not believe that I AM," he was saying,"you will die in your sins!"

He was going to add suicide to murder. And he might actually have done it this time! And Jesus knew this also, and said what he said to stop him. He had no right to kill Judas, nor any right to kill himself.

He was trapped. By "I AM."

He had actually said it. He had used the Divine Name to refer to himself, in such a way that it could almost bear no other construction. "Unless you believe that I AM." What else could it mean? And Nathanael had believed-and-not-believed. But he knew. How many different people heard those words, and were moved by them? If he was I AM, then what he said meant something to each and every listener--or each one who would listen; he was convinced that many would not.

Would he?

How could he not listen? What else was he but an insect? Something that hideous spider should have eaten? Only with Jesus did his life mean anything at all!

He went back, to listen some more.

"--real students of mine." Jesus was saying. "You will recognize what the truth is, and the truth will set you free."

Was he a real student? Did he recognize the truth? The truth had slapped him across the face; did he know it? Well, he was beginning to learn--he hoped.

"--children of Abraham," said someone in the crowd. "We have never been slaves. How can you tell us we will be set free?"

"Amen amen I tell you," said Jesus, "anyone who commits a sin is a slave." How true that was! "--does not stay in the family forever. The Son stays in it forever. And if the Son frees you, you really will be free."

Was he saying that he had called him back to tell him that he was forgiven? That he had been set free from his sins? That he should leave everything to Jesus, who as I AM knew not only what he was doing but what everyone else was doing and thinking? What had he to worry about? So he was a worm. He was a worm chosen by the greatest being who ever walked this earth! "Thank you, Jesus!" he breathed. "I will try!--or I will at least try to try!"

Jesus was answering something someone shouted at him. "--Abraham did not do this sort of thing. No, you are doing what your real father wishes!"

"We are not bastards!" shouted the crowd. "We have the one God for our father!"

"If God were your father, you would love me," said Jesus, "because I came from God. And I did not come of myself; he sent me. Then why can you not understand what I say? Because you cannot hear my words!" Perhaps Nathanael did not really hear his words. But he was hearing them now, was he not? He shuddered, wondering.

"--when he tells lies, he does what is natural to himself, because he is a liar and the father of liars. And when I tell you what the truth is, you do not believe it!"

The people were making outraged cries that he was the one who had a devil. Jesus looked out over them with anger and said, "Can any one of you name one sin that I have committed? Then if I tell you what the truth is, why do you not believe it? Anyone who belongs to God can hear what God says; and so you cannot hear, because you do not belong to God!" Nathanael whispered, "Master, I believe! Help my lack of belief!"

"--men I tell you," said Jesus, "Anyone who keeps what I say will never see death!" What was that?

"Now we know you are out of your mind!" shouted someone in the crowd. "Abraham died, and so did the prophets! And you say"--he repeated Jesus's words with bitter sarcasm--"that if anyone 'keeps what you say' he will not taste death forever! Are you greater than our ancestor Abraham? Who died! Or the prophets? Who died! Just who are you making yourself out to be?" The crowd roared assent.

Jesus looked out at them and let them calm down somewhat. Then he raised his hand for silence, and said calmly, "If I were to tell you how great I am, my greatness would be nothing. But there is my Father," he pointed to the sanctuary of the Temple, "who is showing how great I am. He is the one you call your God--but you do not recognize him. But I know him. If I said I did not know him, I would be a liar like you. I do know him, because I came from him, and he sent me!"

Now he was saying that he came from God, and God sent him. But he had called himself "I AM" just a short while ago. He was God from God?

Then Jesus looked over them once again, and said, "And your ancestor Abraham was glad to see that my day was coming; and when he saw it come, it filled him with joy!"

"You are not even fifty years old," shouted the man who had spoken earlier, and you have 'seen Abraham!'" Everyone laughed, and Jesus, stung, broke into their cacophony with the angry retort, "Amen amen I tell you, before Abraham came into existence, I AM!"

One could hear the intake of breath as the whole crowd reacted in stunned horror. Jesus stood there in front of them for a silent moment, and then cries of "Blasphemy!" "He has blasphemed on the very steps of the Temple!" as people scurried about to find stones to throw at him.

--To throw at no one. He was not there.