Fifteen

For the next few days, Matthew accompanied Jesus during the day, listening to him announce among the cities and towns of Galilee that the reign of God was about to start, and urging the people to change their way of thinking. There were, as usual, a number of cures, but nothing as spectacular as the restoration of David to life.

But since Matthew was deathly afraid he would have to give up his wealth if he were to be a follower of Jesus, he could not bring himself as yet to admit that he would continue in the group (whose members also were not fully convinced that he was a positive addition); and so he decided to return to his house every night, often accompanied by David, who seemed to have formed an attachment to him.

Matthew realized that soon he would have to make up his mind about this new life, but the thought of giving up his house and all his possessions kept being too much for him. He was actually waiting for something that would push him over the edge one way or the other, though he could not imagine what it would be.

About four days after the feast, when he arrived at the camp, Jesus took him aside and said, "My father died in his sleep last night. I have asked a few people to accompany me today to the grave to say farewell to him, and I would appreciate it if you would be one of them." Matthew said that of course he would come, and expressed condolences, at which Jesus answered, "He knew that after he had spoken with you, Matthew, he had completed all the tasks that were left him on this side of the grave, and he was eager to begin the tasks that faced him on the other. He is (he used the present tense) a worker, and the enforced idleness of these last few months disturbed him greatly. Last evening, when I left him, he said, 'May I go now, please?'"

Matthew mentally finished the thought, "And so you let him go." It was a strange, strange world. Matthew felt uneasy that Jesus had seemed to set him apart for some special task of his own, probably of being the chronicler of his life and career, and he did not feel up to it--though Jesus had said nothing explicit. But what could Joseph's informing him of the origin of Jesus have meant but this?

He decided that soon he should begin keeping brief notes of what Jesus did and said. Everything was coming together too fast to trust even his sharp memory to keep it sorted out.

In any case, that evening, Matthew went with Jesus, his mother, and a few of his other students, among them Simon the brother of Andrew and the two brothers James and young John. Andrew, whose size and deep voice gave him a natural authority, was to be a kind of supervisor of the rest of the group, who were asked to stay behind, so as not to cause a commotion at the burial, which Jesus wished to be quiet and private.

Neither he nor his mother appeared to be in great sorrow, which Matthew could understand, given what the situation was--or at least, what they believed it was. Matthew could not yet wrap his mind around the idea that this was in fact God Almighty that he was looking at and touching and speaking to as almost just another man, and that his mother had actually been the bride of the Supreme Being. It was unthinkable. God is no Jupiter to have sex with attractive women.

Even mentioning it to himself made it all but disgusting. It was impossible. Ridiculous. Absurd. But as soon as he would conclude this, the questions would come: How then could Jesus do the things that he did? How could he know what he knew? And most of all, from Matthew's point of view, at least, how could he have made those dogs so fond of him? That even seemed to surpass raising David back to life, since he might not really have been dead. But Matthew knew those dogs.

There was a lull in the preaching after that, though it would be hard to call it a period of mourning, when the two principals were so obviously convinced that all was well, and that Joseph was far better off than he had been in his happiest days previously. The mother went home, of course, and Jesus and his followers simply wandered over the fields, contemplating the landscape and talking among themselves.

One day, they happened to be up the hill near Cana, and one of the officials from Capernaum that Matthew knew, accompanied, interestingly enough, by the soldier Longinus, approached Jesus and begged him to go down with him to the city and cure his son, who was very ill and about to die.

"You people!" said Jesus. "Unless you have proof and see miracles, you do not believe!" Matthew was somewhat surprised at this, which sounded rather harsh. Was it because the period of mourning for Joseph had not ended and he did not want to be enlisted once again in his role of miracle-worker yet, or was it to goad the official into a real act of faith?

It seemed the latter. "Master, please!" he said. "Go down before my son dies!"

Jesus looked at him, stroked the beard on his chin, and answered, "You may go. Your son will live."

The man opened his mouth as if to make a protest; but closed it when he looked into Jesus' face, thinking better of it, and turned and left.

Longinus had noticed Matthew in the group, but had no opportunity to speak to him before he had to accompany his commander back to Capernaum. He gave a glance back as he pivoted to go.

The next day, Longinus returned alone, finding Jesus, to whom he gave a rather substantial gift from the father, remarking that the father had met a slave on the way home, who told him that the fever had left his son, and he wanted to waste no time in thanking him for restoring him to health. He had himself continued to his house to be with his son. Jesus accepted the gift, and handed it over to Judas for the group.

Longinus then sought out Matthew, and said, "When the slave met us, he said that the fever had left around noon yesterday--the very hour Jesus had said he would recover. Ezra had been of two minds up to that point; he left here partly because he believed that Jesus had cured his son, but partly because he was a fraud and the errand was hopeless. But when he heard the time, he sent me back at once, with the gift he had prepared beforehand in case he could persuade Jesus to come with him. He is convinced that Jesus did it. Did he?"

"You know as much as I," answered Matthew. "It could be a coincidence, of course; but I have seen a great number of such 'coincidences,' and it becomes less and less easy to think of it as happy chance."

"He has some sort of power, then, you think? It must be significant (he fought to find the word) if he can do it at a distance."

"To me, there is no question of it; and yes, it is 'significant,' as you put it, if he has any power at all."

"I ask because--your friend--continues to have an interest in him, as to whether he might become a threat to Rome."

"As far as I can tell, Rome is perfectly safe. There is one of our number who seems convinced that he is going to start an insurrection eventually; but I have seen no sign of it from Jesus himself, and I must say that if he is recruiting an army, he is doing an extremely poor job of it. No, I think that my friend can set his mind at ease. The Pharisees and law-experts are another matter. They are beside themselves."

"Why is that?"

"Well, he is not following their interpretation of the Law, although there is nothing actually in the Law that he has definitely contravened--at least as yet, as far as I have been able to determine. It drives them wild. I have already heard them accuse him of blasphemy, and if they could prove it, they could stone him to death. I think they would gladly do so, if the people would stand for it."

"I think I might report that. Rome would not be too happy if the country is torn apart by religious strife, even if there is no direct animus against us."

"Yes, but even here I would not concern myself. There is really nothing they can do unless they can find some clear command that he is violating; the people would not allow it."

"I think, however, that I will let your friend take all this into account. This country is hard enough to govern as it is. I suspect, by the way, that I might be moving to Judea in a while, to be nearer your friend. I sniff a promotion in the distance because of all this."

"You do whatever you think you must do."

"I may, of course, be here for some little while yet. We shall see."

"Well, Longinus, I wish you well."

"And I you, Levi-Matthew, in your new life."

"If it lasts."

"Oh, it will. You are hardly a fanatic, but I see the signs."

"Well, we shall see about that also." And the soldier left, humming quietly in his cheerful way.

That night Jesus excused himself from the group and went up to pray on a mountain overlooking the "Sea" of Galilee from the north. The others stayed back halfway up (because on these occasions Jesus wished for privacy), on a kind of saddle that was still rather high. Matthew elected to remain with them and try out how it felt to be camping for the night, especially since he had no idea how soon Jesus would join them, and what would happen when he did.

It was becoming harder and harder for him to believe that he would not continue as a student of Jesus--though when he actually contemplated it, panic still constricted his heart. Yet what else could he do now?

David, as usual, slept beside him that night, saying practically nothing, as was his wont. Matthew could not understand what David saw in him, but there was no question that he considered him a special companion for some reason--much more of a companion than his mother. He had said, "I am a man now (which was barely true), and it is time for me to be on my own. She is well taken care of here." Matthew could hardly fault him for this, given that he had run away from his own mother much earlier in life than David, who was, technically, a man.

Still, it was disconcerting. Matthew found he could not move without being aware that David's eyes were on him, almost as if he were waiting for him to do something. He knew that Matthew was still vacillating; how could anyone not have known? Perhaps he was waiting to see what side Matthew would take, and use that for guidance in his own life, Certainly, the boy always seemed friendly enough. Or perhaps it was simply that Matthew was the first person that he noticed on coming back to life, and that Matthew seemed to treat him as a human being and not a curiosity.

The following morning, shortly after dawn, Jesus came down from the heights, looking refreshed (though some of the students claimed that on nights such as this he prayed the whole time, silently, without sleeping at all). He called over a small group of twelve, Matthew finding to his surprise that he was one of them, and told them that if they were willing, they were to be his emissaries to the various towns of the area. "It is time for the good news about the reign of God to spread more rapidly than I can manage by myself. You will represent me, not only by announcing what you have basically heard me say, but also by confirming by signs similar to mine that the world is indeed about to undergo a change. I will begin to spell out rather more explicitly what the reign of God will be like; you will see. I will give you instructions later on what you are to do."

Everyone in the little group agreed. Matthew was not surprised to find among them Simon and his brother Andrew, and the two sons of Zebedee (both sets of brothers, apparently, had been partners in a fishing business that was quite successful, and had met Jesus during the time Matthew saw him with John as he bathed the people back in Judea). It was also a foregone conclusion that the group's treasurer, Judas, was there, and it was perhaps predictable to find the enigmatic, if somewhat languid, Nathanael.

But Matthew raised an eyebrow when Philip, the rather naive young man with the Greek name, was mentioned; he had already seen a joke or two being played on him, which he seemed to take in much better part than Matthew would have. And speaking of himself, if he was to be the chronicler this would make sense, and Thomas was perhaps an obvious choice also. But the other James, the other Judas, and especially the other Simon, the revolutionary, did not seem to have anything to recommend them. Of course, when it came to that, Matthew thought, what had he to recommend himself, given the life he had lived? The Master had his own ideas about things, and could possibly see into the future more clearly than anyone else who ever lived.

A number of people of the area knew where the group was, and as was their custom, they began to gather round on the saddle of the hill, bringing their sick and crippled for him to cure--which he did, spending the morning at it.

Around noon, he went back up the mountain a short way, with by now quite a throng of people on the saddle below him, in a kind of natural amphitheater. He stood up and held up his hands to catch their attention and said,

"You have asked about the reign of God and how you are to change your way of thinking. Attend, then: It is a blessing for you to be poor, because then you have God for your king; it is a blessing for you to be hungry now, because then you will have your fill. It is a blessing for you to suffer now, because you will find happiness. It is a blessing for you when people hate you and drive you away, and ostracize you; on the day this happens, leap about for joy, because you have a great reward in heaven; your enemies ancestors did the same to the prophets.

"But it is a curse to be rich, because you have your comfort here now; it is a curse to be full now, because then you will be hungry; it is a curse that you enjoy life now, because then you will suffer; and it is a curse to have everyone speak well of you, because their ancestors praised the false prophets in the same way." He paused to let what he had said sink in.

Matthew could see that this would be important, and so he took out some papyrus that he had prepared for note-taking and with a feather and a little inkwell he carried for this purpose, began jotting down notes.

The people were deadly silent, gaping in astonishment. What could he mean? How could it be a blessing to suffer and a curse to enjoy life? Matthew heard one of them say, "This is insane!" and the other answered, "Then we should cause people to be poor and hungry, and do them a favor? It makes no sense." Matthew himself thought back to the time when he was desperately poor and suffering, and had cursed God because of it. How could it be a blessing?

Jesus went on, "You heard it said, 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth'; but I tell those of you who can hear it, love your enemies and do good to the ones who hate you; pray for those who threaten you. If someone slaps your cheek, turn the other one for him to slap; if he takes your cloak, give him your tunic as well. Give to everyone who asks, and if someone takes what is yours, do not demand it back. In short, do to everyone else what you would have them do to you." Another pause.

"This is not an explanation of the Law. This is something he has made up." "Who does he think he is? Another Moses?" The listeners began a lively discussion among themselves at how Jesus was apparently teaching them on his own authority, and not like the Scripture scholars. Some scoffed at it, but other said, "If he does not have God behind him, how can he do what he does? You saw that man simply get up and walk when he merely touched him!"

As if he had heard them, Jesus continued, "Do not think that I have come to do away with the Law and the prophets; I have come to fulfill them, not abolish them. I tell you this: as long as heaven and earth last, not the dot on one i or the cross on one t will be removed from the Law--not until everything is all over. And so if any man sets aside the least command in the Law, he will have the lowest place when God begins his reign, and anyone who keeps the Law and teaches others to do so will rank high God's kingdom. In fact, unless you show that you are better than the Pharisees and Scripture scholars, you will not even enter God's kingdom."

"I am not too certain that I wish to be in such a kingdom," said a man next to Matthew. "We have burdens enough already."

But Jesus continued, "And do not be evaluating others' conduct, or your own conduct will be evaluated. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and things will be given to you--good measure, tamped down, and overflowing will be poured into your pocket; because the standard you use for measuring others will be the standard you are measured by. How is it you can see a speck in your brother's eye and not notice the board in your own? You fraud; take the board out of your own eye before you presume to take the speck from your brother's."

"That, at least makes sense," said one. "Treat everyone fairly." "Yes," said another, "but then why not slap the person who has slapped you? That is what is fair to my way of thinking, as well as the other." "It is not the same thing," said the first. "I see no difference," was the answer. Matthew could understand his point, and so what Jesus was saying puzzled him greatly. This reign of God was definitely going to require a new way of looking at things; and Matthew did not know if he was up to it.

He was so lost in thought that he missed some of what Jesus was saying, but he was brought up short by, "Why do you call me 'Master! Master!' and not do what I say? I will tell you what a person who comes to me and listens to what I say and puts it into practice is like: he is like a man who was building a house, and dug deep and laid its foundation on bedrock; and when the flood came, the river burst on that house, and it withstood it, because it was built on rock. But the one who hears me and does not act on it is like a man building his house on sand. The river rose, and the house collapsed into a heap of rubble."

Matthew felt that as if he had directed this peroration at him. How long was he to listen and do nothing? But again, the terror at what he had to do--to make himself poor, which Jesus had just called a 'blessing,' made him break out in a sweat. His whole life had been a desperate attempt to escape just this.

Jesus, in any case, had finished his speech; and it was evident that by this time the people had had quite enough. Most went away, shaking their heads, all with bewilderment, some with open disbelief, and others with scorn. Even the rest of the twelve "emissaries" were shaken to the core.

Matthew decided that if he was to be the group's scribe, as seemed likely, he perhaps should take the liberty of approaching Jesus and asking him to clarify himself. The others were too puzzled, and it must be said, troubled, to dare to ask him any questions.

"Master," said Matthew, "when I was young and poor, my poverty made me curse God; it drove me wild with envy that others were living comfortable lives and I had to suffer. How could that have been a blessing?"

"The secret of all that I have been saying," answered Jesus, "is in the attitude one takes; it is the way of thinking that puts one under God's rule. You were poor, and railed at what you did not have. Have you not seen poor people who seemed not discontented because of their poverty? Who had no envy of those better off than they?"

"To be sure I have," said Matthew, "but--" he wanted to say more, but could not think how to phrase it.

"The ones I speak of know that the life they now live is not the one that matters. That is why it is a curse to be rich; one is comfortable for an eyeblink, but one is facing an eternity afterwards.

"It is a question of the spirit in which one takes his life. If, for instance, one does not think of himself as important, then everything I have said makes sense. This is a severe task, I grant. But, you see, for the Father, you are not important. He loves you because he loves you, not because there is anything lovable about you; he needs nothing from you; nor does he want anything; he simply wishes you to be whatever you wish to be."

"Even if I wish to destroy my life?"

"You cannot make him unhappy by doing so, if that is your will, because he created you free precisely so that you could do your will for yourself; and he cannot be unhappy in any case. There are those who try to bribe the Father by saying, 'If you do not give me this or that, I will sin and ruin my life, and then you will be sorry. But that is futile; God will not be 'sorry,' in the sense of distressed or saddened. One cannot threaten God. It is in this sense that you have no importance to the Father. His love will help you be whatever you wish to be; and it is better for you that you wish to be better. Do you follow?"

"I can see what you are saying, I think, but it is not the way I conceive God."

"Have you not read, 'My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are my ways your ways.'?"

"I did read it when I was studying, but I had no idea what it really meant."

"When God becomes king, we must all begin to think as he thinks, and not try to pretend that he thinks as humans do."

"And so it is really a blessing to be poor."

"It can be, if one has the proper way of looking at it."

"This thought occurred to me also. Can you also mean that when God rules us, none of us will suffer any longer, that you will abolish suffering; and so comparing our condition with others is a futile endeavor? You seem to be indicating this by what you do for the suffering now; it looks as if when God becomes king, it will all vanish. And so it is a waste of time for us to envy others. Am I correct?"

"That is part of it. You can see deeper into things than most, Matthew; it is one reason why I chose you. But comparing oneself with others is futile even now. You know not how anyone else feels. Some of the richest people are in fact the most miserable, and kings are often the least free of all, since they go about in fear of being killed at any moment. You know not what another person's life is as he lives it. Live your own life. God loves you infinitely; you have seen it already. What do you have to be concerned about? Has he not taken care of you? Has he not freed you from what you considered your 'freedom' until it was pointed out that it was in fact a prison?"

"I do not understand."

"Exactly. That is why I keep saying that you must all change your way of thinking. It is not easy."

"That I can agree with."

"Do not be so worried. Have some trust."

"You sound like what Joseph kept being told: that he must have trust."

"And was it not wise of him to trust?"

"As it turned out, yes, I suppose. Your mother seemed to have no trouble on that score."

"Ah, well, she is unique. But you would do well to use her as your model."

"I will try, Master; that is all I can say."

"And that is all I ask. Remember this: I do not ask for success, but that you try."

"I suppose I might be able to manage that. I might."

Jesus laughed. "Well, then, try to try. Perhaps that will suffice."