Twenty

On their way back to Galilee, they passed through Sychar once again, and the people welcomed Jesus, though he did not stay with them. Nathanael barely noticed anything about the trip, he was so concerned about the implication in that little story. Most of the Emissaries had found rationalizations to dismiss what Jesus had said about his dying as a metaphor of some sort--Jesus often spoke in figurative language--but Nathanael was not so sure. He was coming closer and closer to claiming that he was God, and there was not the slightest sign that any of the Pharisees--except perhaps Nicodemus, who came to him on the Passover at night, and had been quietly learning about him by asking whoever would inform him--would budge in the slightest if he claimed to be God.

What loyal Judean would? It was only if one looked at what he had done that one could entertain the thought even for a moment that something far greater than a prophet was here. Nathanael was still having trouble. How could the ordinary people do it, if they had only seen one or two miracles? "Change your way of thinking!" It was far easier to ask it than it was to do it. It almost reduced God to one of the pagan gods, and that no Judean could tolerate.

When they reached Mount Tabor, Jesus told them to wait at the foot, and climbed the mountain himself with the Rock, James, and young John.

They waited, half expecting something momentous.

A man saw them standing there, and said to Nathanael, who was (as usual) at the edge of the group, "Are you the followers of Jesus of Nazareth?" and when he told him they were, he said, "May I see him? My boy has an unclean spirit, and I need his help."

Nathanael quaked. Well, it was only noise, he told himself, and answered, "He is not here at the moment, though we expect him fairly soon. But perhaps we can help." He fervently hoped the man would ask to wait.

"Oh, could you?" he exclaimed, and turned and his wife brought up their teen-age son, who was actually frothing at the mouth. Dear God! What have I brought upon myself? thought Nathanael.

The boy was struggling, looking off into space, and the father held him, while Nathanael said, "I command you, in the name of Jesus of Nazareth, to leave this boy!" The thought crossed his mind, "What will I do if it does not go?"

The boy said, in a deep, rasping voice--clearly not his own--"Then where is he? He has deserted you, has he not?"

Nathanael, trying desperately to show that he was not shaking because he had not been obeyed, repeated, as forcefully as he knew how, "In Jesus's name, I command you to leave that boy on the instant!"

You command me! You!" And then he laughed that same hideous laugh the other demon had laughed--but he did not go out of the boy. Nathanael was all but fainting, when Jesus came up, and suddenly there was a great silence. "What is it you are busying yourselves with?" he asked.

The man answered, "Rabbi, I brought you my son, who has a demon that will not let him speak; and when it gets inside him, it tears him apart, and he foams at the mouth and grinds his teeth, and goes rigid. I asked your students if they would drive it out, and they were not strong enough!" He gave a look at Nathanael, who felt hardly strong enough to breathe, and whose face was flaming with embarrassment.

"This faithless race!" exclaimed Jesus. Nathanael cowered and tried to withdraw into the background. "How long will I be among you? How long will I put up with you? Bring him to me!"

The father pulled him over, and the boy fell into convulsions, and fell writhing on the ground. Jesus looked at him. "How long has he been this way?" he asked the father.

"From the time he was little!" he said. "And it often throws him into the fire, and into water to kill him! But if it is possible, please help us! Have pity on us!"

"If it is possible!" exclaimed Jesus. "Everything is possible to a believer."

"Master I believe!" cried the man. "Please help my unbelief!"

Jesus, noticing that the crowd was gathering round them, said in a calm voice, "Deaf and dumb spirit, I command you to go out of him." And the boy suddenly gave out a roar, and fell over as if dead. Jesus then took his hand, and he stood up, and he gave him to his father.

Everyone was completely stunned, and no one said a word for a long time. Finally, Simon the Revolutionary asked, "Why could we not drive it out?"

"Because you did not believe strongly enough," answered Jesus. "Besides, that kind can only go out through fasting and prayer."

Everyone was cowed, and said nothing. Nathanael was trying to make himself as small and inconspicuous as possible. But after a while, it dawned on some of them that Jesus and the three were no longer on the mountain; whatever they were doing there was over--and it became abundantly clear that something tremendous had happened up there also, from the expressions on the faces of the companions. They seemed to be in shock; they had barely even reacted to the demon.

"What happened?" everyone asked, crowding around.

"We are not to speak of it," said the Rock. "At least, not until . . . something happens which I do not understand." He looked over at Jesus with awe and a kind of terror in his eyes. No one could extract any more from him. Whatever it was they had seen, it made them aware that this man they had been so familiar with was far, far beyond anything they could have imagined. And not only the Rock, but James and John looked at Jesus with a new expression of profound awe. Had Jesus walked out of his human skin for a few moments?

Nathanael saw all this from a distance; he had walked apart from the others, full of chagrin from his part in the demon episode. Clearly he did not have enough faith; he was constantly doubting--and as he commanded the demon, he remembered the thought he had: "What will I do if it will not leave?"

"I am no good at this!" he said to himself. "I am a complete failure, as I have been at everything! I will simply go and relieve them of my presence!"

"Without even telling me?" said Jesus.

"Master!" said Nathanael. He was right beside him, and he had not noticed.

"Remember, I said that I did not ask for success, but that you try--or as Matthew said, that you try to try. You tried."

"Not hard enough."

"Come now. So you found out that we are not playing games here--as you suspected when you tried to cast out the demon. And you failed. But the boy is in his right mind. So what is the problem?"

"No thanks to me."

"Oh? You want thanks?"

"It was simply an expression."

"Think, Nathanael. What was the purpose here? That the boy be cured, or that you cover yourself in glory?"

"I did not mean it that way. That he be cured, of course."

"And that was accomplished. So why are you thinking of leaving?"

"Because I keep covering myself in disgrace!"

"Oh? As you did when you saved the girl from drowning?"

"She was in no danger. You know that!"

"She was in danger, in fact. That I know. And you did not know that she was in no danger."

"I did not think!"

"And if you had thought, and she was in danger--as she was--would you have acted fast enough so that in fact the danger was averted?"

"But I can claim no credit for that!"

"Then can you claim blame for this? Fear not. Try to try. That is all I ask. And if you fail, I am not unhappy. And I will tell you a secret. If you try and you do fail, my Father will see to it that it is better thus."

Nathanael looked at him, half with hope and half with skepticism. "Even with Samuel?"

"Even there. And you will learn this soon after I fail."

"You? You?"

"Fear not, Nathanael All will be well. Fear nothing. Now come and join us and do not be silly."

The group walked along after that for a while by themselves for a change, since the crowds realized they had gone to Judea and were not expecting them back as yet. On the way, they paused, and Jesus, who was acting as if nothing had happened on the mountain, told them, "Attend carefully to this: The Son of Man is going to be surrendered into human hands, and they will kill him; and on the third day after that, he will return to life."

Was this the "failure" that he referred to? That he would actually be killed? But he said "Fear not." How could he not fear after this? Of course, he said that he would return to life, but what did that mean?

Nathanael was frantic. He had to discuss this with someone. Matthew was no help; he had not been with them long enough. John, perhaps. He had been there on the mountain with Jesus. But when he approached John, he said, "I understand nothing of it! I hope and hope that it is some kind of figure of speech, but if it is, I cannot imagine what it means. I know not, Nathanael."

"And--I know that you cannot speak of what happened on the mountain, but did that help in this?"

"Not at all. If anything, it made it very unlikely. But I cannot say that it made it impossible! I know nothing! Nothing!"

And he obviously did not want to say more. Nathanael next asked Judas, who said, "I fear he means what he says, Bartholomew. I fear it greatly. He has not mollified the authorities, and they can be--adamant--in certain respects, especially about blasphemy. And they think he has, if not actually blasphemed, come very close. Very close."

"But what of this statement that he will return to life in three days?" Nathanael was desperately hoping that this would somehow mean that he would not actually die.

"Ah, well, that. I have a suspicion, Nathanael, that I would not like anyone to know of. But . . . You recall that when he drove the vendors out of the Temple he said, 'Destroy this Temple, and in three days I will rebuild it'?"

"I remember. I could not make head or tail of it."

"Nor I. But remember, he was pounding his chest with his hand when he said it. I think the 'three days' is significant; he has some kind of fixation on three days."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you see . . . Jonah was in the fish three days, was he not, and then emerged?"

"What has that to do with it?"

"What I think is this: I told you that it seems to me that the Activity that created the universe is acting through him. Well, I believe It--or 'He,' if you prefer--is possessing more and more of Jesus's mind. He has begun calling himself the Son of God, just as that fool Simon the Rock did, rather than a son of God. We are all sons of God in a sense; we are created in his image, as Genesis says. But he is beginning to think that he is a literal Son of God: God from God, so to speak."

"You are saying that he thinks, because of his power, that he is God in some sense."

"You will notice that he does not call himself the Father; but I believe he is thinking of himself as God the Son. But he is intelligent enough--intelligent enough! He is far more intelligent than any other human being!--to realize that the Judean authorities are going to consider this blasphemy. He does not, because he thinks it is true; but he knows what they think, and he does not see a way he can convince them otherwise. He thinks they will kill him."

"No!"

"I greatly fear so."

"And then he will come back to life on the third day to prove that he was right and they were wrong."

"That, Nathanael, is what I am convinced he thinks. And of course, if he is God the Son, he will do so. But--" and he did not finish the sentence.

"You think he is mistaken."

"Tragically mistaken. The Activity that is possessing him has been driving him mad."

"Unless he really is God the Son."

"Yes, but you can see, I hope, that this is absurd. God is a spirit, not something with flesh and bones."

"I see," said Nathanael. He did not wish to enter a disputation with Judas, and so, after making the usual polite noises, the two went their own way.

Judas's position was eminently rational. But were they dealing with something that was rational here? Not that what Jesus was was irrational, but if he was what he said--and apparently thought--he was, then he was beyond mere reason, which dealt with the ordinary things of earth. Could not God "empty himself" into the limitations of humanity? Who was to say nay?

And perhaps God--the one whose very name one dared not pronounce--was "one" in a sense that allowed some kind of distinction? It sounded absurd.

On the other hand . . . He is a Spirit, like our thoughts, not like something material. And I know now what my thought now is; I not only know what I know, I know that I know it. My thought, in a sense is two, but at the same time is only one. If my own thoughts can be one-and-more-than-one, then why cannot there be something like that about God?

. . . But that still meant that Jesus would literally be killed, and if he is God, he would bring himself back--or the Father would bring him back, which would amount to the same thing if they were one--on the third day. If.

And if not? What would any of them do?

"Master, I think my thinking is changing. Now if only I can trust! Help my unbelief!"

"Fear not; I have been helping," said Jesus, coming up behind him. "You have come far, Nathanael. Fear not."

"Master! Again!" said Nathanael, his face flaming.

"Well, I find that my timid soul might be in a condition where he needs a bit of watching, especially if he is trying to make sense out of everything--and is not convinced that he has made sense out of everything. Be not afraid. It will be difficult, but you will survive. You will see. All will be well."

"I wish I could believe that!"

"You can. Fear not."

The next day, they crossed the "sea" for some reason, this time all of them in Simon Rock's boat, which his father lent him for the day; it was large enough so that all twelve of them fit comfortably on benches on the sides (the center was for practical purposes empty for the casks that held the fish they had caught in water until they reached the shore. Jesus sat on the bench in the stern, which had a cushion on it, making it a kind of couch, and then, saying he would take a bit of a rest, lay down and fell asleep, his head near Nathanael, who was on the side toward the stern.

Nathanael hated being out in a boat, especially after what he had seen with Thomas and Samuel. Most of the others, of course, being fishermen, had no trouble, and glanced with amusement Nathanael, sweating and gripping the gunwale with white knuckles. He felt reassured somewhat with Jesus there right beside him; but the fact that he was asleep made him nervous.

To make matters worse, a storm looked as if it would come up; the sky darkened, and the wind rose. Then the rain came and the lightning, and the wind blew a fierce gale, and the boat rocked fiercely, terrifying Nathanael, who now held on to the gunwale at the side and the stern, praying that Jesus would waken and steady the boat somehow. But he slept on.

Finally, water began slopping over the sides, and two of the men who were not rowing began bailing. It seemed to be getting worse and worse, and Jesus slept on.

Nathanael could bear it no longer, and in panic, he cried out to Jesus, "Master, does it not bother you that we are going to drown?"

Jesus woke, looked out at the storm, and said, "Be quiet! Calm yourself!" and suddenly, the wind dropped and all was still.

He looked at Nathanael, and with a mock-stern voice, but a smile on his face, said, "Why did you doubt, you people who have so little faith?"

"What sort of a man is this?" said James to John, who was beside him at the oars, as they looked up at the blue sky. "Even the wind and the sea obey him!"

Jesus, as he lay down again, said in an undertone to Nathanael, "You did have faith that I could do something; but why did you think that I had to be awake? Your faith is still only the size of a mustard seed. But it has been planted; it will grow--and consider the size of the mustard plant. Fear not."