Thirty-Three

Then one day, some people who spoke Greek approached Philip (who, it turned out, by this time also spoke Greek fairly well) and asked if they could see Jesus. Philip, who did not feel up to doing anything on his own, sought out Andrew, who looked at him with some contempt, but then went with him to Jesus and told him who wished to speak to him.

Instead of answering, Jesus drew in his breath. "The time has come for the Son of Man to show what he really is!" he said, looking at the people who had come behind them, and beyond them to the blue sky. Then he looked round at those of the Twelve who were near him, and said, "Amen amen I tell you, if a grain of wheat does not fall to the ground and die, it remains alone; but if it dies, it multiplies itself many times over." He was on a step, and looked down at his students, loving them. "Anyone who cares about his life," he said, "will lose it, and anyone who hates his life in this world will save it for eternal life! And if anyone wants to be my slave, he is to follow me, so that my slave will be where I am; and then my Father will show respect for anyone who follows me."

It was a signal of some sort from the Father, the kind Jesus would ordinarily be stroking his beard from. But he had been waiting for this--or something like it--but the fact was that when he saw it, he knew that it was the end.

And he closed his eyes, as if in pain and anguish, and shook his head back and forth. "But now my soul is in turmoil. And what should I say? 'Father, rescue me from this moment'? --But I came just for this moment! Father, show how great your name is!" Like everyone else, he could not bear it!

And then the thunder spoke once again as it did before, when John bathed Jesus: "I have shown it, and I will show it again!"

"Did you hear that?" said some. "The thunder?" said others. "No, it was words!" "An angel was speaking to him!"

"That voice," said Jesus, "did not speak for my sake; it spoke for yours. The present moment is the crisis of the world! Now is the time when the ruler of this world will be driven into exile! And if I am lifted up off the ground"--and he held out his arms. The cross! For some reason this guaranteed that the end would be the cross!--"I will draw everyone to myself!" "Wait! Wait! Wait!" shouted the people. There were confused cries of, "We heard that the Prince will stay with us forever!" "How is it that you say this Son of Man is to be lifted up somewhere?" "Just who is this 'Son of Man'?"

"The light is with you for only a little while," said Jesus when he could be heard over the tumult. "Do your traveling while you have light, and do not let the darkness overtake you; people who travel in darkness do not know where they are going! And while you have the light, believe in the light, so that you will be children of light!"

Immediately the crowd broke into another uproar. Some were defending Jesus, and others kept saying, "Whenever we ask something sensible, he gives us poetry!"

Jesus slipped away in the confusion, and went back to Gethsemani. His disappearance was a signal for the students also to leave and meet him there.

Andrew dragged himself in his group to the garden. He had apparently given the people all the chance that they would be able to accept; any turning against him now would be a turning against themselves and against the whole world, and they would, at least to some extent, realize it. At the very least, they knew that Jesus was innocent; but with any further thought, they would know that he was God. It was something that they could not avoid, if they had their eyes open.

Even Judas. How could Judas not know? He had to be one of those who through closed eyes screamed, "I see! I see!" Unless these last days had effected a conversion. But then Andrew thought of Lazarus, and Judas's contemptuous remark to Mary about the waste of money that anointing Jesus represented. And Jesus's reproach seemed to make no difference to him--no difference at all.

No, it was all hopeless. Hopeless! It was going to happen, and Jesus knew it!

On this afternoon, the day before what most were saying was the Eve of the Passover, some of the students asked Jesus where he wanted them to go to make the Passover dinner ready. Judas was among them. But Jesus singled out two others, and said to them, "Go into the city and you will meet a man there whom you will recognize. Tell him that I ask him if he knows a place where I can eat the Passover dinner with my students. He will show you a room, and you can make it ready. Today." The two students were a bit nonplused at this, but assumed that it was because of the danger they were all in.

Another brilliant move. The authorities were probably waiting until Jesus was going to the Passover dinner, or just before sundown, so that they would not "defile themselves" with the "work" of murdering their God. But Jesus was going to eat the Passover on the day earlier, which some held was the correct date. He would be gone by the time they came to capture him. And he sent the students in such a way that Judas could not know where he was going to eat it.

Another chance. If no one betrayed him, he would eat the Passover in peace, and then not be there when the authorities were looking for him. Which meant, Andrew concluded, that someone--one of them--would betray him! And Andrew knew who it would be!

And Jesus had not wanted him killed! When he already so richly deserved to die! But he wanted even Judas to be given the chance not to betray him--even though he knew that he would not avail himself of the chance! No, the betrayal would be prevented, if at all, by Judas's free choice. The fate of the world hung upon the free choice of that--that depraved mind!

In any case, that evening, Jesus led them to the house in Jerusalem, telling them at the last minute that they would be eating the Passover dinner that night, instead of on the beginning of the Sabbath (which of course began at sundown the following day).

Another chance. Judas would not be able to betray him before the dinner.

Ezra came over and said something to Thomas, presumably about Judas. He and David were keeping a constant watch on him. "David and I will be waiting in the garden," he said audibly. Only the Twelve were to eat the dinner this night.

Matthew entered the room last, with the rest of the students already lying on the dining-couches (Judas entered with Philip and James the Owl on either side of him, so even if Andrew had wanted to do something to him, he could not have managed. How he longed to choke the life out of him!), and as Matthew took his place, Jesus nodded to see that the number was complete, and rose, took off his robe, and picked up a towel and a basin and went to the students to wash their feet.

"Master, are you going to wash my feet?" asked the Rock.

"You do not understand what I am doing at the moment," said Jesus. "Afterwards, you will see what it was."

"You will not wash my feet!" exclaimed the Rock. Only slaves did such things. "Ever!"

Jesus looked over at him, with sn enigmatic smile. "If I do not wash you, you will have no share in the inheritance I am to receive."

"Oh, well, then, Master, not just my feet! Wash my hands and face also!"

Jesus laughed and said, "One who has bathed needs only his feet washed; the rest of him is clean. And you people are clean." He looked around at them. "Though not all of you," he added, seriously. So he knew. Of course he knew.

But Judas did not. Or if he did, he was a master of composure, even looking thoughtful. He had not made up his mind, thought Andrew. Typical. Judas would have to justify himself before he could carry it out. He would have to find something he could twist into an act of malice on Jesus's part toward him. Well, he would find no malice in Jesus; he would have to make it up. He even did not flinch when Jesus came to him and washed his feet.

After he had finished and put his robe back on and lain down again, he said to all of them "Now. Do you know what I have done to you? You call me 'Teacher,' and 'Master,'--your owner--and you are right. That is what I am. Now if your Master and Teacher washes your feet, you ought to wash each other's feet. I have given you an example to follow."

Everyone looked around, wondering if he meant this literally, or if it was another metaphor. "I am not speaking to all of you," said Jesus. "I know the ones I chose. I am saying it to fulfill what was written, 'One who is eating bread with me has raised his heel to stomp on me.' And I am telling you before it happens, so that when it does happen, you will believe me."

He went on talking, but everyone had caught what he was driving at and began talking at once to each other. Would Judas be able to interpret this as an act of malice?

Jesus then shuddered and sobbed out, "Amen amen I tell you, one of you will betray me!" He was having the chance, but Jesus knew. He knew.

Everyone else was concerned that it might be himself, and began asking Jesus. John, who was in the seat of honor in front of Jesus, leaned back and whispered, "Master, who is it?" as if he did not know, and Jesus whispered back, "It is the one I give a piece of bread to after I have dipped it in the sauce." No one, except Andrew--and Judas--noticed this little exchange. It was common for a person in front of another at the table to lean back and make a remark. Nothing happened for a while.

Afterward, far enough away from their whispered conference to make it not seem connected, Jesus dipped a piece of bread in the sauce and handed it to Judas: a gesture of particular friendship. He was even saying to Judas by this, "I know you are the one, but I hold no malice against you. Think better of what you are doing."

But it was obvious that Judas--who had to have been on pins and needles--connected the gesture to what John and Jesus had said to each other. Of course he would. He would be suspicious of anything unusual, and here were two unusual things: a whispered exchange in the context of "Who is it?" and a gesture of special friendship. His mind, which had twisted everything to fit his theory, would have twisted this as a signal to John and an insult to him, and by accident he had interpreted it almost correctly. There was no insult. Jesus was telling him he was still his friend, even if he knew what he had had in mind.

But Judas's mind had been poisoned. He could no more believe this than he could believe that Jesus and the Father were one and the same thing. Jesus saw this, and said, in a voice of resignation, "Do, then, what you were to do; but be quick about it." And Judas left.

It was night.

John tried to rise to follow him and kill him or stop him somehow, but Jesus, who was lying behind him, put his arm across his chest and held him down. John took in his breath to shout, "You fools! Stop that traitor!" but before he could actually pronounce the words, Jesus said in his ear, "No!"

"But why?" he whispered.

"I will explain afterward. If we do not let him go, it would be a calamity for all of us."

After Judas had gone, Jesus said, "Now the Son of Man has shown what he really is. And what God is has been shown in him. And if what God is--" Andrew started to rise to run after Judas, to kill him--or at least to keep him from going to the Pharisees, but he made the mistake of looking at Jesus, who shook his head.

Why?

Why? He had the chance and rejected it. Why did they not save themselves from what he was to do?

But then Jesus said, resignedly, as much to Andrew as to the rest, "Children, I am with you only a few moments, and I now tell you what I told the Judeans: you cannot come where I am going."

If they could not come, then perhaps at least they would not be killed! At least not crucified with him! But if he were crucified, what difference would it make!

"I now give you a new commandment: You are to love each other. You are to have the same love for each other that I have for you. This is how everyone will recognize you for my students: by the love you have for each other." Andrew thought, We are even to love Judas! He does! How can he? Because Judas is!--whatever that means. He loves Judas, even though Judas is about to commit the greatest sin that has ever been committed in this world! Andrew could not understand it! Certainly not share it!

And he almost heard Jesus say, "Some day, you will. Fear not, Judas will ultimately fail." He could not see how.

And he knew that Jesus would say: "Try to try. I do not ask for success, but that you try." Andrew could not bring himself actually to try, but he did--for an instant--try to do so--and failed spectacularly every time he thought of what Judas was doing--and what he had been doing to destroy each of them! How could he?

Simon Rock suddenly broke in with, "Master, where are you going?" and Jesus answered, "You cannot follow me now where I am going. You will come after me later."

"Master," the Rock answered. "Why can I not follow you now? I will give up my life for you!" The fool! He had no idea what that meant! And to think that this is my own brother!

Jesus answered, in an ironically amused way, "You will give up your life for me? Amen I tell you, a rooster will not crow before you have repudiated me three times! But do not be worried. Trust in God, and trust in me."

There it was again. Trust. This was going to make sense somehow, even if the horrible prediction came true. It had to, or God had nothing to do with it. But Jesus was God and was obviously managing it--but leaving everyone free.

The thought occurred to Andrew that perhaps he should sin and rush out and drive a dagger into Judas! Then Jesus could manage the aftermath without actually being betrayed.

If only he had thought of this sooner! Now it was too late! Judas would already be at the Pretorium or wherever he went; and certainly, he would get there before Andrew could discover where it was.

And that had been managed by Jesus also. Andrew was tempted to curse Jesus for this--but he realized that Jesus was managing things for the best for everyone. This night and what happened was arranged to minimize the damage, and to enable the world to be saved--evidently, for some reason now, through the sacrificial death of Jesus.

He did not have to die, but if he was not accepted, it seemed that the world's salvation was to come though his death. Our rejection of him was a sacrifice of him; we had spiritually killed his mission. And this sacrifice was to be made visible by the most horrible death anyone could die; stoning was child's play by comparison. From the beginning, he came to restore the world to what it had been, or to die to show what rejection of him meant. Restoring the world was now out of the question, and so now he had to make the death only his own death, so that it would appear as his sacrifice.

He had tried every way possible to stop people from blocking Judas, presumably because that would cause a riot, with all the students killed and no one to pass on the truth. This way, it would be clear that Jesus had freely given up his life--as he had said he would--and no one would take it away from him, and people would be able to see the horror--the unspeakable anguish and pain and disgrace and degradation-- of his crucifixion as his freely accepted supreme gesture of dying to save the world from its multitudinous sins! How could he do it? Certainly, only he could do it!

It made sense, if one looked at it this way, but how could one do so? Not now, of a certainty. Only people in the future! But Andrew had to live through it! He could not bear it! Just the thought of crucifixion made him want to throw up!

Jesus's words broke through into his consciousness again. "I am leaving (Leaving!) to make a place ready for you. And if I do go and have a place made ready for you, I will come back (He will come back!) and take you with me, so that you will be with me where I am. And at least you know the way there." (Where I am? Heaven? Bliss? How could there be bliss with this as its prelude? How could anything erase this?)

Thomas could not stand it. "Master," he said, "we do not know where you are going, so how can we know the way there?"

"I am the way," answered Jesus, looking at him with indulgent kindness. "And I am truth, and life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you know me, you know the Father also. And you do know him; you have seen him."

And then Philip blurted in his naive eagerness. "Show us the Father, Master, and that will be all we need!"

Jesus snapped, "I have been with you--all--this--time, Philip, and you still do not know who I am? Anyone who looks at me is seeing the Father! How can you tell me to show you the Father? Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the

Father is in me? It is not from me the words I say come from; the father, who lives in me is using them to do what he wants done! Believe me that I am in the Father, and the Father is in me! Or at least believe it because of what I have done!" You fool! thought Andrew. I am what the Father looks like! The Father and I are one and the same thing!

He closed his eyes and shook his head in exasperation. Then, more calmly, he sighed and said, "Amen amen I tell you, anyone who believes in me will do the things I have done; he will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. I will do whatever you ask the Father in my name."

Because, thought Andrew, we will be one and the same, somehow as Jesus, who is one and the same as the Father, though distinct from him. We will still be ourselves, but . . .

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