Thirty-Two

They dispersed, thinking to go to the Mount of Olives, but as soon as they left the Temple precincts, there was Jesus, walking among them. John was nervous that he was going to be seen and captured, but of course Jesus had a way of not being noticed when he did not want to be noticed. Evidently, he had something more to do that day--and John wondered if he would be able to endure it. His head was spinning from everything that had occurred already.

They happened to pass a blind beggar, and Jesus stopped. Andrew asked how long he had been blind, and was told, "from birth." "Rabbi," he said, "if he was born blind, was he the one who sinned, or was it his parents?"

Jesus looked at him and answered, "It was no sin of his or his parents either." He stroked his beard. "It was to use him as a proof that God is really the one who is acting here. We have to do the deeds of the one who sent me while it is still day. The night is coming when no one can act. While I am in the world, I am the world's light."

John shook with fear when he heard this. "The night is coming! The night is coming when no one can act!" Dear God, it is going to happen, and apparently soon!

As he was thinking this, he saw Jesus spit on the ground and make mud with the saliva. He put this rather unwholesome mixture on the man's eyes, and said, "Now, go wash them off in the Siloam pool."

And the man left, and after a short time, came back shouting "Hallelujah! I can see!" He did not, of course, recognize Jesus, since he had never seen him before. He had never seen anything before, and was marveling at whatever his eyes looked upon. People began saying, "Is this not the one who used to sit here and beg?"

"No, it is only someone who looks like him."

"No, I am the one," he shouted.

"But how did you come to be able to see," said one in the crowd, looking at Jesus, who was right beside him.

"The man called Jesus made mud and rubbed it on my eyes," he answered. Jesus wore an amused smile. "And I washed it off, and I can see."

"Where is he?" they asked, looking at Jesus.

"I know not," he answered, looking around. Everyone laughed.

But a group of Pharisees caught him by the arm and took him rather roughly inside. After a while, someone emerged and asked where his parents were, and brought them in. They were there a considerable time, and finally, the man was shoved out the door with "So you will teach us our lessons, will you? You were born full of sin!"

Jesus stepped over to him, and asked, "Do you believe in the Son of Man?"

The man, who recognized Jesus's voice, answered in embarrassment at having seen him without knowing him, "Who is he, Master, and I will believe in him!"

"You have already seen him. He is the one speaking to you."

"Master, I believe!" he said, and fell to his knees.

Jesus put his hand on his back, and said, looking off into the distance, "I have come into the world to separate people. To give sight to the blind, and to blind those who can see."

One or two of the Pharisees who had come out to see what happened to the man said, "You mean, we are blind."

Jesus looked at them. "If you were blind, you would not be guilty of any sin. But when you say you can see, your sins stay fixed within you."

John was furious with them. How could they not see that only God could cure a man blind from birth? It was hopeless! They would kill him, as he predicted; they were too interested in their own self-preservation to even consider what the truth might be!

Jesus was talking about sheep and shepherds, but John was too filled with indignation to be able to follow him; he knew that whatever he said would make no impression on them at all. But Jesus was gathering another audience.

John suddenly heard, "--I am ready to give up my life, and then take it back again. No one is going to take it from me; I am giving it up of my own free will. I have the right to give it up, and I have the power to take it back. This is the command I have from my Father."

Then he would come back on the third day! He would! He and the Father were the same, and so he could do it! And he could preserve John also! And he would! Or he would rescue him if he fell!

Because John was deathly afraid that Ezra might approach him again, and he simply was not strong enough to reject him a second time.

"How is it," he said to himself, "that everything within me says that my success with Ezra is a failure--and my defeat by Judas seems so much like a victory! And my guilt is triumph, even when it is not really guilt! But could I not have stopped what happened? Or should I have challenged him in the first place, when the Master was--but I am forgiven! But why do I feel as if I do not deserve to be forgiven! Why do I want not to be forgiven, and to throw everything away, and beg Ezra to teach me all he knows! We could go away together! He would gladly do so, I am sure! Everything is upside down and inside out! I do not deserve to live!

"You are trusting in the wrong person," Jesus said. He was right beside him, and was speaking as if they had been conversing together all this while.

"Master!" said John, his face scarlet.

Jesus laughed. "John, John, I never said it would be easy. But I told you to trust in me. You have been relying on yourself just now, and you see what a frail reed you are to lean upon. Lean upon this oak tree."

"I try, Master. But sometimes I forget."

"I know. Let it not worry you. There is much to worry about, but there is no cause actually to worry. Even when I am asleep, as you discovered, I am here."

"But--but you will not be here always."

"Ah, is that what is the problem? Granted, you will pass through some difficult hours." and he looked away as if to say, "And so will I." He continued, "But know this: even when I am not with you, I will be with you."

"I do not understand."

"You will, when the time comes. Fear not."

"I will try, Master."

"We are going back to Galilee in a short time. If you see any of the others, tell them to make ready. I want the effect of the blind man to sink in before I return here."

John happened to notice Matthew, who had returned from somewhere, looking as if his soul had been shattered. He was about to go to him to tell him about the trip to Galilee, but Matthew was approached by Thomas, who had an expression on his face that mirrored his, and they talked for a while, before they parted, each shaking his head. "Dear God!" thought John. "Is everyone in as bad a state as I am?"

It was perhaps likely, he reflected. Jesus wanted his followers to rely on nothing but himself; and to do so, he kicked from under them every prop they had except himself. "--All the while telling us that he would be gone, leaving us with nothing! Nothing!" he said aloud. Except, as he said, that he would be there even when he was no longer there--whatever that might mean. "I do not understand it!" John shouted under his breath, half afraid that Jesus would appear and say, "I heard that!"

Like Matthew and Thomas, and how many others, John went to the garden to sleep. Or to pretend to sleep.

The next day, they traveled the hour-long walk over to Bethany, where Martha was busy preparing the meal, and Lazarus was not present, having told Martha to inform Jesus that pressing business had kept him in Jerusalem that night. John was skeptical. Clearly, it was not that he had discovered that his sister was the notorious Mary of Magdala, or there would have been a scene that would make the actors in the amphitheater at Caesarea proud. Most probably, he had begun to suspect that Jesus was becoming too controversial to be an asset, and wished to distance himself from him.

But the interesting thing was that Mary was not about either. She would hardly be expected to be bustling about as Martha was, but she must be in the house somewhere. Was Mary another one who had all her props knocked from under her? It looked as if every one of the students had begun to realize what "take up your own cross" really meant.

Jesus sat outside the house to wait for the dinner, and Mary's former slave Judith came out to speak to him briefly, and then said, "I will try," and ran inside.

Shortly afterward, Mary emerged, blinded by the sun, obviously staggering under her cross, even before her relatives had found out who she really was. Something else had happened in Bethany.

Finally, she noticed Jesus and sat down on the bench beside him, looking at the ground. Jesus began speaking to her, and at first she said not a word, and then made a few laconic replies, in a tone of complete and utter despair.

Suddenly, Martha came out and said, in a voice clearly meant to be overheard by everyone, "Master, does it not concern you that my sister has left me alone to take care of waiting upon you?"

"Martha, Martha," said Jesus. "So much is important to you, and you have so much on your mind. But there is only one thing that matters. Mary has chosen the better part, and it will not be taken away from her." --Yet, from her demeanor, it certainly appeared as if Mary had chosen the worst of all possible parts.

Martha looked indignantly at the two of them, and marched back into the house, muttering (also for all to hear) that unless someone took the worse part, those who chose the better part would do so on empty stomachs. Jesus laughed, and resumed his conversation.

Mary then began to be more and more earnest, and finally she cried, "Stop! Stop!" and covered her ears.

"Mary, Mary," said Jesus audibly, "you worry too much."

"Master," she pleaded, "listen to me! I am no one, I am dirt, but listen to me! If you say such things in public, they will kill you!"

"I know. It does not matter."

"It matters to me!" she almost shouted.

Jesus's voice dropped, and no one could make out what he said. It mattered to everyone, not least John.

Mary said again in a loud voice, "I do not want to be chosen!"

How much John himself longed not to be chosen--and to be free to go with Ezra, and--and what? Do something like what he had done with Judas, and feel the same loathing and disgust afterwards? No! To feel ten times the loathing, because this time it would be deliberate!

"How can I so desire my own degradation?" he asked himself. "Why do I want it so desperately that I would throw everything away for it? For even one moment of it?"

"Jesus, help me!" But Jesus was over there on the bench, helping Mary, who seemed anything but overjoyed or calmed by what he had been saying.

"It does not matter," he had said. It did not matter that they would kill him! Why was he going to allow this to happen? Why? And if that did not matter, what did matter? Nothing! John felt he was to be staring at nothing for the rest of his life--which might be short, he realized, because Jesus might not be crucified alone. "Dear God! I cannot bear it!"

But because one continues to breathe, one bears what one cannot bear. They returned to Galilee after that. Jesus had apparently accomplished whatever it was he wanted in Judea, including saving Mary from suicide, or whatever she was contemplating. It seemed that everyone was on the brink of suicide, especially poor Thomas. John heard from his father that Thomas's father had to be fired from the fishing business because he, of all people, was too drunk to be anything but a severe hindrance to it. "I hated to do it, John," he said, "but I hoped that it might wake him up. As it turned out, it did not. Poor Malachi! But what can one do?"

It seemed that Thomas and Ezra had also made an attempt to help Malachi, but it quite clearly had not worked. "And even that was partly my fault!" thought John. "If I had not given Samuel that stupid, stupid! advice, then he would still be alive, and this would never have happened in the first place! And now what can anyone do? Must Samuel appear to him also? It is too much! Everything is falling apart!"

Shortly after that, Ezra came to him, and gave him an embarrassed bow. John went over and hugged him--briefly--to show that he was his fond friend, even if it was to be merely a friend. "I understand you have been with Thomas," he said.

Ezra sighed. "Yes. Poor Thomas. His father--" he did not know how to finish the sentence.

"My father told me. How terribly, terribly sad."

"Well, it is not quite thus. You see, Thomas went and removed the curse from him--"

"He did! So he is cured?"

"Well, it was not quite so simple. You see, when he awoke, sober, and saw Thomas, he drove him away and essentially cursed him."

"How horrible!"

"And there was every probability that he would go right back to drinking himself into insensibility--he was almost at the state Thomas was--when I--you see, he knew me and was a friend of mine, and--and, well, I asked him if he intended to continue imitating Thomas."

"No!"

"It was the only thing that had a chance of working. I had to do it! And it did work! He swore that from that moment, the would drink nothing but water!"

"How--how dreadful! That he would do this out of hatred for his son!"

"Thomas is devastated. But he says, at least, that he is grateful that his father is sober. And also I saw Zebedee, and he is willing to take him back."

"Well, at least there is some good that came of it. And perhaps Thomas will some day be reconciled to his father."

"Jesus told him to pay attention to what happens to Lazarus, whatever that means."

"What does Lazarus have to do with it?"

"I have no idea. Except, of course, that he does not yet know that Mary Magdalene is his sister. It must be something connected with what happens when he finds out."

"I see. To keep the sky from falling then will be the miracle of miracles. If that can be reconciled, then anything can happen!"

"--By the way, there is one thing I have been wanting to tell you, but I have been too busy with Thomas."

"What is that?"

"You see, I happened to see from a distance the fight you had with Judas."

John closed his eyes in pain.

"You need not feel ashamed. It was obvious that Judas had studied fighting, and you simply fought when you were younger. My first owner not only trained us in giving pleasure, but he knew that we would be attacked, and so he trained us to fight also. I know what Judas did, you see."

"Well, at least that part of it was not something I am to blame for, then, I suppose."

"Not at all. Not any of it. But it was another thing that Judas did that infuriated me. And also, just before we came here to Galilee, he met Thomas, and slashed that wineskin he kept under his tunic, and ruined it, spilling everything on the ground."

"My God! He did not!"

"He did indeed. But--you remember that episode of the woman caught in adultery?"

"How well I remember it!"

"Well, Bartholomew and I had resolved to kill Judas, and Jesus wrote, 'Thou shalt not kill' and looked straight at us."

"He knew. He would."

"How could we have thought he would not?"

"So for some incredible reason, he does not want him killed."

"I know. I cannot understand it. But what could I do? But this was all too much! And shortly after the incident of the wineskin, I met Judas alone, and grabbed the front of his tunic, resolved that he would pay! And he said, 'What? First the little boy and now the man of coal? You wish to fight? Very well, strip, and I will teach you a lesson also!'

"We threw off our mantles and tunics, and squared off at each other. He tried the same maneuver he had with you, and I was ready for it--but I had had rather more experience than he, and it was not long before I was standing behind him, holding his arm in such a way that if I moved it up a bit, it would break.

"He knew enough to realize this, and so there we were: he in front of me, and I behind him. And then--well, let me say that I introduced myself where I was not welcome. Do you follow me?"

John, who understood too well, looked at him with horror.

"Now what I did can be a very enjoyable experience, if one knows how to receive someone thus, if I may so put it; but he apparently had no education in this sort of thing, and in that case, it is apt to be rather painful--very painful, if his--guest--is as large as I am.

"He screamed, and so I moved myself about to see if I could find a position he found more comfortable. But everything I did only seemed to make matters worse. Well, this went on for a considerable time--I have a good deal of self-restraint, and, in spite of the fact that I was enjoying myself a great deal, I wished to prolong the experience as much as possible."

John had his hand over his mouth in shock. Ezra gave him an amused look, and continued, "After a short time, I let his arm go, because he was beginning to collapse before me, begging me to stop--it was music to my ears--and I had to hold up his hips so that we could stay together. But eventually I grew rather tired; it is hard work, when all is said and done, and so finally, to let him know that I no longer had what you might call any hard feelings toward him, I left a little present inside him--actually, a rather large present--and let him fall groaning to the ground.

"You may have noticed that you did not see Judas for some days. He must have been unable to sit at all for at least a week, and probably could not walk for three or four days also."

He looked at John with one of his brilliant smiles, while John continued to stare at him with alarm. Suddenly, he let out a huge "Haw, haw!" and rushed over and embraced John, giving him an enormous smack of a kiss on his lips. He jumped back immediately and said, "I am sorry, I could not resist! If you could have seen that look of shocked innocence you have!"

John looked up at him with a scarlet face. "Fear not," said Ezra. "I will try nothing else. But it was just too much for me." He continued to laugh.

"I know not what to say!" said John.

"You need not say anything. You see, I know that I purr like a little kitty-cat all the time, because that is what I was trained to do. But I am really still a panther from the wilds of Africa underneath it all. And when someone pulls my tail, he finds that I have claws and teeth!"

"But he will kill you!"

"If he can. But I know swordplay and fighting with a dagger also. Not to mention that either David or I have an eye upon him at every moment. We are hoping to make a case so that Jesus will do something before it is too late."

"Well, I wish you luck on that. But I am convinced that Jesus knows what has been happening, and for some reason does not want him killed--or even out of the way."

"I know. I cannot understand it. But I will say this. I am sure that after that little encounter, he was afraid he was going to die. He will not. But if both David and I work on him again, he will wish he were killed!"

"Really, Ezra!"

"Fear not. I would never be a panther with you."

John almost--but not quite--felt a twinge of pity for Judas.

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