Thirty-Eight

They slept, because no one had energy to do anything else, and then woke and existed once again--forever and ever. No one moved. Eating was unthinkable. They existed, and wished they did not.

There was a discussion, with Nicodemus, on whether they could go back to the tomb on the day after this Sabbath and anoint and bury him properly. Nicodemus began citing various authorities about the rules for burial, when Chusa's Joanna, of all people, broke in with, "Unless there is some explicit provision in the Torah against it, then it most certainly will be done!" When Nicodemus demurred and said, "Madame, it is not so simple," she cut him off with, "Give me none of your 'interpretations!' If you cannot find it in the very words of Moses, then I will hear none of it! Has not the Master himself said that these 'interpretations' have made the Law a prison instead of the joy it was supposed to be? Tell me not what your 'interpreters' think!" She actually silenced them! Joanna!

After an eternity, someone asked "Does anyone know what happened? Why he was condemned?" Nicodemus was about to speak, when John said, "I was there at the very beginning, when he was taken to the former High Priest Annas," and he told what he had seen, up to the trial.

Nicodemus then described the trial, and how they could not find any consistent evidence against him, until Caiaphas issued his command and Jesus told them he would be coming in the clouds of heaven, "Which was a quotation from Ezekiel indicating that he was divine, and he had referred to himself as 'I AM' just before it, so they found him guilty."

Philip broke in, "Why did they not stone him then and there?"

Thomas said, "I can answer that. Because there would have been a riot. They had to have him executed by Rome for several reasons: first, not to make it appear that they were the ones who did it, or we brave, dauntless, intrepid followers of his would--"

"You ran off as fast as anyone else!" cried Philip.

"I am all too painfully aware of that," he replied. "They had nothing whatever to fear from us, as was so blatantly demonstrated; but they did not know that. Second, they had to discredit him; and stoning would make him look like one of the other prophets, and would certainly not endear them to the people who had heard him denounce them as the descendants of those who had stoned his predecessors. But crucifixion--well, you saw it, and you heard what people were saying. How could anyone respect a person who had been through that? How could anything he said carry any authority after everyone saw him hanging there, stark naked! Pleading for a drop of water! I cannot bear it!" He was merely echoing what everyone was thinking.

He paused and took a breath. "You see? It was brilliantly done. The whole council would be in favor of it, because he had shown to their faces that he was a blasphemer--"

"He was not a blasphemer! It was true! He is the Son of God! Still!" cried Philip.

"You believe that, and, in spite of what you think, so do I--I think--I know not. I know nothing now. Pleading for a drink! . . . But you see my point. If even we doubt it because we saw him there, how would anyone else ever be convinced?"

"He will come back! He said he would! How can you doubt?"

"Philip, Philip, do not--it is time to grow up, Philip. You will finish by giving these poor women hysterical illusions. His spirit will return, and when we recover from this ghastly time--if it is ever possible--we, at least, will be able to live by his precepts, and that will return him to life in us. That was what he meant. Did he not pray that we were to be one thing in him, just as he was one thing in the Father? And that he would be in us just as the Father was in him? That is the return to life that he promised. We need conjure up no mad visions of him walking about to compound the horror of what we have been through."

"It is not a mad vision! He will return. You are the ones who are mad! How can you say such things?"

"Philip, he himself said that he was leaving to send us his Spirit from the Father."

"And he said he would come back! He said it!"

"--I cannot bear more of this. I am leaving. --Fear not, Nicodemus, I will not go father than a Sabbath's walk. But I will go mad if I stay here another instant!"

Philip looked at him with a mixture of anger and disdain, but said nothing further. He left.

"I know where he is going," said Nathanael, shaking his head sadly. "I am tempted to go myself."

Ezra came and sat by him, a darker shadow in the dim room. Neither had anything to say.

And nothing happened.

John woke to stirrings in the room. The women, who had, he vaguely remembered, prepared the burial spices and water and cloths, were about to leave to bury Jesus. It was the first light of dawn.

To bury Jesus.

He noticed that Mary of Magdala went out after the others. To watch? What did she know of womanly chores? What difference did it make?

The Rock nodded to John, and they also left. John was definitely in no hurry, but the Rock was walking fast, and so he had to keep up. He did not want to see the tomb again--he was afraid that it would be as he left it, and it was now the third day, and he did not want to know.

Suddenly Mary Magdalene came running back, and when she saw them, she panted, "They have taken the Master out of the tomb! And we know not where they have put him!" She made as if to run on to the others in the upper room, but then realized that she had given her report to the two important ones, and stood there, irresolute.

The Rock and John ran off to the tomb. John was younger and in better condition than the Rock, and arrived there first. The stone was indeed rolled away. Where were the women? Where were the guards? What had happened?

He went up to the tomb, and looked inside. It was empty, as Mary had said. The shroud he had been wrapped in was there, lying on the floor--and there, off in a corner, was the cloth that had bound his head. Why did they take his body after unwrapping it? Was someone else planning to give him a proper burial? But who? And when had he come?

By this time, the Rock, panting heavily, had come up to the tomb's entrance with John. John pointed inside, and the Rock went in, blocking out the light briefly. John then went in himself and picked up the shroud--which, when he held it in the ray of sunlight that came in the entrance, seemed to have a faint image of Jesus upon it! A strange one, but it was almost recognizable, if backwards, somehow.

He showed it to the Rock, who said, "What could this possibly mean?"

And then it began to dawn on the two of them that he had not been taken out; he had walked out, somehow through his shroud, leaving his mark upon it as a sign that he had done so!

He must have been the one who rolled the stone back and doubtless frightened the guards, who had left their post! Because there was a guard there! They had taken care to see that there was one! What would they say to their commander?

John and the Rock simply looked at each other, for a long time. John picked up the shroud--which would be a precious relic, evidence of Jesus's death and probably of his resurrection--and walked in a daze back to the upper room.

When they got there, they found that the women had been there before them, and the room was abuzz with their story that there was an earthquake that moved the stone away and stunned the guards.

"And then we saw this huge man--"

"It was an angel! He was all in white, and he glowed brighter than the sun that was rising behind him!" said another.

The first went on, "And he said, 'Fear not. I know you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has come back to life, as he predicted. Come up and see the place where he had been laid, and then tell his students that he has returned to life and will go ahead of you into Galilee!"

"And we hurried back, and there he was, on the way! And we fell down before him, and he told us to tell his brothers--"

"That was what he called you!"

The speaker frowned at the interruption, and went on "That he had come back to life! And there was something about Galilee!"

"I think he said he was going there, or that we would meet him there, or some such thing. I was too excited to think! Imagine! We actually saw him!"

At this point Mary Magdalene came in. "I was not with the others," she said. "I saw--oh, there you are!--and walked back to the tomb after you ran there, and you were gone when I left. I sat there, looking in, wondering what they had done with him, and then there were two men in white inside the tomb that I had not noticed, and one said to me, 'Why are you crying, Madame?'

"I said, 'Because they have taken my Master away, and I know not where they have put him.' And then there was a man behind me, and he asked me also why I was crying. I thought he was the gardener, and, without looking at him, I said, 'Oh sir, if you are the one who took him from here, tell me where you put him and let me have him!'

"And he laughed! at me! And then said, 'Mary!' and I realized it was the Master, and I embraced his legs. And he said, 'Now do not be hanging on! I have not risen to my Father just yet! Besides, I want you to go to my--brothers--nd tell them that I am going to go up to my Father and your Father and my God and your God!' And he vanished. But he had the marks of the nails in his hands and feet! So I came as quickly as it could."

John went over to Mary, who also had seen him, judging by her expression, though no one observed the encounter, which had to have taken place in the room, since she had never left it. But she was radiant with joy, and when he looked quizzically at her, she said, "Yes, it is true."

Still there was no sign of Jesus--certainly not of a physical Jesus--in the room where they all were, that whole day, and as it wore on, the men especially, began to think that the women were just being hysterical. Mary was not given to hysterics, but these were strange times. But if they were not, where was Jesus?

"Peace to you," came his voice, and he was suddenly among them. The door was locked.

They stared, dumbfounded. He showed them his hands, with the--healed--holes going through them, and his feet, and then bared his side to show the gash in it. Somehow, the wounds looked beautiful. It was the magic moment of all magic moments. He was--different, somehow, though it was clearly Jesus. In a way, he was unrecognizable, though it was clearly he; he was as different from the way he had been three days ago, before this whole horror, as a child is different from the adult. But just as the child shines through the adult, and the adult appears as the fulfillment of the child, however different he may be from what he was, Jesus was now his true self, what his earlier self gave promise of.

Everyone was still incredulous. Finally, Jesus said, "Touch me. Ghosts do not have flesh and blood, as you see I have. Here; do you have something to eat?" No one dared to touch him, but one of the students diffidently handed him a cooked fish, which he ate in front of them.

And then he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Sacred Breath, the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone's sins, they are gone from him; if you hold him to them, they are still with him." And he vanished.

So now we had the power from then on to forgive sins! thought John. And we also--those of us at the last meal--had the power to bring Jesus to everyone as food, and have them also live the life of Jesus! Because he said he was going to his Father. He will not be with us always; this is part of our punishment for rejecting him.

But he said he would meet us in Galilee. So he will be with us for a while, at least. He has to teach us what we need to know in the future. We will remain as his Emissaries, and--who knows--ordain successors to ourselves, for the rest of the time the world exists.

Ezra was conferring with Nathanael, evidently about Thomas, who was not there. Ezra finally said audibly, "You must go! You must! Or he will kill himself! And now he need not! You must!"

"Ezra, I--I cannot! I could not bear to face him that way again!"

"What? Will you be the death of both of them?"

Nathanael shrank as if stabbed, and then turned and left the room.

What was this? Was Nathanael also in some way responsible for Samuel's death?

Ezra looked rather wistfully over at John, but John was too taken by this new mystery to pay much attention. He decided he would go out by himself in the night and walk off the excitement of the day.

It was too much for the human constitution, he mused as he went out under the almost-full moon that blotted out all but the brightest of the stars. First that unbearable horror of the crucifixion, and trying to comfort the Mother--who did more to comfort me than I her--and then his willing her to be my Mother also. How incredibly thoughtful of him, in his agony!

He pondered that without thought for a long time. Then there was the fear as he went to the tomb, and the mystery at finding the shroud--with his picture on it! How like him!--he wondered if all corpses left an image of themselves on the shroud they were buried in. He doubted it. This was a gift for when he had gone away permanently.

And then his appearance among them, as if nothing had happened. And how different he was! But how the same! It was all too much to take in.

"John."

"Who?" The voice was familiar. "Samuel! You also!"

"I have been sent to you and to Thomas, and to our father, and to Nathanael. You are the last, before I return. I was allowed to tell you that I could not be happier about what happened to me."

"Happier?"

"You see, I was frantic about Thomas. He was destroying himself, and he was obviously cut out for greater things than being a mere fisherman. But I knew not how I could save him. You remember I told you I would give my life for him?"

"I remember all too well!"

"Well, it turned out that only by my death and his disgrace would he have a life that he deserved. I lost nothing; I had a bump on my head, and then every wish I had was fulfilled, including the one of filling you with some share in my happiness. My life is absolutely complete; I would change nothing about it. Nothing! Your mistaken advice to me turned out to be exactly what saved Thomas!"

"I cannot believe it!"

"It is true. I can see what would have happened had I not died. It would have been a miserable existence, not only for Thomas, but for me--and for you, who would have had to put up with my misery, though you loved me. Then share my joy!"

"Then Thomas will come back."

"Nathanael will manage to bring him. He now thinks that he is having another drunken hallucination--and for the moment, he believes that Nathanael and you are also deluded--but he will be back within the week."

"What does Nathanael have to do with all this?"

"Oh, Nathanael saw the fight we had, and was afraid to jump in to save me when I fell under the boat. Thank God he was! If he had saved me, I would have lost the use of my right side because I would have been nearly dead--and--it would have been horrible! Worse than if I had not followed your advice! No, everything happened for the best."

"I cannot believe it!"

"Nonsense! Of course you can! The Father loves us and wants only what is best for us, unless we ourselves are determined to have what is bad for us."

Immediately, Judas came to mind. "You mean, like Judas?"

"I had no direct contact with Judas, and so I know not his fate. I know him only through what I know of Thomas and you, and so I know in general what happened, but that is something that will not be disclosed until the Last Day, I think. You might ask Jesus, but I believe he would give the same answer."

"It is wonderful to see you, Samuel. I cannot say you are just as I remember you, because you are so--much more you, somehow!"

"You have no idea, John! But one day, you will! And that day will last forever! And I will be with you, forever! You will see. Peace."

"Peace, Samuel." And he vanished.

John, elated walked around for a while, and then went back to the room, where Ezra met him. "Bartholomew is out finding Thomas," he said.

"I assumed that from what I heard of your conversation. Believe it or not, Samuel met me and told me that all would be well."

"I am so glad! I knew he would be able to do it."

"It may take him a while, from what I gathered from Samuel. But he will persuade him to return. Samuel told me that he thinks we are all seeing things, as he did when he was drunk."

"He would, of course."

"But he also saw Samuel--the real Samuel--again, as I did, and as I gather Nathanael did--and so did his father, and I think that will persuade him."

"His father saw him also?"

"That was what Samuel said."

"Did you know that his father said that until Samuel came out of the grave and told him that what Thomas did was the best that could have happened to him, he never wanted to see Thomas again?"

"Indeed? Well, that was exactly what Samuel said!"

"Hallelujah! Things can make sense, after all!"

"Not, perhaps the sense they would have made if Jesus had not been condemned, but the Father knows how to work things out, apparently."

Ezra looked at him. "John," he said.

"Yes?"

"You would not--you do not think you would change your mind?"

John looked lovingly at him. "Ezra, I am afraid--you know I would dearly love to do so, but the Master explained to me why it was wrong, and--and it is wrong, Ezra. I cannot."

He sighed. "I knew you would say that. It would not be you if you said anything else. I only asked because if you had said anything else, I would have changed my mind about going back to Africa. I can tell about the Master there. And do not be concerned about me. There are others--many others, you understand--but you are special."

"Ezra, I am so sorry!"

"Some day, I may--perhaps when I am too old to--but fear not. The Master loves me, and will find a way, somehow."

"I am sure he will."

"Well, I am sure that you will be great, my very good friend. And you will certainly be a prophet some day. I can see it in you."

John laughed. "I had almost forgotten. But who knows? You know I have a new mother?"

"Indeed?"

"Indeed. Jesus willed to me his mother. How blessed I am!"

"Then you certainly will be everything you want to be. I almost envy you."

"You will be what you wish to be also, Ezra. Ultimately. We all will be."

"All? Even Judas? I saw him die. He hanged himself."

John closed his eyes. "Jesus loved him, I know that. And died for him. He will be what he chose to be. I hope at the last minute he made the right choice."

"I am afraid I cannot agree with you there. I know he repented of what he did to Jesus, but--"

"He did? How do you know?"

"Oh, the fool threw the money they gave him into the Temple treasury. I was following him. I was going to--well, you know what I was planning to do with David, but before we got to him, he had brought out the rope, and we watched him choke himself to death. I suppose he had time then to repent of that but he was rather busy most of the time trying to breathe. It lasted quite a while. David was absolutely horrified, because he had also hanged himself.'

"He had? That was how he died?"

"So he knew about it first-hand, so to speak, as well as had a glimpse of what came afterward. Frankly, anything that came afterward was too good for him, as far as I am concerned."

"There is a part of me that wants to agree with you. But to have it prolonged to eternity!"

"Well, that may be another thing that some day I will be able to agree with. But just let me say that it has been not only a pleasure but an education to know you. I will remember you fondly in Africa; you will brighten my days there.

"And you brighten my life here and wherever the Master takes me, Ezra."

"Peace."

"Peace." They embraced.

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